Things you learned the hard way not to do again

When travelling at high speed and you need to empty a bottle of water, open the window, not the door.
Similiarly when climbing into the rear in a moving car you do it through the gap between the seats, again not by opening the bloody door.
My friend is sooo stupid.

And to my mum. Yes aeroplanes taking off and landing do look spectacular when you are very close. It is more important tho for me to look at the big oncoming truck

Dont let an employee speak to you so rudely and put you down, and then contunue to put up with working there. Tell her to go stick her job where the sun doesnt shine.

Don't be so kind and naive at 21 that you let a mad, old lady you are caring for in hospital bite your fingers when she asks to

Do not let baby DS suck your chin whilst you swap sides during a breastfeed. A 5 second suck will cause a HUGE purple bruise / lovebite on your chin and people will wonder if your DH has a mean right hook

pmsl at biscuit nibbler, totally great!

Todays lesson, dont attempt to plumb in a washing machine without turning the water off at the mains.

Once you have unscrewed the old machine and you have figured that the pissing water is too high powered to attach new machine, you will discover that the kitchen unit dad installed is covering the fucking stopcock.

whydobirds did you get proposed to while you were cooking naked?

Do not actually walk into a door, giving yourself a corker of a black eye, two days before taking up a new job with Women's Aid.

Don't put petrol into a diesel engine car. It will cost you a lot of money, and people will take the piss for a very long time.

If asked by A&E staff who is your father's next of kin, do not reply 'his wife' as this will get you some very funny looks indeed. Especially if you are 19 and he is 42. Even if he is in the middle of getting divorced from your stepmother and you are confused about what the right answer is.

PMSL at the potty spillage!

One from a few years back. Do not stand next to DP as he's trying on suit jackets to find one that fits his extremely long gangly arms. DP will knock a big red SALE sign off its ceiling hook and the corner of said sign will dent your forehead and cause several questions next week at college.

Do not then lie and say you did it playing football in an attempt to save face for you and DP, your friend will then tell everyone you did it by running into a goalpost causing everyone to think you are completely stupid!

Cook a fryup naked.
I still bear the scar.

at waking up daddy with pee.

Don't play with dog, accidently touch tongues with said dog and then put neat TCP on tongue.

Friend of my Mum's - she couldn't taste anything for a week

do not presume that the bit of material you are going to clean your glasses with is clean- your ds has already wiped his nose on it and you will smear bogies all over your glasses!!

If you wonder how easy it is to ride bike with your eyes closed, don't. You will ride into your neighbours front wall and end up in their garden.

Hair conditioner is not a good substitute for fabric conditioner when washing your DH's underpants. It will cause a rather itchy rash.

Do not run through a narrow doorway whilst putting up your hair - felt very stupid trying to explain to A&E doctor how I cracked my elbow.

best thread ever.

When you need to alter the position of the driver's seat in your car after your DP has used it, wait until the car has come to a full stop as if you try to move the seat while just going very slowly approaching a junction, you will shoot backwards at high speed.

Ooh the seagull one reminds me.

I've learnt to LOOK when idly skimming stones on Brighton beach. If you don't, you. WILL hit a pigeon. And said pigeon will fly in wobbly circles, you will feel terrible and your DH will still mention it 8 years later!

Oh - and one my friend observed on the children's ward. If your baby has severe gastroenteritis, and you are changing his nappy, do not - repeat DO NOT decide to bounce him up and down on your knee in the middle of the process, before putting a new nappy on him. He will suffer torrential diarrhoea all over your lap, and the nurses will have to come to your rescue.

Another one from dh and his db - when you take your small dses/dnephews to the park and realise you haven't brought a ball with you when you want to play 'Piggy in the Middle' with them, do not imagine that a lump of ice prised out of a frozen puddle will be an acceptable substitute.

The middle boy will fail to catch the ice 'ball' and it will smack him right above the eye, cutting him (not badly, thankfully), and causing your wife and your mum to read you the long version of the riot act about why it was such a stupid thing to do and What Could Have Gone Wrong!!

lol at getting DS back GeekLove

mine is 17 mo and still gets me occasionally, weed on my jeans the other week.

oh yes, i learned that panicking and trying to catch Bf newborn poo in your hand just makes things worse. you have a baby with no nappy on screaming and a handful of poo.

Do not when having a lovely afternoon with the family walking along a tranquil pebbled beach start shouting at DS for throwing stones at you. It will not have been DS but will have been a seagull who's just shat on your head

Lol from Freudian. Mind you whats the betting your DS has got either you or your DH as that is what little boys tend to do with wee-wee.

From DH today

Do not allow 18mo DS (yes the same one who played willy-hoopla in the bath as mentioned above) into the bathroom while you have a pee, and explain to said DS "see, this is how big boys have their wees"

DS will be overly curious and attempt to look in the toilet, and you won't quite be able to stop in time