Things you learned the hard way not to do again

Don't rely on breast feeding as a contraceptive-some sperm are just TOO good at swimming....

ooh - you've made Classics! Have a

Don't take a serving of bolognese to work in a former houmous pot, and put it in the microwave without decanting first. Plastinated pasta sauce (plasta sauce?) doesn't taste good.

When draining pasta through a colander, don't do it at the stove. Try holding it over the sink first.

Blue waffle. Luckily I have already had my lunch.

Don't snort black pepper, even for a dare...

Don't use normal white emulsion to paint bathroom floor unless you want to leave white footprints leading from bathroom to rest of house following bath.

Don't turn your head to talk to members of your family over your shoulder while carrying a tray of just-poured-from-the-boiling-saucepan fudge out to the conservatory to cool.

Even if, 15 years later, the resulting scar looks fetchingly like a map of Europe it's not worth the sensation of sugar fusing with the skin of your wrist at 110 degrees C.

Darling friends partner is called PHIL. Her psycho druggie ex is called PAUL. Do not get this confused when making calls from her mobile outside of A&E when she's injured herself. Security dealt with it. She forgave me.

That bath-bomb tainted popcorn that Lush Christmas boxes are packed with is not poisonous to dogs.

God that was a panic, with a killer hangover, at 7am on boxing day morning, with a 10 litre bucket of the stuff missing and very unhappy collie doing the help me, I think I might die big eyes thing.

Don't step into the garden when it's blowing galeforce winds with a deep tray of hot ash straight out of the Rayburn.

You can not expect to get away with leaving a 40 stone motorcycle facing down hill in neutral with the engine running while you just hop off to put some letters in the post box.

It wasn't watching it make it's way down the hill, or even the cost of replacing the fairing, 2 indicators and an exhaust that really got to me. It was having to knock on doors to ask neighbours to help me get the 40 stone leviathan upright and facing back uphill again to go home. They still remember hangs head in shame. No one laughed.

- well, it certianly broke the ice....

Rusty I don't agree. I think more people should go to client meetings deliberately planning to release a spring-loaded rubber chicken at them.

Do not put your DSs rubber chicken in your handbag and forget about it. Do not then go and meet a client with said chicken in your handbag - neatly folded in half for maximum spring effect when you open your handbag.

Everything floats in the Dead Sea, except car keys..

Do not think, if a drunken haze, that you can climb from one boat to another in a long dress and tiara. You will end up in hospital with a broken and dislocated shoulder.

Never use the missionary position when having vigorous sex n the living room carpet. I still have a scar on my sacrum.

Never, as a teenage stablehand, turn out a horse into the field of yearlings without closing the gate. The 30 panicky minutes you then spend chasing sniggering horses up and down the lane will feel like ten years.

And from DP: Never, as a 20-year-old undergraduate, try to save time getting to your tutorial by skipping over low chain fence while wearing winklepickers.

Not only will you lose both front teeth, but 18 years later you will get an infection in one of the veneers, resulting in a pus explosion on the plane back from a client meeting and £2,000 worth of extremely painful dental treatment.

Try to refill a cooker lighter with lighter fuel, spill it all over the outside and then click it to see if it works. Seeing my hand on fire was alarming.

Do not close a glazed door that sticks with your hand on the glass, it will smash and you will be in A&E with a sliced wrist.

Always tie your laces before going out.(Doc martens might have looked cool with super long laces but only when fastened) I slammed the door, laces got stuck i fell over. Then do not bang loudly on glass to wakec sis up and smash the glass.

Workingitout I genuinely don't know how it happened. It was all an embarrassing blur. I can be scatty at the best of times but this takes the !

Fortunately we all worked for the NHS so she wasn't too squeamish and found it hilarious. I believe it has been mentioned once or twice since!

Oh and soap flakes are not a good alternative to dishwasher tablets when you have run out, unless you fancy an impromptu foam party in your kitchen.

Do listen to your dad when he says to be careful playing outside as the huge conrete steps are slippy, as you will slip on them and knock your 2 front teeth out.

Don't use your hand to push down the rubbish in the bin, a sharp tuna can lid will cut your palm open nicely.

Don't give your lttle sister a glass milk bottle to use in a water fight because you want the better squirty bottle, she will cut her wrists open and you will spend the lovely sunny afternoon in A&E.

Don't run into a big glass door in a hurry, it will swing right open, hit the barrier and the shock will smash the whole glass frontage of the building you are trying to leave, right on your head.

LOok before you leap. . .in all capacities as it were !

If you use Ariel liquid tabs and one bursts in the plastic box, leaving gel all over the other tablets, do not attempt to rinse off the gel off the other tablets. Result - one huge globby (such a word?) mess.