Things you learned the hard way not to do again

To be very VERY careful whilst tending to the lady garden with Veet-painful if not, rather like a burn...

Do not, under any circumstances, google wolfbagging.

junkfairy
also if you dream you're having a lovely wee, you probably are

...yep!

geordieminx you have reminded me of another!
When you are 10, and your evil 14 year old sister says she will make you up as Adam Ant, don't let her paint a big glittery nail varninsh streak across your nose.
Your dad will go fucking bat shit and bend you over the sink to scrub you clean with a nail brush

When going in to have PFB DD with my dad to accompany me til DP could get there (got called in from work to be induced early as I had obstetric cholestasis), don't reply "yes" when the consultant asks "Is this dad?", because he will think that your Dad is your partner and attempt to give you an internal examination with your old man desperately trying to escape the voluminous folds of curtain :)

(And he'll say "vagina" in front of him )

In order to clear a cold I put vicks in my bath. My entire body was frozen from the waist down.

When in a rush in the morning clean knickers are effective scrunchies, however remember to take them out before leaving the house. You will either end up wearing them at work or put them in pockets where they will fall out!

Also when's babysitting DN's and you see knickers on the floor near the wash basket, don't just gingerly pick them up and put them in basket whilst thinking I have a pair like that. DSiL will not be happy when she finds them!

Don't flick cigarette ash out of the car window without first winding the window down. I was wearing shorts. My thighs still bear the scars. They are a good reminder of why I no longer smoke.

Don't let DD2 climb trees, there's a kind of thud no mother wants to hear twice. Fortunately she'd only broken her wrist.

Don't let DD2 trampoline, there's a snap no father wants to hear. Yes that was the other wrist.

Of course DD2 has no such worries and still climbs trees and trampolines, the only difference is she can now do linked back somersaults!

Do not, when drunk, attempt to pee in a nightclub toilet when the lid is closed.

When using those tardis type public toilets in France, do not hold the door open for your child to go in when you exit. He will get washed, along with the entire interior.

Do no, while walking home across a field in the dark, kick a random ball that has been left in the field, it might be a hedgehog

Don't go in the swimming pool at a night club in your underwear and then go dance on the pitch black dance floor wearing no knickers or contact lenses (both didn't survive the drunken swimming...

It's very difficult to act all cool when you slip and fall heavily on your bottom, especially when someone's left a beer bottle exactly where you fall. It went up my foof and cut my vulva

I was in agony - physically and from the humiliation. I was there alone trying to impress a boy Id met the night before, so no friends to help or at least buy me a drink to console me!

It was a very effective form of contraception!

Rely on pushing baby in pram or driving in car to get them to sleep.!

Checking to see of my hair straighteners are off by wrapping my hand around them. They usually aren't.

I walked under a descending car park barrier, too - didn't see it and got hit on the head. Reading again.

Do not walk under a Car park barrier as it's coming down, it will hurt!

Do not attempt to give your little brother a 'step' Haircut with your DM ladyshave, he will burst into tears and you will be grounded.

Do not mistake lard for butter, and spread liberally on bread ... I still can't even look at a packet of lard ...

DH do not fall asleep drunk on a wall with a sheer drop the other side, you will break your shoulder blade and feel lots of pain despite the copious amount of alcohol consumed.

DBro says to never attempt to change a light bulb in the hall while balancing one foot on the bannister and one on the windowsill, especially in socks, you will hurtle down the stairs at great speed !

DBil says to never run a bath when you get in from a session from the pub and go for a lie down while waiting, the flood damage is expensive to fix.

DH do not put cheese on toast under the grill when home from a session at the pub, and 'rest your eyes' while lying on the kitchen floor. Your DW will not be amused at the ensuing kitchen fire !

Do not, when drunkenly peeing at a music festival, go into the dark portaloo and neglect to check that the toilet lid is up. Twice.

You will end up covered in your own urine.

Not finished reading thread but for anyone who is still wondering what happens if you hold a magnet to a tv screen, this is about the best thing I can imagine happens

Lick the straighteners. On the iron. When hot.

I'm an idiot.

Do not try to read while walking downstairs. You WILL miss a step, and crash head first into glass front door.

Don't go to a drunken party, slip over on a wet floor during a water fight, break your wrist and give yourself a black eye. Especially if you are starting a new job two days later.

ride the stallion when he comes back form the stud farm..... that didn't end well and no amount of in the world could make that heal quicker

Do not when thinking how lovely the new ginger and lemon tea bags smell put your nose in the empty box and inhale. The left over loose 'tea' leaves will go up your nose and burn like hell.

Do not get distracted by someone talking to you when leading a notoriously difficult and greedy horse back to his field. He will shoot off up the steep bank that surrounds three sides of the outdoor arena to munch the lovely long grass and you will have to spend 20 minutes chasing him around without falling down it, while everyone drinking by watches, before he'll come back down!

Do remember to pull your nickers down as well as your trousers when having a drunken pee. And also if you dream you're having a lovely wee, you probably are. Pay attention when picking up red hot hair straighteners and not grab the wrong end. Listen to your parents when they insist the loft is not a safe place for children, you will fall backwards out of the loft hatch and suffer concussion. Also be careful to close the basement hatch when serving in a pub. Never confuse nail polish remover for eye make up remover and always remember to zip up the trampoline door when young DC are overly excitable on it. One will fall out and you will feel like the worlds worst mother.