Middle Ages Mumsnet

Madam LeQueen, knoweth ye not that a fee of two groats must be paid to the overlords of Mumsnette Towers by all who wish to cry their services upon these boards?

'Tis surely more sinful to be toiling in the fields where menfolk mayest become enamoured of thine sweaty self and imagynyng all manner of thyngs about what mayest lye under thy bodice than to staye indoors attendyng to thine offspring.

MissBeehiving This is welcome news indeed. May I suggest the butter of bottoms be preserved for such purpose. The village witch suggests this arrangement may also avoid issue from such poking.

I will be availinge myself of the talents of the smyth forthwyth. I onlye hope that he is able to remove the offynding article and ease mine suffering with his pokers and drill.

Pofteth in Tech Stuff:
Pleafe canft fomeone helpeth me? Ever fince I have been pofting on the Medieval Mumfnet thread, everytime I ufe the f key, the letter comef out looking like the letter f! [confufed]

News has reached me of a fine confectione, Ye Lemon Drizzle Cake, that many goode people of mumsnette much liketh. I much fancieth making this divine creation. Could a kinde mumsnetter giveth me ye recipe?

Good folk, thy jesting shouldst have me pysse myne knyckers, but mefears they bee not ynvented yett.

Sisters prithee cease this chatter! My underpinnings are dampening from my myrth.

I seeth the local innkeeper out in the orchard shooting hist fruit from the trees.

He forsook to tell me that he planneth a new libation for the chyldes.

I see a crossposted with other fine ladyfolk. Missbeehaving have you considered the fine work carried out by the midwitch Ann of Summers. Verily she offers all manner of tools to assist gentlewomen in your predicament.

[grinneth] @ LeQueen!

MissBeehiving - Jack the ironsmith on Dung Street may use his drill to help with your impediment. However, I beseech thee to take care he does not use his personal drill as thine husband may take issue to find you having issue upon his return.

and thou shouldst behold his fine greate pair of bellowes

beehyvinge take thee to the Smythy

he hath a pronge that i believe thou will surely find to thy satisfaction.

I am grateful WMMC for thine assistance in this unfortunate matter. The apothecary was not well aquainted with this miraculous substance and bid me rub some Butter of Bottoms on the affected part instead with limited relief. However there is now less squeaking arising from the infernal contraption.

Fair gentle folke of mn thou is pissing ones sides at the trials and tribulations of thy gentle era.

MissBeehiving - tryeth you Sudocrem?

Have patience, I know not whether this should be posted in "Style and Comeliness" or "Propertye";

Mine husband, is away on the Crusades in the Holy Lands and before he departeth these shores, he affixed to my personage a instruement which causes me much grievance though chafeing on my nether regions. I am unable to remove it without the key which he hath taken with him! Where might I procure a replacement key?

BalloonSlayer Fear ye not, your husband's maiden sister is enchanted by the demon Bridezilla. Repond forthwith to her leaf with one smeared with your dung. Then thou must arriveth at her wedding service attired in the gown of your great great Grandmother.

verily ye maidens have caused tears of merriment to courseth down my apple cheeks.I applaud thee all most wholeheartedly and must now repair to rinse my underpinnings in the river, as the violence of my joyful cries has led to severe leakage in my most unmentionable of unmentionables!

My lady approacheth me recently in the morrow to enquire ofeth my sack of accoutrements suitable to the pit that may arise following the ending of all endings. I have duly purchased said 'oh fucketh ruck sack' and packed it. However, mumsnetters, pray telleth to me, is it necessary to packeth the magick sticks of fire or will mine zippo suffice?

My husband's maiden sister doth pledge to marry her sweetheart before Easter falls.

Yet she hath sent all a beech leaf so that we might know the exact shade of brown we all must wear to see them wed.

I quoth to her: you must have sweated collecting the leaves autumn past. She quoth back: Nay! Yon maiden from the village O'er the hill does this for me for all the eggs my blackest hen lays.

Never have I known such a bride so above her station. And I the cousin of the bride that refused her great-great-Grandmother's dress!

Now she declares very prettily that suckling babes are most unwelcome.

Would I be outside of all reason to claim that the dung collecting shall be keeping us busy on the day she is to be wed?

I didst procure said frogge, and attempted to pass my water upponne it's back. But I am foiled in mye testings as I was unayble to anoint ye backe of ye cursed beast properley, and have bungled ye testings.
My lord husband has roundly cursed mye failing to be ayble to pee on a frogge strayte, and nowe I am unayble to procure another such creyture until the moone riseth on ye morrow.