Things you learned the hard way not to do again

Do not empty stuff into the outdoor bin in the dark, realise you have dropped something and pick it up without first putting the outdoor light on. It will not be a bit of rubbish, but will be a hedgehog....

Do not check to see what the jigsaw blade has jammed on by feeling with one hand while the other hand is still pressing the trigger.

Do not fall asleep with the cat sitting on your chest and licking your nose. You will wake up with all the skin removed from your nose.

Do not have vigorous sex on carpetted stairs. The friction burn marks in equally-spaced lines are a bugger to explain.

malteser pmsl. Please please please explain why you put your dirty knickers in your boss's handbag?

Loving this thread

Do not take a spare pair of knickers to work with you to change into before you go for the dreaded smear test.

Do not accidentally and for reasons that are still unclear, put dirty knickers in a plastic bag in your boss's handbag which she then looks in and emits an almightly scream!

I thought of another one - do not hoick on the upper edge of your bra to adjust it without first making sure you have a rock solid grip. It is very embarrassing to have to explain to people that you punched yourself in the eye (hence the bruising), and all in the course of adjusting your underwear...

Ah yes, if you have a pony with a history of being difficult to catch, but that has for the last few months been very good, don't assume that it is now safe to leave the gate open when you go into the field to get her...

Do not re-set the trip meter on you car by reaching through the steering wheel whilst you are driving around a corner.

It fucking hurts and the embarrassment of explaining just how you broke your arm will stay with you forever.

Don't super glue wall paper to the wall as you will super glue your 2 fingers together.

Drive too fast down unfamiliar country lanes, which are often used by huge tractors = one very dented car

Haven't shut my finger in a car door for several decades, but a friend did slam the car boot shut... onto her nipple

Another friend stripped his kitchen door with paint stripper, forgot to wash his hands, then went for a pee (ouch!)

My father will explain that when doing the very final bit of wallpapering in a room and struggling with the tricky bit around the window sill, it is never a good idea to simply grab the first thing to hand to stand on. Especially when that thing happens to be an empty fishtank.

Not only will you end up in hospital for two weeks, but the blood from the resultant severed achilles will create the most impressive pattern across all the wallpaper you just put up.

If you have a gate to a horse field open and a large horse spots it and gallops towards you, let the sod through. A game of gate-chicken will only result in your hand being crushed between the gate and the post by the weight of the disgruntled horse.

At least I won.

Oh another one learned the hard way

Do not ever run headlong into the garden without first checking that the patio doors are open

dying

Drying knickers in a saucepan!!!!! Mooncup in saucepan I understand, knickers, nope, you've lost me

Do not accidentally lock yourself out of your flat whilst dying knickers in a saucepan on the stove in a foreign country.

The embarrassment of running to the police station to explain to a Dutch copper why they needed to help me break into a back window of my flat (forth floor) in case my knickers burned the whole house down is not something I would care to repeat.

Oh yes.

Do not, if you are totally inexperienced at boating, attempt to go through a mile-long tunnel during your first hour on board. You will have no idea where the headlight is and will subsequently travel three quarters of a mile in pitch darkness, in terror, screaming at every mysterious drip and odd bit of whatever brushing against you, cringing every time the boat scrapes the side and something falls off it with a splash. The headlight will eventually be located by glow of mobile phone and will be switched on to reveal that another boat has started to come through the tunnel from the other end as you were so slow that the lights changed. You will be sworn at.

GrannyMo you reminded me of one.

Do not, if someone's hat blows off whilst on a canal boat, attempt to slam it into reverse for a three point turn to go back and retrieve it. The steering lever will break off in your hand, leaving you adrift. There will be a frantic search for sellotape which will turn into an even more frantic search for plasters. During this search there will be many near-misses with other canal boats including one, inexplicably, full of AC/DC fans all flipping you the bird. Once the steering lever has been patched back on with plasters, DO wait for the lock keeper to help you at the lock you need to get through to reach the canal boat garage, because otherwise it will be near impossible to get the boat close enough to the side for it to be securely moored, meaning that it will slowly drift into the waterfall of water which comes in once the lock opens, slowly filling the boat with water, threatening to sink it and drown you.

Also, once all this has happened, the lock has been closed and danger averted, DO pop your head up and wave at your friends instead of fussing about trying to get everything off the floor and away from the water inside the boat, or else they will think you have drowned. Please ignore this if the lock keeper happens to be good-looking because he will start to strip in an effort to leap in and save you.

I learnt the tender age of 12 not to eat tinned ham. Apart from it being vile, the tin never opened with the stupid key that comes with it, as it always snapped off half way. wrapped my hands in a tea towel to try pulling it apart and sliced deep into my thumb and middle finger.

And again...google Blue waffle

Do not use disabled toilet with a small child in tow and then allow said small child to wonder under the hand drier (you know the sort, the ones that are like a jet engine). The small child WILL scream, run in the opposite direction and manage to push open the door you didn't lock properly, all while you are still sitting with your knickers round your ankles!

If hat blows off on windy and snowy day, let it go and buy another cos chasing hat over a small grassy slope in the snow can result in open fracture of tib & fib, looking a twit in front of colleagues and time off work for eight months.

NB Really try not to chase hat etc four months before daughter's wedding. Crutches plus that wedding outfit bought to wear with high heels, is not a good look.

Do not gargle eau de cologne just because Scarlett O' Hara did. It will dissolve your soft palate.

do not drop a lit match into an ashtray full of cigarette buts (in the days when you could smoke in pubs) then eanover and blow it out - then ashen faced/zombie look is not sexy and you look like a pillock.

Do not squirt a pile of acrylic nail glue (essentially superglue) into the palm of your hand "oh bugger its blcked, I'll just squueze harder, oh shit its not blocked any more" then grab for your nail varnish remover sodden cotton wool to mop it up wth. Who knew there is a chemical reaction between acetone and superglue which can necessitate a trip to Chelsea and Westminster burns unit. On the upside - my 15 minutes of fame - there is a fax about me to all burns units in the country as apparently they weren't aware of this phenomenon either.

Do not listen to boss when he says legal docs need delivering to solicitor in next 10 mins, jump into his bald-tyred pickup truck, speed off down muddy country road, skid, flip pickup up verge and high into the air to land upside down precariously on large blackthorn hedge.

How to get out of said predicament: move slightly (exhaling held breath will do). This will unbalance pickup and it will slowly topple off hedge to land upright in cow field. Do not be alarmed as herd of cows surround you whilst awaiting sacking rescue from furious boss.