Things you learned the hard way not to do again

Do not sit on bus..retrieve a chucked dummy for a baby and forget you are sitting on flip up seat ..then sit on floor because flip up seat has ... err flipped up

Always make sure the seal on your mooncup has been broken before you try and remove it.
Do not pull it harder to see if that will break the seal as it bloody hurts won't!

Oh yes, and if you see a Police car behind you going quite fast, don't think, 'they look like they're in a hurry, I'd better accelerate and get out the way', then slightly later with sirens blaring, 'why don't they overtake me if they want to get past?' and continue to drive fast, then a little later think, 'oh, it's me they're chasing' as your involved in a full blown car chase. I don't think they could believe I was so stupid.

Don't stub your cigarette out on the side of the plastic bin at work. Doh! [Thicko emoticon]

Don't forget to check whether your ds's nappy is poo-free before putting him in the back carry in the Ergo and doing a little jump jiggle to settle his bottom properly into the seat. Otherwise as he lands on his bottom poo will squirt violently sideways out of his nappy legs and fill his babygro down to the toes.

Don't let dh take ds for a sneaky wee behind a hedgerow on the walk back from a country pub. One of them will wee in the other's welly and the resulting fracas won't be easy to referee.

Don't water a spiky palm yucca thing with a short spouted watering can. The leaves grow at exactly the right distance apart to allow you to get one spike up each nostril if you get it just right.

Do not creep downstairs in the dark to use the downstairs loo when staying at your parents' house on New Year's Eve after a big night out AND forget that you had personally placed two dining chairs at the foot of the stairs to discourage the dog from coming upstairs at night. You will fall over them, bang your head on the telephone cupboard, knock yourself out but very fortunately come round before anyone else wakes up and crawl back to bed only to remember that it happened when your mum is wondering how the chair got broken and you're wondering why you're covered in large black bruises.

Don't ever ever, if stuck inside a park attempt to climb over the fence rather than walking round the long way after three pints. One big hole in the arm and several hours in A&E later...Oh yes, and if you do get the said hole in the arm, do not stop for another drink before calling ambulance. You will have to be taken out of pub toilets in a wheelchair after fainting.

Also, when someone says, "I wouldn't use that loo the lock doesn't work very well" in a club, don't think it'll be ok. It WILL open outwards once you're in full flow causing you to stand up to grab the door and wee all over your own jeans and the floor.

When the water has frozen in window washers of car - don't (at 70 mph on motorway) wind down window and attempt to squirt water from water bottle to clear the dirt from wind
Window still manky and a soaking wet sleeve!

Today I have learnt not to put foam letters in my 18mo's bath.

There was a... hoopla situation

Check for nettles before having a pee behind a hedge (esp when coming home pissed from young farmers do)....

Don't laugh at current bf as he has just pissed on the electric fence cos you WILL be spending several hours in A&E with him......

Do remind dh to wash his hands after applying Deep Heat to your back just before bed - or you can be sure he will be diving for the bathroom at some point in the night after scratching his bits

Do not make cheese-on-toast in the toaster

Do not catch your curling wand when it falls out your hands on the highest setting...I have the scars to prove it!!!!

Don't have oral sex after eating very hot curry.

By god it stings and leaping up and fanning your fanjo is not sexy.

Do not assume that when you are having a heart attack on a busy bank holiday weekend, your ambulance driver will know the way to the nearest hospital. They could possibly be a crew from another city and have to ask your DH directions

When using one of those spray mint breath fresheners - do not* breathe in!

• asthma inhaler user, automatic action to breathe in

If you have been chopping chillies, wash hands before inserting mooncup.

On behalf of my dad - don't chop wood with an axe if the wood is frozen.

do not try the stapler out on your thumb to see if it works

do not try to open a corned beef tin with bare hands when the key gets stuck

do not forget to lock the train toilet door when heavily pregnant - at night - when someone can open it and your half clothed reflection is visible for all to see {blush]

Don't assume that the man leaning over the gp reception desk grunting and dribbling is
a) being attended to
b) has SN

. . .

actually he's being overlooked and is having a stroke :(

Do not, when your boyfriend has just come back from holiday and has fallen asleep, try to be helpful and put a load of washing on. Do not take all his pristine white shirts and t-shirts and put them in the wash (at his house) with an old pink sheet. Especially when the instruction panel of the washing machine has fallen off. There will be a helpful Albanian lodger telling you to put it on "A", which later transpires to be a boil 90deg wash.

All the clothes will turn out pink. Your thought process in allowing this to happen will be hard to explain. And the diamond ring your boyfriend bought you in South Africa will take a further 5 months to make it to your finger.

OMG I'm alternating between and and ouch-ouch-ouch as I read these!

Do not teach a puppy to jump over the raised threshold of the back door. You will trip and break your wrist.

On return from A&E, do not explain your injury by showing them how it happened. You will trip and break your nose.

do not go for a pee then wipe your bits without checking that your kids haven't wiped their faces on the loo roll- after brushing their teeth

do not, after a night in with partner, after some bottles of wine, casually wonder what deep heat would feel like on a penis, do not let him apply said deep heat to penis, and especially do not laugh when he is screaming in agony (he is now an ex and that night makes me laugh so much)