Middle Ages Mumsnet

My deere sustres, I have grete news the whiche I have heretofore been unable to share with thee.

Mine husbande, being of a Godly mind, doth fast from all fleshe upon the Fridayes of the weeke, and many other times beside.

My onely complaint is, he fasteth also from mine fleshe, and I find this moste sexualie frustrating, in maner of ye wanton women who enjoye ye sexual relations.

Shall I quell mine urges on fasting dayes, as my husband biddeth, or shall I seduce him, with fond mumerings, 'yea, even so, husband, thou and I may have a babe, and may anticipate his arrival with a ticker, even as it is at the nette of mums, and if not, we shall have a grete pleasure callyd, by the Wise Woman, an 'orgasme'?'

What say ye, ladies?

Dear Ladyes, AIBU to become vexed by mine Neighboure? This slattern has manye children whom are Rude and discourteous. They are less than Ten summers in age, yet are allowed to peruse the Booke Of Fayce. Mine neighboure holdes Manye drunken gatheringes which are Loude from dusk til dawne, and her Manye gentlemen callers are Intoxicated. Should I proclaime her to be a Womanne of Low virtue, or indeede, a Wytch? I fear repercussiones.

I thank thee most heartily fore thy advice sister, I will departe from thys place unto the market where I may procure parsnip seeds for sowyng in yonder garden.

My Lord though, he be bygger than myself and 'twould take a great deal of strength 'ere he be locked in yonder Byre. Wouldst thou knowe of any that mayest helpe me to complete this lockyng in?

Mistress Sugar how I wish 'twere possyble to confide in the village wysewoman however, my good frende hath taken off wyth her man of milk and cannot helpe me furthere.

I only have thatte goode woman who gave me lyfe to confyde in butte it hath been vouchsafed to me that she maye be in league with Beelzebub hymself and be a crone to be shunned as I wouldst the devil!

Guard thyselves sisters! Mistress tallwivglasses has obviously been taken over by thatte most foule of places, Net of Mums and has been sent by those who wouldst hugge and use sorcerous words to bedazzle ye!

If we be quicke dear sisters, we may yette save our sister from thatte influence and return her to her place within our midst.

Cast out those wenches who doth steal our goode sisters for who knows what nefarious purpose and have thy menfolk guard themselves against theyr freely offered words of lovyng.

Mistress Saggy. Whilst to mine mynde a goodwife should offere not camplayntes of her own good lord. I feele that thou art sorely vexed by syche hapeninges of the chambere.

I also have bene moste devillishly deceived in these mattyres. Verily I was promysed an showere of golde by mine own husbande....

Greetings fair maidens. 'Tis my firste tyme upon mumsnette so prithee be kinde, LOL.

Yea, I am shock'd and dismay'd bye the filth spew'd forth from the mouthes of the gentlewomen of mumsnette, and the foule advyce proffer'd to hags who have displeas'd their poor husbandes.

Verily this syte is plaine and dulle, with no sparklinge bittes nor bryte coloures.

Hence I bidde you farewell, hunnes xxx (hugges)

I bid ye a goode morn sisters. I too have a tale thatte muste be tolde of happenyngs within my lords chambers last e'en.

My Lord didst take me into hys chambers and there didst recount unto me hys idea of an apprenticeship with the village glassmaker.

I did question my Lord as to what he maye have meant by 'blowe jobbe' whereupon he didst offer to showe me what he wouldst have me do.

'twas most shocking sisters! He didst throw me back upon the sheets of his bedde and there, didst kneel above my head with no undergarments upon his person!

Needless to saye, my Lord's appendage didst finde its waye into thatte playce thatte mayest only be used for the utterances of our goode Lords words.

What mayest I do now? I am sorely vexed by my Lord's action and fear thatte he hath sullied that most innocent of places.

Help I beg of thee!

nor was the gruel organik.

Laydes, perchance ye have ye minute to join with me in examination of this sondrye recipte that I found in a wagon at the market se'enday past?

Lo, tis inscribed on the back of a missive pertaininge to be from Ye Gasse of Albion, and reads as so:

-three loaves of brede
-ye curde of whey for the infants
-ragges for the privy
-GRUEL
-nice gruel
-Gruel that is for ye grown-uppes on ye Sonnedaye
-Ye cheape gruel for ye servantes and serfs
-water with admixture of ye froot
-Sudocrem

Methinks the ladye of this recepite is stucke-uppe. AIBU?

Ye wytches be not burned in these lands; be of good cheere. They be hanged merely, and onely if they be guiltye of maleficium. Ye be peasantes.

Dear systers, I am soreley vexed. Having only recently arisen from my pallet comfybed I must relayte these happenyngs. On retyring last evenyng, my lord husbande mentioned a gift. A necklace of pearls no less. Methought he was makyng amends for his poor Yuletide efforts.
Well systers! I must make haste to assure thee that a gift was not uppermost in hys mind!
A most foul venture it was. I am thoroughly ashamed. How shall I pay my husband back for these happenyngs? I feel I must confess to the friar, but am worried I will be branded a harlotte. Prithee what shall I do?

ahh - how the sun doth shine bringing warmth into my heart and a spring into my step - but enough of this idle talk, tis time I made haste - my dear friend Catherine Kiddleston has some more colourful trinkets she would like to bestow upon me - my pantry is now so full of her crap finery it is near bursting. I fear I may have to beseech the help of local woman Edith Baye, a common type, but my hardy nature doth ignore her stench.

I bid thee all a good day.

Has anyone yette post'd , by Bill Bailey?

SlayerofBalloones - syruppe of figges and xenical causeth fouling of the britches.

I feare Sir Paul of McKenna intendes on the whysking off thereof with the maide whomovedmychocolate. I feare he will keepe her in his cow shedde for his own funne, the Eville Sonne of the Devylle.

Let us duck him in the ponde to becalm his ardour then feede him lardycakes to fatten his rumps.

Alackaday, I feele pustula on chinnes - bubonic or pusse?

Befaddlued in Bedchamber