to wonder if you do weird things when you think you're not observed?

As a devoted murder mystery reader and CSI watcher I solve crimes all the time and am often interviewed by the police [in my head] since I alone hold vital clues and can work out who the murderer is.
Do ballet plies in the kitchen whilst cooking dinner.
Get cross with inanimate objects "Don't do that!"as the end of the bed leaps out to jab me in the thigh.
Growl when annoyed. Only realised this when the children started doing it too.
I rescue snails too and bees and spiders. Have been known to go into shops which have bees trapped in their windows and rescue the bee. Don't rescue wasps or flies but still feel sorry for them and do rescue them at home.

I say "pardon me" whenever I fart, even on my own. But over the years it's evolved into something that sounds like "maname", and the dses accused me of grunting after a fart the other day, so I've obviously got even lazier.

I practice the ballet moves I learned 30 years ago.

I imagine I'm in a film when going about my business.

I look over my shoulder and smile in the mirror when leaving my bedroom.

I suck my tummy in when I get on the bathroom scales.

I perform concerts along with the ipod whilst stacking the dishwasher.

I have endless conversations with randoms when out walking the dogs.

I imagine myself in a Crimewatch reconstruction when out and about.

fellatio thats soo funny about hands free kits in cars , that's exactly what i do now, oh the freedom its brought being able to chat away to yourself, without being stared at!

Every day after I've dropped my children off at school, I have a board meeting with myself on the drive back home about what are the most important things to achieve that day. Out loud. I used to mumble, or stop if passers by saw me, because I was clearly alone in the car, but since hands free car phones were invented I can chat away loudly and animatedly and no-one outside can ever tell that I am not an important business woman on her way to a meeting and talking to her secretary, but just a mad lady who is driving in her slippers.

I have a fridge that has a mirrored door. It is like one of those trick mirrors that makes you look really slim and tall. The further away you stand the slimmer and taller you get. Sometimes, I stand as far back as I can, hitch up my skirt and admire my beautiful size 8 self, and my gorgeous long slender legs. Then I pull poses, and sexy facial expressions, like I am a top model being photographed. I really am extremely good, even if I say so myself.

And of course not treading on the lines, in case the bears get me.

Also putting different amounts of butter on my morning soldiers, according to what rank they are: eg sergeants get more than privates and generals get done on both sides.

Oooo gymnastic finishes! They're essential for completing any household related task, usually accompanied by me shouting "AND PRESENT" .

I am also champion bottom dancer in my living room. So far I've had no competition but if ever there was I'm fairly sure no one could shake it better than me.

I have full blown arguements with the self service checkouts, often reminding them I worked for Tescos for 7 years and was Customer Service Manager for the last two thank you very much! I'm becoming known in my local branch now

I try out explaining new concepts to my cats, if it holds their interest then it'll usually do for Year 8 on a Friday afternoon, actually found this to be an excellent teaching method and still think it should be included on the PGCE course, I will even hire out my boys for those who are feline free.

I always jump over tge squeaky floor board on the landing but when alone I do a gymnastic finish and score myself!

I also talk to TV presenters, imagine my joy when Miranda started and you could legitimately have a conversation with the show, such fun!

I just thought of another one that I do.

You know the car advert where the bloke is blasting his stereo and rapping along to "Rapper's Delight" with a couple of homeboys in the car with him.

Then he pulls up outside his very safe house in a very safe neighborhood and his DW asks if he remembered the nappies. Pull out to reveal that he is alone and totally square...

That's me that is.

On my own in the car, I play the stereo really loud, rap along to the Old Skool Hip Hop I listened to in my youth, or even make up words to raps.

Then I get home to my very suburban, middle class area and worry that I haven't baked enough for DDs Year 1 cake sale

I've been lurking for a while but had to join because this thread is awesome! You're all bonkers! However, I:

• greet the first magpie of the day by saying "Hello Mr Magpie!" but only if I see it before midday

• make the eggs fight each other to the death when I want to make an omelette ("death" being them cracking their shells)

• always thank the cash machine. And the car park barrier machine. And the vending machine at the gym (although this MUST be done in a nerdy John Major voice).

• argue loudly with the self check-out machine at Sainsbury's and then when it says "unexpected item in bagging area" I respond with "nobody expects the spanish inquisition!" a la Monty Python.

• refer to all tradesmen/call centre people/employees of the shop I'm in as "Nice Mr/Mrs [insert company name here] Lady/Man" including the automated BT voice ("Nice Mrs BT Lady says we've got a message!") and the speaking clock ("Nice Mr Speaking Clock Man")

• sing loudly when driving anywhere

• when driving any long distance imagine what I would say/do if I should pull in at motorway services next to the Top Gear chaps

• then pretend that I'm famous just so I can imagine what my interview and lap on Top Gear would be like (I would, obviously, be the fastest famous person in a reasonably priced car)

• give all the socks different voices when I'm pairing them up after washing and drying them. The red ones always have joyous and affectionate reunions.

• am perfectly capable of going to the loo in the middle of the night in the dark but sometimes will imagine there's a Black Rider from LOTR waiting outside the bathroom round the corner so I have to RUN back to bed

yes, we are all sane

i also talk to my tortoise. The lizard gets songs sung to him eg 'green thing' for Wild Thing, lyrics such as 'poor little greenie' (David Bowie) or 'gotta be green gotta be mean' which is taken from a Mika song. He's not mean though!

I sing made-up harmonies to certain TV themes. I perfected the "Home & Away" one about 15 years ago, and when they updated the theme tune they actually STOLE my harmonies

My trolley-scooting days came to an abrupt end last year when I scooted one of the smaller trolleys back to the trolley park, it over-balanced, and I damaged my hand quite badly :( My mum's response "you're 32, not 6" says it all really Now scarred for life - be warned ladies!

I do ballet 'positions', often in supermarkets, even though I've never had any sort of ballet training.

I 'merchandise' in shops and supermarkets - putting things in the right place and pulling things to the front. I can be hours in a card shop sorting them all out. I got this from my mum who has a similar habit and I remember as a little girl being in a shop with her spending hours matching all the Sylvanian Families into their right boxes, because they'd all been just shoved in a bargain bin. Golden days!

I'm often interviewed by Parky/Graham Norton/any famous person really. I'm very witty and they fall hopelessly in love with me and my anecdotes.

Of course I'm on the sofa eating bombay mix by the truck load, perhaps still in my PJs when this is happening.

I talk to myself all the time, was shouting abusively at the wind today whilst out walking the dog, it was open fields and the wind was so noisy so I was literally shouting at the top of my voice, no idea if anyone heard me

I always give myself an ultimatum about reaching the next lampost whilst driving, ie. if I don't get to to the next lamppost by the time this song finishes then I will gain 5lbs next week or something along those lines.

I am also a trolley surfer and have yet to see another adult do this, which, judging by how many people on here do I would have thought I would have seen more!

If I drop food on the kitchen floor I pick it up and put it on dh's plate.

He thinks I dishup evenly but he doesn't see me scoff a handful of chips before I bring the dinner through.

I hide food or snack on chocolate behind the fridge door so ds doesn't see me and what some as it's ALL MINE.

I sing Singstar sometimes ....on my own

I put hairbands on my dog's nose/paw and laugh at her struggle to get them off.

I used to fantasize that I'm being watched by the entire world and everyone is fascinated by every (wonderful) move I make and word I say
I think cars have "faces" and some are smiley and cute, some are not so cute and some are plain ugly!
Oh and I do about 80% of everything that has been said here too.

Can I please nominate this thread for classics?
It's therapy to me.

This is excellent. Seeing as so many people do the same weird things surely the behaviour must actually be normal.

I speak to my dogs continually and refer to myself as mummy. I also sing to them and change the words in songs to their name - like that song that goes "Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby" is now "Doogie, Doogie, Doogie, Doogie". Me and the dogs also have "our song" like we are a married couple.

When there is a good guitar solo in a song I play the dog like he is the guitar. Not to the point of swinging him round the room!

I have a mad obsession with locking up the house at night which involves locking the front door, pushing on it several times to make sure it's locked, opening it again so I can relock it and go through the whole pushing it with all my weight process again.
I also have two windows that I have to push on the frame to ensure they are shut - but only these two windows??? Also have to turn off the microwave socket at the wall, no other appliance gets this special treatment. If this process hasn't been followed I cannot sleep.

I also time myself when cleaning and get really flustered if I run over.

Also have a little bedtime routine for the dogs involving telling them I love them and that I'll see them in the morning. There is a very specific wording to it and system of kisses and MUST be followed.

Oh dear...

I can't think of any new ones, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one who puts more dirty plates in the dishwasher and turns it on again. I know it's lazy and probably very wasteful, but I have done it a few times

pinkism - the great thing is, my car does hear me, she really does, because when my DH (of course such a very superior driver) is behind the wheel, she sometimes makes him graunch the gearbox - YAY !!! This never happens when I'm driving her, but of course being a typical man, according to him, it's just a daft VW gearbox, inferior to his Jag lol :)

I pat my car's steering wheel when she has done particulary well. I always ask 'does that feel better?' when I fill her up.

I have shoes that I dont wear. I open the boxes and smile at them everyso often.

I do the 'I need a wee' song too. I dont use the same tune, mine is more 'I need a wee, I need a wee, I need a wee - I need a wee, I need a weeeeeee'

I say 'Billie bird' every time a I see a Magpie. I used to be terribly superstitious about them and would do those stupid things you are supposed to do when you see them. After DD died, when I saw them they would remind me of her and her other friends who had died. If there were two I would think 'there is DD and XX' . Its because they are so cheeky and carefree.

ANYWAY when i see them now I just say 'Billie bird' I know this is totally bonkers.

I talk to my tortoise (not a euphemism) in a baby voice.

I have hair pants for when I'm putting my make up on. They were clean a couple of years ago when I discovered they were the best thing to keep my hair back. I talk to the hamster all the time, sing TV themes in an operatic voice just to make myself laugh. I answer back to the radio, shout at the TV and have been known to have a conversation with my lovely fridge.

Heh. My car is ancient, crap and dying. I thank it when it gets to the top of a hill, and have encouraged and cajoled it (aloud) all the way up.

You're. Stupid phone making me look bad.

albertcamus I don't like it when people bad mouth a car when your in it incase it takes offence. I was very upset when oh mentioned scrapping the car when we were inside and driving!! Madness.