Things you learned the hard way not to do again

Don't, when challenged by ejit father, say that he most definitely can not get you to stab yourself with a sewing needle, without touching you or the needle, then proceed to slam your hand down on said needle to make the point!

Wax my moms legs for her (screamed like murder, i'm just relieved I was doing it at home, not at college)

Ride a pushbike down a slide, especially if it has a bend in the middle

Laugh hysterically at dh when dd's ask why daddy has a tail! He didn't know how to answer & I couldn't speak for about an hour!!!!

Rush around like an idiot for a last minute house viewing then slip over on freshly swept kitchen floor doing serious damage to an already dodgy left leg & pull left shoulder. The bruises are some very pretty colours! (& the house wasn't suitable either fucking time wasters

My youngest bro: never straighten your legs when hanging upside down from a tree branch, hit a piece of wood with a hammer & not foot the other end & eat toadstools thinking they were mushrooms

This made me laugh more than anything all day. Have worked in hospitals so can envisage the scene - and the smell! Poor you.

For a dinner party I decided to invent a new dish to astound and delight and came up with brussel sprout curry...it didn't go down well

when secretly enjoying all the bath products at someone else's house make sure you check what it is first...neat tea tree oil on your private parts not only stings and makes you feel like you're wetting yourself for the next three days but the smell is so strong that you are soooo busted for using their stuff....embarrassed face

Ha Geoff! I would add to that with don't say "whatever" to your manager OUT LOUD.

Drink too much gin while sitting next to an open fire - and then try to stand up...
Or trust a Greek man to pour said gin for you!

Geoff a space hopper? on the stairs? Oh my, tears running down my face picturing it!
Whatever made you think that would work?

Not believing it's an electric fence. Twice.

do not step in dog poo not notice then kneel down to remove ds's shoes before taking your own off when you get in. you will get poo on your bum then manage to spread it around everywhere when you sit down.

do not blow a stray bit of ash from your chest while you have a full ashtray in your lap.

do not jump onto a ball with both feet, you will fly backwards into a wall before landing full force onto your arse

do not phone an engineer to fix your washing machine without first checking that its plugged in red face

Do not tell DP 'ok shut the boot' unless your head is REALLY out of the way first. He will close it without looking and slam it into your skull.

Don't touch the red rings on the electric grill to 'make sure when its red it is hot' it is bloody hot!

Don't leave the wire on the garden strimmer too long then turn it on with the guard pointing outwards. The wire lashed into my shin and left a lumpy bruise for weeks, plus my neighbours heard some swear words they probs didn't even know exsisted!

When 14 don't watch the boy you really like walk by while sitting on a fence. As you lean back to watch him walk off you will fall, legs in the air, friends all laugh hysterically, then boy turns round and sees everything!

Do not attempt to go down the stairs on a space hopper on two separate occasions.

Do not forget who you're talking to and answer a work colleague with a comedy Japanese word as you regularly do with your husband.

Do not be dazzled by handsome gardeners who in hindsight cut some corners that are a continuing source of irritation. They were so pretty though.

do not shave your legs with a cut throat razor

Don't attempt to make a balloon animal just like the magician did. You will spend so long trying to twist the bastard thing into shape that it will give up and burst. You will feel bad for disappointing the dc's even though they're probably not that bothered and you will disappear off in a sulk.

Improvising a recipe for gluten-free seedy bread. I thought it was a good idea an hour ago. The dense, crispy shelled, still wet in the middle mass in my oven tells me otherwise

Don't allow your slightly drunk brother to pour hot oil into your ear to unblock it! Was supposed to be slightly warm, he warmed a teaspoon full with a lighter and poured it in. Burnt my head with the spoon too! No lasting damage luckily, but was sore for days!

Dont try and get hairdye off your neck using a magic sponge it burns like hell and looks like you have been strangled.

Dont try and pull two wire wool scourers apart you will cut your hand very badly.

Dont turn your house upside down looking for you phone when drunk forget what you were looking for then go to the pub. When you do come home dont call the police because you think you have been burgled.

Dont get lost when drunk in an industrial estate and call the police to come and get you.

Dont drink alot of nightnurse before your daughters christening because you like the warm feeling you get from it. You will fall asleep while eating dinner and never hear the end of it

Do not believe that shoving an alkaseltzer (sp) up your fanjo will result in a pleasant fizzing sensation during intercourse.
It will in fact remove all liquid from said fanjo in less than 2.4 seconds, making it drier than the Sahara desert. The walk down to the bathroom at boyfriends house at two am whilst having you internal organs fused together by sandpaper vag whilst not making a sound is excruciating.
Once in bathroom, now hobbling like John Wayne the only relief was unscrewing the shower head and sticking the whole thing up there to rehydrate, it took about thirty minutes to clean it out. Never again!!!!

Have been rereading this thread with immense enjoyment and bizarrely found a post from myself under an old username from exactly three years ago today! Freaky.

Never store an open carton of orange juice in between the walls of a tent. It may seem a sensible way to keep it cool if you don't have a cool box but a slug will get in and your OH will drink it.

Always remember to extinguish the flame on a flaming Drambuie because having your top lip on fire is not a good look on your 18th birthday and the scab that follows is hard to explain

Don't use pure acetone to remove false nails by resting hands on varnished dining table and knock the bowl which the acetone is in, spilling it on the table. There is now a lovely stain where the acetone has removed the varnish from the table.

One from dh:

Don't go to a job interview all dressed smartly and get out the car quickly forgetting that a spring is sticking out of the seat therefore ripping your trousers from thigh to knee

Another one of mine:

Don't be excited at the new CD player mum has ordered from the catalogue and open it by sticking a very sharp knife into the top and dragging it the length of the box it will result in a very angry mother who's noticed the full length scrape across the top of the CD player.

Another one.

Don't assume your sister will be ok when she is crying after doing a handstand which went wrong, moaning that he arm hurts. Continue to watch it grow in size for 4 hours until mum get home from work. (Was 14/15) she will have dislocated her elbow and broken her arm resulting in a full arm pot which was on for near on 10 weeks!!! It was a bad break.

Do not play football in the house with 2yr old Ds, then position football next to the Hoover and kick - you will kick the Hoover and break your little
Toe.

Don't try to catch a bread knife that you drop - you will catch it by the blade and cut 4 fingers.

Don't run the bath then close the kitchen door (downstairs bathroom) then go on Facebook - you will wonder what that noise is after a while and think the washer is on and that it's broken, before realizing the bath has been running for nearly 20 mins. Luckily we'd had a new bath put in the week before that did have a drain hole, which our previous bath didn't have - I didn't flood the bathroom thankfully.

Don't lock your ds1 aged 2.5 in the car forgetting that the old new car you'd got didn't have central locking. - it will result in the fire brigade eventually coming out due to it been a warm day.

Don't think you can get away with putting ds2 aged 2 in the bath, wetting his hair and tying it in a bobble and cutting above the bobble - it will look like a bob and he will look ridiculous the next morning on Christmas Day

Don't give the boys chocolate when potty training 2.5 year old, take him into the bathroom to clean him up after an accident, leaving ds1 aged 1 crawling around. - he will find a stray 'piece if chocolate and eat it'. Then when you come back in wonder what Ds is eating and then wonder what that smell was. - as dh said to me when I walked in from work. Don't kiss ds2 on the mouth he's had a mouthful of shite

Don't push your sister head over the boiling kettle, she will end up with a scab on the bridge of her nose lol

Don't tell your sister your going to pour bath water over her back (young kids me and sister) then fill the jug with boiling water from the tap.