Things you learned the hard way not to do again

From my friend, do NOT, get ready do bed, don the silicone moisturising gloves you got for Christmas, and then decide to light a cigarette. The gloves will combust, causing you to run madly aroun the house in your winciette nighty, flapping your hand together trying to put the flames out! Not only will you be in shock, as you live alone and could have burned to death, but your heartless friend will piss her knickers laughing when you tell her the story!

When your little baby is sitting in a car seat on the floor, not strapped in, do not pick it up by the handle to move her a few feet without double checking the handle is locked. It will tip up and dump her on the floor face first .

Luckily for me this was on carpet, a few wails but she was fine. A few weeks later I saw a mum do this on a poolside, baby went smack onto the tiles with resulting blood .

Don't hastily grab the nearest thing to keep your DC aged 18mths happy whilst stripping the bed - you will pass her a blue nail polish bottle which you stupidly think she can't unscrew but forget that babies use their teeth; result, a horribly large smeary blue stain all over new bedroom cream carpet. Luckily none in her mouth and luckily DH was very sweet about it.

From DH

If you have very bad hay fever which causes you to sneeze uncontrollably, it's perhaps better not to offer to help the builder fit the new glass shower screen.

From DP

If you need to borrow a colleague's keys on a Friday afternoon, and if you then leave work with said keys, and promise faithfully by phone to just post them back to colleague's girlfriend's house, DO NOT then post YOUR OWN house keys by special delivery just as the post office is about to close.

Reader, I haven't married him.

From DH

Don't think that when varnishing your latex LARP weapons with roofing sealant thT the best way NOT to get it on your clothes is to do so in the nude. You will look like a leper for a month afterwards as it peels off.

That and the fact that roofing sealant is poisonous.

Also Evostick is not a good substitute for spirit gum when wearing facial prosthetics.

My dad learned not to remove a wasp's nest until all the wasps are dead.
He used one of those sprays, but got too close to the nest and in their attempt to flee, he got stung really badly (might have only been one sting, but his entire fore-arm swelled to twice its original size - he couldn't wear his watch for weeks )

From husband - it's not a good idea to remove wasps nests from the walls with a hoover.

From dh - don't shovel the still-hot ash from the barbeque into a cardboard box that happens to be next to it, and then wander off - it will catch fire.

From my goddaughter - when staying with your godmother and are in the process of dying your hair black, don't come downstairs and sit on her cream sofa!

From dh - if you bang the bottom of a bottle of cherry brandy against the shelf whilst taking it out of the cupboard, and the bottom of the bottle falls off leaving a jagged edge, don't drop the bottle and then try to catch it with the other hand - you will sever the artery, the nerve and half-sever the tendon, need a long operation and months of physio.

From ds1 - in a coffee shop, don't look up from the menu and ask the waitress 'What's in the beef sandwich?' because everyone within earshot will laugh, and your family will never let you forget it.

On the same holiday, on the Glasgow underground passing Ibrox, do NOT answer 'Edinburgh' in tones of deepest scorn, when your younger brother asks where Celtic play their home matches. Especially do not do this whilst sitting next to a Celtic fan - your mother will have a momentary panic that he is going to duff you up, and your family will never let you forget that incident either.

Go into teaching

Don't hoover up ash from an open fire. Hot ash and a vaccuum are not a good combination.
(NB not me but a friend when we were cleaning our holiday house on morning of departure, she was suffering from pregnancy brain!)

Get married

If you are driving past a women's prison (lets say Holloway for the sake of argument) and two girls flag you down and ask for a lift. Dont say ok and drop them off at the nearest tube station.

It WILL have repercussions.

Whilst shaving your legs,do not scratch your itchy ankle with your razor.

A belated at LeQueen at 20:59:16. Carnage!

Calico1!

Do not cross your legs for an entire hour-long meeting with new clients you are trying to impress. At the end of the meeting you will stand up to leave, crumple floorwards on your asleep leg and have to be dragged with dead leg dangling helped out of the room.

Do not forget your make-up bag on the day when you have important interview, decide that a Berol Finewriter pen you found in the drawer at work will make do as an impromptu eye-liner. You will arrive at interview 45 mins later with eyes so puffy, red and itchy that it will be difficult to see the interview room let alone the interview panel...

You won't get the job.

whysolate Ive done the magnet on the tv screen too. faked innocence when my dad wondered why the pixels were messed up in a streak. ::whistle::

do not bring the hot curling iron near your eye when curling bangs.

when infant dc is poorly, do not hold up facing you to scrutinize - messy

do not place open nail varnish remover on a wood surface, for it is bound to spill

make sure you have keys when you leave the house with dc in the morning or much time will be spent in the front yard thinking up games, explaining the plight again and awaiting rescue

When your mostly male mates want to stop at a pub at 10.30am right before a wedding, dont try and keep up with them by drinking two pints as it will make you desperately need the loo as soon as you are sat on a cold church pew. Its an especially bad idea to nip outside for a quick wee in the small grassy patch that you later realise is in full view of the congregation (curse those windows for not being very stained) and under no circumstances when you come back in mention that that it is "still dewy outside" in order to excuse your wet shoes, which everyone by now knows are really covered in your own wee.

Probably best to check you have removed yesterday's knickers from trousers before putting the trousers on again the following morning - if you don't want them to emerge wrapped round one ankle as you walk up the stairs to work. In front of colleagues.

Never accidentally fold over a corner of your sanitary towel when pulling up your knickers. The unexpected waxing you get when removing said towel will smart.

Do not cough violently when you are holding a drill in front of a brand new patio window (my dad).

And never cut up a cardboard tube for the pets to play in with a very sharp stanley knife when you are wearing new jeans (DH). You will realise that you don't wish to accidently cut new jeans so in a moment of inspiration you will remove them. When you resume cutting the tube wearing only your boxers, the knife will slip resulting in a nasty cut, a trip to A&E, sitting in reception in a t-shirt and boxers, stitches and all the nurses coming out to laugh at you.

Don't vomit on your Mother in Law's shoes and then blaspheme copiously at New Year.