Things you learned the hard way not to do again

OMG Tonythetyger I've done that, promptly fainted with the pain, and woke to find four mesmerised DC gazing at me with astonishment.

When a sock disppears around the outside of the drum of a top loading washing machine. Do not attempt to resuce it by sticking your hand into the gap. Your hand will get stuck and it will hurt when you managed to release it. The sock will still be lost until to clean the fliter at the bottom.

Never rewind One Born Every Minute! It's really disturbing! and more that slightly gross

Never inflate the tyre on a child's bike with the thing you get in garages for inflating car tyres; especially when you live over a mile from the garage. Yes the tyre inflated quickly, right up until it exploded.

This one is BIL's
Don't use Flash bathroom wipes when you run out of toilet roll.

Don't toast a pita under the grill and then bite into it as the steam comes out and leaves a burn above your lip. In particular don't do this just before going to a wedding.

Don't read a big book, move your chair over your big toe and sit on it with all your weight.

@Norfolk

I was fine before my mother yelled at me.
I maintain it was her fault (and she says it was too)

if it makes you feel better, it didn't go all the way through the foot, and it was very close to the bone so it didn't bleed much at all.

Squashedfrogs - perhaps nickelprincess, Zuzu and you and I shouldn't be let loose with or near sharp implements!

From DH

Do not teach your 18 month DD to blow very loud raspberries on your DW's cleavage because DD will do it in church. At the quiet bit. Every week.

Do not decide to pick up a tripod after using it over a Bunsen burner in Science with your palms the resulting burns will look like stigmata for months!

When DD does that running choking noise the correct response is to rush her to the sink/bucket/open space of grass NOT cuddle her into the aforementioned cleavage, you will be finding vomit granules all fecking day

Don't use all your unnatural strength as a young boy to stick the garden fork into the ground without checking to see where your smaller younger sister is. It will go through her shoe, pin her foot to the ground and cause your mother to have a mild heart attack.

Fortunately it went between my toes and only grazed the skin. It took a while for my mum to recover!

I hadn't realised how common this seems to be before reading the posts from Zuzu, nickelprincess & SDTG.

It only penetrated about 1cm nickel

I did panic for a moment though, but he honestly didn't seem to notice and carried on jumping about! Amazingly, he wasn't even scarred.

Zuzu

SDTG & Nickelprincess - I also had a mishap with a garden fork and stabbed my dog (who was capering about like a mad thing) in the neck .

He was a springer spaniel and quite mad so didn't seem to feel a thing as his brain wasn't actually connected to anywhere else in his body. Luckily, he was fine.

leave your glasses on when cutting your own fringe with your very sharpest scissors. Removing them will result in a lacerated eyeball.

I learned that you shouldn't listen to your mother when she's yelling at you for using the garden fork.

i think i was 8 - was digging the new garden quite happily, when I heard my mother yelling at me, i turned around to find out what she wanted (she sounded a bit mad!), put the fork down...
yep, through my trainers - still got the scar, about an inch above my toe.
didn't bleed much though.

wouldn't have happened had my mum not decided that the best time to yell about safety was whilst i was using the bloody thing!

One I learned when I was about 9 years old is that you should always watch where you are shoving the fork when you are digging the garden - it is not good if you plunge the fork through your wellyboots. Luckily the tine that went through the boot went between my toes and just grazed them - it could have been much worse!

Do not keep cans of red primer next to deodorant.

Glad to hear you got your toast and marmite and also the stilton cheese sandwiches along with your new baby, WMMchoc

I also learned the hard way that when you have spent two hours putting together your toddlers new trike, you should not demonstrate it by sitting on it and 'riding it' as your arse will become wedged on the seat and you will have to be helped out by your DH who will be unable to help for several minutes as he is ROFLing and trying to placate a very annoyed toddler who is prostrate on the ground screaming because he thinks you will break it.

They were not but DH came equipped. I then ended up demanding stilton sandwiches so he was dispatched to Sainsburys (in July) to buy some

You know in cartoons, when lots of crazy things happen that couldn't possibly happen in real life? Well, the 'standing on a rake and the handle flying up and whacking you hard on the nose' thing does. I know that, 'cos I tried it to see what would happen.

I hope they were ready with the marmite wmm-choc ?

Ha yes LimburgseVlaai - my first birth plan was three pages long. My second read: 'have baby; have tea and toast with marmite; go home'

Don't spend hours thinking up a birth plan. It won't go to plan.