Middle Ages Mumsnet

I have heard tell of these Mumsnette HQ wenches...much trickery and whispering in the ears of Powerful Men at Court is , I heareth, one sport they muchly enjoy

hath, not hast

Alack!

This post upon the Walle hast been Cast Downe by Mumsnette.

surely, saggy must ask thys of her husbande, for mine is the Lord of the manor, and hath sent his firstborn son and heir to the crusades, though cannot go on such a pilgrimage himself, as he suffers most vexingly from a miasma of his agues.

I thynke he is tayking the pysse mineself, yet as a good wyfe my tongue is stylle, and my arms do not refuse hym comforte.

GoodLadye SOmething, thine DD should well attend a gentle birch whipping...thus casting our the demons that forceth her to such unnmaidenly behaviour

I'faith LadyEdgar, no true man should attendeth that which is muchely woman's work! Why is he not engageth upon a Crusade like a True Christian Goodman?

yff ye decide upon ye waters of kyffe, set your husbande a-busy to stille hys mind wyth the labour of drawing the water, and making a good fire to heat it, that he will not bea hindrance to ye, wyth his protestation that 'his dynner is not made' nor 'hys play sworde is broken, and he must forge a new one afresh'

Ye may not need the water, yet a busy husbande is better than one idling as surely, the devil will make use of his handes if you do not!

Goodwives all, my sisters young suitor, a most promising young squire in service to our carousing lord of the manner hath been partaking of many a rollicking eve at the local tavern when accompanying his lord. Am I being mistrusful of his honorouble intentions towards his bride to be when I hear tales of wenching and lechery? Should sally forth and speaketh my mind to the young squire or retire to my dower room to brood upon my needlework and keep my own counsel?

Gentles all, thy wit hath afforded me muche pantes-wetting in days passed.

Prithee, Doth I Be Unreasonable?

Mine DLAM (Darling Lord and Master) sayeth we should cast our DD out into the snow to perish for her disobedience. But mine tender womyn's heart bids me saye No, that she shoulde be soundely whipped and beaten insteade.

I know I am soft, to be lettynge her off so lightly . But she hath only 8 summers, and I feel that with frequent beating she will learneth.

What thinkest thou all? Flameth me not for beinge too softe

Ye Corner of Pedants:

I beseeche ye, goodwyfs, do you seeke to make your Wrytyngs consistent, for mine eyes bleede from this profligacy of Scripts and infelicitous use of Partes of Speeche ('tis "thou dost, he doth").

Mistress saggy, I muste forwarne thee that I beleeve Mistress juggeling to be a foule wicche, and unnatural ...

SaggyOldCatt - My deare daughtere dids't enter this earthly worlde through the waters of liffe, as a myrtle birde doth sing upone the branche, and undre ye lighte of a full ripe moone.

Accompanied also by ye gentel minstrels from far eastern lande, ye brothers Guo, upon ye bamboo flute and other strangye instruments of greate mysterie.

Suche a birthe I do heartily recommende when thy time shalle cometh, and wishe thee glad tidings of the greatest joye, for thee and thye babe, and all thye kith and kin !

Notwithstandinge the greate comforte thy mightest finde from the goodly and timely encouragement of ye midwyves and gentelfolke !

Nay, I believe thou shouldst remain within thy dwelling, calling forthe bravely for to affront the devil, and seeking the help onely of thine husband, who will be much cheere by the sight of thy baby.

Thou knowest, it is the onely waye for ye menfolke to bond with babes new come.

Or, thou mayest take a good knife and whetstone, and prepare the waye thyself, commending thy soule unto God, as is proper.

Childbirthing, as we are told, is most natural.

Good wyves, I have a new dilemma. My tyme of birthing draws neyre, and I have no planes for bringynge forth the babe.
My lord husband suggests that I issue forth and enter the apothecaries wards, where herbs and other tools will be used to bring forth the chylde. My fair mother, sayes I must throw myself onthe mercyes of the sisters of the holy order of ye midwyves. She tells me that they doest less interferyng, but that yf the babe is stubborn, I maye have to go to the apothecary after all.
I have heard of somethyng called a water byrth, and feels thys may benefyt myself as I wyll get my yearly washyng. That whych I would Lyke to know, is would the midden pool be suitable, or shude I go for ye Birthynge Poole in a sacke and hope that I may draw ye water in time before the chylde appears?

Oh, sister, I mean no offence to thee and doth notte pretend in anywyse to have knowledge. I speake out only because thys Vy Ag Ra was being whispered about around ye village well and happened to heare what my village sisters were talkyng about.

I do freely admit however to being scared stupid afeared of AIBU as the women there be far greater than I in all matters and wouldst not lyke to annoye them.

Perhaps one day I shall o'ercome thys feare and join thee in a conversation or three [smileth shyly]

Thou art truely wise! I shalle now thanke thee, and later recall thine uncanny knowledge when thou makest a foolish statement in the AIBU pages, where I shall doubtless remember to call thee an unnatural wycche.

Suche is the nature of our womanlie friendshipe here.

I goe now to purchase ye ointment of toad, having scythed mine Ladye Garden and founde ye remaining prickly shootes of tendre grass moste vexatious to mine senses. I praye mine husbande be not putte off ye Relations by mine likenesse to ane hedgehog ...

Mistress RedDradgon, I didst not mean that thou should tempt thy Lord into renouncing his Godly ways upon the Friday, simply that thou maye useth thys 'pill' on other dayes when he hath not the excuse of Godliness by addyng itte to hys mead {grinneth]

Thys then doth not break thy Lords vow and wyll make thy owne lyfe sweeter fore the reste of the weeke. I am sure our Lord God wouldst not objecte to thys as he wouldst notte have bestowed upon us thys desire otherwyse [winketh]

Mistress sephrenia, butte what maye I doe about my lord's Godliness? I maye notte tempte him to renounce the Godly refusal of the sexe, the mete and the wine on the holy Friday (in mind of our Lordes Passion, a grete suffering like unto mine for ye wicked Libido).

Thus I suffer and beginne to caste eyes and the comely manne who visiteth us for the repairing of pipes and alle manere of manly worke ... it is moste difficult to resist, for I am gretly inflamed by ye porne-tapestries, the whiche have corrupted mine weake womanly minde.

In the same wise, sistres, dost thou not thinke that the foul haire we carry betweene oure thighes, were more pleasing to the eye if shaven aweye? I have a goode scythe with whiche we harvest ye grain - shall I betake it unto mine fair Ladye Garden, there to scythe awaye ye pestilent and plague-carrying hair that groweth thereupon?

carminaburana - i weep for thee and second thy prayer.
My own Lord, having spent yesterday uttering not one word of courtesy in mine direction, nor assisting with the hovel, awoke this morn with a burning desire to be availed of his marital rights. sisters, I implore your forgiveness but the Devil possessed my legges and clamped then shut then caused my tongue to utter words imploring my Lord to avail himself of some other slattern, although there may be a groat or two to dispense for the pleasure. He is most displeased and I am sore tempted to packeth mine baggeths and leave forthwith!

Mistress Ivanta - Thou art most certes notte unreasonable. Thou should denounceth thy neigboure as soon as thou possibly mayest to those who laboure fore the servyces social as 'twould seem she hath become enamoured of all thyngs devilish.

Mistress RedDragon - I have hearde tell of a tincture thatte maye be dystylled into somethyng knowne as a 'pill' named Vy Ag Ra thatte your Lord may taketh to helpe hys ardour. Get ye then to the apothecary and aske hys advyce fore he wille knowe of thys.

Mistress Reshape - be there any roome wyth thou at thys 'middle of nowhere'? I aske onlye because the local doomsayers saye thatte the yeare ending in '12' be of significane [grinneth]

Sadly I can no longer partaketh in advice giving as my dear husband has unearthed my innermost thoughts - I only speaketh of my lovers loins in slumber, but my fate is such that these spoken thoughts fell upon my dearest husbands ears - hence I am now set for Bedlam as my wicked wicked ways must be driven from as surely as the devil beset them upon me. I bid thee farewell -

weep for me - and preyeth that one day gentle women folk will be able to shaggeth more than one man - >

Goodwives of Mumsnette, I implore thee! Hast thou a Demone Planne? For the dark dayes of the Horned One are upon us, yea, and we must prepare for the coming of the ungodly Demones.

My good lorde and master hath prepared for this daye. To whit, he is to slaughter all the kine save two, hitch the beasts of burthden to ye wagonne, and slinge on to iyte my unworthie selfe and our 19 children. Also, three gross bundles of dried gruel, and ye tinnes of beans. I will holde ye pitchforke.

We will thenne journeye like ye clappers to darkest Cambria, where livest my sister. Tis well known that Demones frequent ye large townes - we will be safe in ye middle of nowhere.