to wonder if you do weird things when you think you're not observed?

Also at the moment I'm studying Melanie Klein's psychoanalytic theories, so every time I see a music video I translate it into paranoid/schizoid or depressive phantasy.

I cross myself if I pass someone on the stairs, but I HAVE to be sure no-one can see as there's a lot of people of other faiths where I work, and I wouldn't want someone to see me crossing myself when I'd just passed a Muslim/Hindu in case they misunderstood. It doesn't matter who you are, I'll still do it, whether you worship the Christian God, Jewish God, Allah, Vishnu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I've actually started using the lift more to be on the safe side...

I talk to inanimate objects, and am convinced the self-service checkouts will actually be banned under the Geneva Convention for being a form of mental torture. I argue with them whenever I use them. 'It's IN the bagging area, you're just too damned stupid to figure that out!'

I feel sorry for things on ebay that are marked Mint in the Box, and have bid on several of these with the full intention of 'releasing' them as soon as I get them. I haven't yet won though

I am the stressiest driver I know and will 'educate' people in front or behind about their misdemeanours. 'That white circle with a black line through it? That means 60 on this road. So SPEED THE HELL UP/GET THE HELL OFF MY BACKSIDE' - 'That little stick next to your steering wheel? It's for things called 'In-di-cators'. If you use them I might have some idea where you're going'

If I need the loo but not enough to actually haul my arse all the way upstairs, I'll sit and sing 'I need a wee' to the tune of the Cambridge Chimes (think Big Ben before it strikes the hour)

The thong in the hair though? That's just WEIRD

I talk to my bike when I'm cleaning or fixing it. As a teenager I used to talk to my horse when grooming it, and I think it just carried over.

oh yes, TomTom does that, doesn't she! It's a dual carriageway, it's 70! you stupid woman, not 60!

I love this. Have a cold and feeling mis. This is making me cheery

I always talk to self service checkout machines. I am ethically opposed to them because they cost jobs BUT I love playing shops .

I also talk back to TomTom particulary when she tells me I am over the speed limit and I am NOT.

Talk to DD's urn quite a bit and give her a kiss when I dust it. Infact most of my mad things revolve around DD. I used to drive around East London with Lily Allen on full blast singing my head off. Very antisocial but entirely theraputic.

All you lot who thank or say sorry to inanimate objects - I mainly swear at them.

I do a lot of ballet moves whilst going about my daily business. Now I cant be the only one who does that surely?

Talking to the self-service checkout machines is not weird ... it's compulsory!

This thread is fucking brilliant! I don't do anything weird.

Oh, ok then, I admit I do. Like a poster further up the thread, I have imaginary conversations with people - they can be people I know, celebs or made up people. These conversations are often in my head but quite often can be out loud. In these conversations I'm the most popular, amazingly witty person and the others all love me.

In the supermarket I often talk about what food to get as though DS is with me (he's usually at school). So I might say "Shall we get some carrots? Yes, let's get some. How many shall we get? I think I'll make a chilli tomorrow." etc, to no-one in particular.

If I ever use a self service checkout I always end up talking to it yelling at it. "Oh, ffs shut up!" and "I've already bloody bagged it up" are some commonly used phrases.

Clearly, I am mad. But obviously in good company.

I sniff things, I don't know why but I'm not happy using anything (even something I know will smell disgusting) before I sniff it first. This includes new clothes, cleaning products, food, anything really.

Also, if I find something unexpected on my body I give that a sniff too, like maybe pus from an infection, wax from an ear, I know it's horrid but I'm compelled to do it. I also sniff my dirty clothes, just to see how dirty they are. I don't smell anyone else's body fluids/dirty clothes except for DS who I see as an extension of myself and therefore acceptable for sniffing.

I write 'help me' on the shower door then wipe it off and do it again.

Oh and write redrum on mirrors, just cuz I like the backwards effect. I do this if I'm in someone's bathroom too.

I talk to cars as I am crossing the road. Quite loudly. Didn't realise I did this until the other day and someone thought I was talking to them.

I hum in my throat if I'm alone and walking.

In my head when I am alone and walking I am a fucking rockstar.

I talk to my dead grandparents sometimes when I am in the bath.

What an amazing thread, I may steal this as my status to see what strange things my friends do!

I clean my kitchen in a race against the kettle/microwave.

I say thank you to cash machines/vending machines.

If I'm having a busy day I pretend I'm being filmed for an amazing mum documentary and talk (in my head for the most part) my wy through everything I'm doing.

If someones annoyed me I have out loud conversations of what I should have said to them and their replies are always done in an Eric cartman voice.

When I'm in the shower with music on I pretend I'm in a music video along with lustful looks at the camera as I sensually wash my hair and cross my arms over my boobs.....

Think I'll stop now there's too much and I'm realising I'm a bit odd!

Haha- I feel normal now!

I talk to all automated machines "I'm putting it in the bagging area, OK?"

always say hello to the cows when I'm walking the dogs, and ask if they are enjoying their breakfast. In fact, talk to any animal I meet

Have to say "cheese" if I walk under a sign- something we made up in childhood that I can't get rid of

Talk to the kids toys when I am tidying them up ("you know you don't go there- you go there")

Make words from the station name sign if I am waiting at the train station, and tell myself I can't get on the train unless I have come up with X no of words by the time it gets here

Set myself time targets for housework and go mad trying to finish in the allotted time

So glad I'm not the weirdo I thought I was!

DH and I 'play' the cashpoint like it's a slot machine, and when the money comes out we cheer and shout 'we won! we won!'

Talk to the cats, and answer myself back on their behalf... sometimes referring to myself in the third person...

I sometiimes find myself unconciously (sp?) following instructuions in novels e.g. 'She smiled and flicked her hair' - I flick my hair while smilling!

Repeat funny sounding words to myself over and over again - out loud. And in work.

Sometimes when I'm walking, I hold my arms ouot and 'fly' like an aeroplane.

Forgot to mention. In the bath, I always lie down flat so I am fully submerged then count how long I can stay under. In my head i am actualy a free-diver in The Big Blue competing for the longest/deepest free dive ever.

And I am the only woman and about to beat all the men and it's the first time this will ever have happenend. So when I finally burst to the surface of the bath, I often say things like "how did i do?"

And I also breathe in so my tummy looks flat whilst free diving because clearly, I am being filmed.

again.

Drink gravy off my plate

Argue with the idiots who phone Jeremy Vine, especially all the belligerent ones from Yorkshire.

Negotiate with the dogs like they understand me

Have stand-up arguments with my cat, who is thoroughly unreasonable and way too demanding.

Tokyo oh yes, we're nuts.

Oh, and if I am bored, sometimes I will say the dog's name in an increasingly highpitched voice until she gets so excited she chases her tail. It makes us both happy (I think).

springbok + Jaded

My DSis refers to everything as her friend, so will talk about 'busticketfriend' and 'shoppingbagfriend' etc. As in, 'In you go, into my handbag, ticketfriend!'

In my relationship with DP, I do 'characters' with weird voices. So one is a jazzy cat who meows in a slinky fashion; another is a frog prince who ribbits commands.

If I have to give a lecture later in the day, I often run through it, sometimes accidentally out loud, so on a totally silent morning bus, I will suddenly announce, 'And yet seventeenth-century ideas of virtue of more complex than they might first appear.'

All of my family tell terrible pirate jokes.

Hmmm, You are all nuts . I certainly don't do any of these things, well except...

wear my panties as a shower cap when I forget to bring a hair band in to the shower.

Covers must come up to my neck and arms safely tucked away in case they get stolen. For some reason my head is okay out

Kiss the foam on the top of a glass of coke for good luck.

Talk to myself and respond. Got caught once and had to quickly turn it into a song as passer by stared suspiciously at me.

When DH is away, before I go to bed, I have to check all rooms, cupboards, under beds and behind doors for the neighbourhood killer/rapist. This is done in a ordered, systematic and military fashion with each door shut once room has been cleared.

Oh dear, I am completely irrational, aren't I.

I use wooden spoons to twist my hair up with.

I do weird facial movements to exercise the muscles-usually in the car in traffic, while the people in the next vehicle are staring (which I'm usually oblivious to).

I sing "Put the lime in the coke-you-nut" (the Coca Cola song) whenever I shake things (maracas, pasta etc)

I sing "What shall we do with the drunken sailor" every day to my ds...what's worse is that I do this unusual pirate jig to accompany it. Thankfully my ds is 1 and loves me for it

I tell the satnav woman off for not saying 'please' ie she says 'take the next left' so i say 'no, because you didn't say please'!

Jaded you are fucking brilliant

I frequently interview myself in Patois in the car. Generally pretend to be a leader of a political party or a popstar. God that looks awful written down

I always talk to TV presenters and newsreaders. Whenever they say hi, if I like them I will wave and say 'hi babe', and if I don't like the look of them, I'll say 'oh fuck off, twat' and change the channel. Frequently repeat what is said on TV in a mocking voice if I think they are being ridiculous.

I am SOO normal

I tickle my dog's nose to make him sneeze, he just looks so funny! Cheers me up!

missy i do that - the talking to inanimate objects, especially food.

If I am cooking and a bit of grated cheese falls on the worktop, or one of the mushrooms looks a bit manky or something, I feel sorry for them and say things like "don't worry Mr Mushrroom, you will be used so you can join your friends". Out loud.

Knickers in hair when there's no bobble? Check.
Mouth open for mascara? Check

Plus:

Breakdance/Streetdance moves whilst wathching my reflection in the glass of the kitchen french doors.

Alan Bennet style monologues in regional accents whilst I potter about the kitchen.

Running commentary of my cooking. In a French accent.

I am a twat.

I have indoor and outdoor trousers. The indoor ones are elasticated waist with paint splashes.