Dear *

Dear antibiotics,

Please work this time as my poor little lilly-cat has had enough.

C

Dear me,

Please get on with things and stop being afraid so much of the time. You have a lot to do.

F

Dear DH,

I love you but I don't believe you when you say I'm sexy.

F

Dear chocolate chick,

I'm sorry I decapitated you and ate your head. You weren't mine and I shouldn't have done it. But you have made me feel quite sick, so I suppose that's your revenge.

F

Dear DS,

SLEEP!

Love you,

Mummy

Dear Cat,

I'm sorry I never pay any attention to you any more. You deserve better. But you are also a mouse-disembowelling shit who wakes up at five, wakes everyone else and then sleeps all day. Let's both try to improve our behaviour.

F

Dear Lizzie,
Mummy loves you very much already, as do Daddy and your big brother Joseph (he's the noisy one who periodically shouts, "Lizzie! Behave!" when you kick me really hard). Mummy tried ever so hard to have you and is really looking forward to meeting you.

With this in mind, could you please GET OFF MY STOMACH!!! It hurts ever so much and makes me feel so sick when you squash my tummy. I appreciate you can't do that and get off my bladder so that's OK, I'll just lay in more Tena lady products. If you could come out in under seven hours with minimal damage, like your brother did, that would also be good.

A few words of advice-ignore your grandparents. Naini is somewhat unhinged and Grandpa has the maturity of a ten year old. Remember that it is fine to try to look your best but it is not OK to put your hair before your education as many of Mummy's pupils do. Don't pretend to be stupid; enough people will tell you that being female makes you inferior without you helping them. Study something interesting, it doesn't really matter what as long as you love it, although your parents are reluctant to fund degrees in Sports Science or Media Studies.

See you in a few weeks, Love Mummy xxxx

Dear BikeRunSki

Thank you for reminding me what an amazing nursery we have too - so accommodating whilst I've been ill with tonsillitis. DS has had a great few full days there, and they treat him with such love.

NoWay

Dear ovaries

Can we stop this cyst malarky and get ovulating please? I want a baby, I'm nearly 30 and you're really not behaving like a team player now are you?

CM

Dear mummylouise

Sending you lots of positive vibes and thoughts

CM

Dear C

That night you kissed me was a revelation. Thank you for helping me to realise that I am desirable and sexy.

RR

Dear Nursery Manager

Thank you so much for juggling things to have DS full time whilst I have been so ill recently. i don't know how I would have coped otherwise. So sorry to hear that you had HG too though.

Bike

Dear brain,

Be more bloody helpful. I need to get some notes written down so that I can say everything that needs to be said, apologise for everything that I need to and tell exP the things I'd need to happen for couples therapy to work when we sit down to talk about things on Saturday night. So far you keep distracting me with pointless crap and are being decidedly unhelpful. I think you may actually be a boy's brain, being as emotional stuff appears to be so impossible for you to cope with. Give me a break please.

SJM

Dear body,

please decide if you are heading towards menopause or not. We would love another baby but if it's not going to happen then I and my dh would really appreciate the end of the monthly bitchfest.

Dear feet,

I really need this job. I know it means six hours of walking every day but it's only for a month so suck it up and stop aching all night. If you had blisters I'd have some sympathy but I know you're just complaining for the sake of it.

Dear MNers

I love this thread. I am just about beginning to feel a bit better after throwing up and sleeping through my first trimester. Sometime at home, sometimes in hospital.

Your thoughts have been lovely, poignant, thought provoking, happy, sad and entertaining . You've cheered me up no end this evening.

Bike xxx

PS- if you're overdue I WILL be charging womb and board.

Dear Foetus

Roll on your due date of next Monday.

GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!

Love Mummy

Dear Customer

If you didn't want it and didn't need it, why the hell did you buy it? And then yell at me that you want a refund for said reasons? You cretin.

Dear DP

You know I love you - I wish I knew the same. Please see "your family" as our DS and me, and not just your DM/DF and our DS with me as an afterthought once everyone else is sorted. Please grow up and stop the sulking cause, this time, I shall not be giving in - again, and no, I am not "just trying to stop you from having fun". Please never use the phrase "Parents, me and DS are doing this/that/tother and you are quite welcome to join us" it hurts. Please don't score points cause I'm not keeping a tally. And please, just because someone disagrees with you, it doesn't mean they are wrong/stupid and perhaps if you were to look at the bigger picture there is nothing wrong in admitting that sometimes, yes, you are actually not perfect - learn from it, and move on.

Your loving OSFE

Dear Holiday,

I have to wait another two weeks for you. What is this shit? Get the lead out.

PS I'd better not get ill there either.

Dear BikeRunSki

Thank you for that - you have really brightened me up! Best of luck to you for your pregnancy. Hope you feel good soon!

Come on baby Bike and baby Bumps - enough already!

Bumps x

Dear DS

I may have made you, but you made me complete :)
You are the best person in my world and I LOVE YOU xxxx

Dear XP

How can such an otter waste of space have helped create someone so utterly beautiful, sweet, kind and passionate? DS may not completely believe me yet, but it is your loss, not his. Grrrrrr

Dear S

When we first met, just over a year ago, I wanted to rip your clothes off there and then When we met up again last weekend I also found that you are a totally great person. I'll be in your neck of the woods this weekend, and I might just booty call you I want to talk to you so much more and find out more about you, and I want to rip your clothes off

Dear food poisoning

GO AWAY!!

DH20

Thank you mini - you have made me cry
mummylouise

Dear DH

Please find someone to help you with your anger. I want to be a family. I don't want to dislike you the way I do so often. I want to be treated well and feel looked after.

I don't know what to write in your birthday card for tomorrow. It would normally be 'forever yours' or 'all my love forever' but I don't feel like that at the moment. I want to feel like that again.

Please?

Nosy x

Dear DD

I'm so sorry you've still got tonsilitis. I wish I could take your pain away and help you to understand that yoghurt would be so much easier to swallow than toast, but you're not quite 1 yet and you haven't worked it out yet.

I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love anyone and I missed you when I was at work today. I'm so tempted to wake you up just so I can have the cuddles I missed out on.

Mummy x

Dear mummylouise,

Am sending you a shedload of liver holding out vibes and a sack load of best wishes.

Love mini wedge

Dear arse,

Please shrink. You know you want to.

From mini wedge

Dear CaveMum

I think your cat and my DS were separated at birth!

NoWay

I feel your pain cavemum, our cat has taken to sweeping everything off the chest of drawers (perfume, hairspray, etc.) in a series of loud crashes in a desperate attempt to get our attention .