Things you learned the hard way not to do again

Do not wait for your wifes first day back at work after maternity leave to put the 8 week old baby in car seat on the washing machine and wander off while it spins...apparently they vibrate. 3 hours in A and E is not the best way to prove you are capable!

Do not, in the excitement of video phones being released, decide with your friend to re-enact Will Youngs Leave Right Now video (just for something funny to film).

You will fall over backwards, and hit your fanny on the corner of a stereo speaker, causing a haematomah (sp?), lots of swelling, and the need to have a small operation to fix said fanny.

Especially don't do this when you have your A-Levels to sit in a few days time. You'll have to tell your teacher and the exam board why you can't do the exam due to your operation, and you'll end up doing it 2 weeks later in a room on your own with 1 examiner present, who probably knows exactly what happened, as you sit on a rubber ring.

Your doctor will also be the sexiest man you've ever met. And the hospital staff will find it so funny they call their colleagues in to have a laugh at you. And your cameraman friend will tell EVERYONE and still mention it 11 years later

If your cat is in season do not presume the trail of clear liquid along the floor is apple juice then run your finger through it and have a taste for good measure, just as the cat comes along making strange noises and wriggling her bottom close to the floor....

Don't agree to let a student doctor put a cannula in your hand. She fucked up the first in, which made my toes twitch. I realised the fourth next attempt in the other hand hadn't gone well when, in established labour, I had to clutch my wrist, which was agony. Turned out she'd broken the fucking cannula inside my vein. A year on, it's still there

Do not put your urine sample in your shoe in the dark to avoid forgetting to take it to the doctors in the morning. Your boss (was working away from home in company provided accommodation) will get up before you and be very unamused to find a piss bottle in his shoe...

If you are going to be sick, especially it's half an hour after eating steak, don't try to stop yourself by keeping your mouth closed. As it comes out of your nose instead. Chunks of vomity sick out of your nostrils isn't nice.

Even if you live on a private track and the only car that ever, ever goes up is your own, still look behind you when you reverse out of the drive because it could be the one day your 75 year old neighbour has got her first mobility scooter and has driven up said track to show you and you could possibly reverse into her. Fortunately I didn't damage her, scooter was a right off though and it dented my bumper.

Do not hold the dartboard for your 12 year old brother to aim at. His aim is not that good and you will have to remove the dart from your arm by your self as your mum is out shopping. And also the one from your thigh.

If you have a blocked drain, and drain cleaner and a plunger haven't helped, do not think that an AquaVac can cope with water and try that.
Firstly it won't work.
Secondly when you hoover the house the entire house will then reek of drains, so you have to buy a new one so your elderly landlady never finds out.
Thirdly, said landlady was overcome by the air freshener fumes required to cover the drains smell, collapsed and we had to get an ambulance for her. Fourthly, the rather pricey Dynorod guys will laugh a lot.

Ordering Baileys from a bar with a cheapskate manager. One bottle had curdled but rather than chuck it he carried on using it, just pouring back shots from people who complained. Likewise, do not let guests at your housewarming drink Baileys from glasses previously containing cider. The residue sets like concrete and you will have to throw your brand-new glasses away.

This thread is absolutely hilarious! Has made my evening.

I have a couple...

... Aged 14, deciding that you'd like a new fringe and getting out the scissors. That tufty bit took a long time to grow back!

... Having been given a second hand car seat, merrily taking off the whole cover to wash without paying any attention to how it goes back together.

... On coming into the front room in the middle of the day and discovering 3 men had opened the front door and were coming into my house, I shouldn't have believed their story and I SHOULD have paid attention to what they looked like, so that after having seen them off in a friendly way, I discovered they had nicked my ipod from my car and were, in fact, ROBBERS I could give a description to the police. Idiot! (As a side note, they were caught that same afternoon, thank goodness!)

So many more, but I can't bear to think about them at the moment.

By the way, blue waffle is, apparently, a hoax. There's no such actual disease. That's what I read anyway. Still didn't need to see it though!

Fair enough, it's the kind of thing that might seem a good idea at that age - but OUCH!!!

About 14 I think...

Geordie - how old were you when you did the nail varnish thing???

Do not believe that your glittery nailvarnish would make a fab long lasting eye shadow.

It will sting like fuck for hours.

Do not drink a whole bottleof advocat neat. You will throw up custard.

Don't accidentally let a cat into your house the night before your wedding. The ensuing melee will result kicking the skirting board (wasn't aiming for the cat, honest) and a broken toe. The toe is slightly wonky now, so is a memento of our wedding.

CHEEKY!

number 5
Do not play fight i meant

I really must read before i press send.

Metal pan i meant in number 3

OMG some of these have had me in stitches.

Do not try to reverse your brand new 3 weeks old car to impress some lads in a pub beer garden - you will reverse into a fence and dent the back end of car

DHs - Do not hold 2 weeks old breastfed baby on knee in between nappy changes it will result in baby pooing down leg, something that relects Chicken Korma

Do not leave a metal tin awkward on the gas hob leaving the handle exposed and try to pick it up without oven gloves

Do nnot try to be the greatest domestic goddess and clean the knife block, holding one knife blade in your hand and dropping it, catching the knife blade with your hand, it bleeds for eternity.

Do not play with with ex knobhead and lean in and let his elbow bash you in the eye resulting in a black eye 4 days before being a bridesmaid at your mother wedding.

Do not play football inside with the kids, especially when the small winnie the pooh ball lands at side of hoover, you will kick the hoover and break your little toe.

Do not bite down on a hard bit of burnt pizza base, it will result in you oving your wisdom tooth out of place and the need for operation to remove the said tooth especially when extremely scared of the dentist

Do not stand talking to mates at petrol station whilst filling car up and not noticing what you are doing and then realise you have just wasted £30 of petrol onto the floor and notihing in the tank.

Do not leave curling tongs plugged in to the extention then turn on the CD player and turn it off on the system rather than at the wall. My mother didnt see the funny side when it burnt a massive hole straight through to the underlay on a week old bedroom carpet - She will come home from the pub drunk, start shouting at you whilst been 5 months pregnant, then Stepdad starts shouting and DF (now DH0 start fighting over it and it will result in you moving out of your mothers house permanently :(

There are soooooooo many.

LostInTheBlackHole indeed, time to quit while I'm ahead.

Don't just pop on mn for a quick check of thread's i'm on when you need to be in bed early. You will end up going to bed at 1am and still have to get up at 4am.

MN will wait. The sleep deprivation will cause you to walk into the door to try to open it

Ooh, another one, don't leave a large church candle on the night storage heater and go to bed. You will wake up to a living room full of smoke, a horrible stench, you will be very frightened when you find it, and your land lord will be VERY upset!

Put out a scented candle with water and then mistake the candle for water glass in the middle of the night. Taste stayed with me for a long time.

Drop a silent but deadly fart in the food hall of a rather posh department store, causing the person behind to collapse in a epileptic fit.

Then, 15 years on, be on MN and realise somewhat belatedly that you named your son after the store in question.

I suspect Freud would have an opinion on the matter

I'm assuming you mean the chair. The steam burn was more embarrassing than truly painful. I was 11 at the time and refused to let my mother prick it with a pin to release all the trapped blood as the idea scared me too much.