Middle Ages Mumsnet

Goodwyfe saggyoldclothcatpuss, you are moste assuredly the kindest of women to grantsexualfavours pleade fore your sisters here.

Let it be knowne thatte once this probablyquitenice disgusting favoure is complete, I wyll make haste to ye poste boxe thatte I maye sendeth ye the treate knowne as Thorntons

I am sure thatte our fellowe sisters feel the same waye about your most noble sacrifyce!

Mistress Saggy, If I can bee of any helpe, I live fayrly neare in the towne of Cressgrove, neare Gippeswyck in the Countye of Suffolke.

I roffleth on yonder hearth at thys threadde ye fules.

sisters i must bid thee goode nyghte for the owl calls from yonder woods and the hour is late. may the Goode Lord keep and preserve thee in the hours of darkness that ye may live unsullied to see the sun rise on the morrow. For those amongst this company whose most fervent wish is to spend the hours of darkness beingsullied, i say unto thee - fill thy boots!!!!

I needeth a makings after, doe aide caney elp

Goody Sephrenia, please stem thy fears, I live here in ye towne of manningtree, which does abide next to ye town of Mistley. That be ye home of my lord Hopkins. I will takest myself to his abode and beseech him grantethhimsexualfavoures on behalf of my sister mumsnetters. As I am already up ye sticketh, there will be no risk of my disgrace on your behalf.

Surely notte, Mistress Sephrenia! I am sure that your own advyse is just as goode (if notte bettere) than mine owne.

I didst notice Mistress SoMuchToBits and feele thatte in thys situation, your advyce maye be of more helpe to our goode sister than thatte rendered by my own selfe

I recommende notte so much as the humble parsnip, butte the local soothsayer has giveth me a straynge new fruit which she called a "cucumber". Tis surely wytchcraft, but since that day, I have sent my lord husband to sleep in yonder privy.

Misstress Demented, thou hast hyt upon a most wonderfulle solution to thys problem. I will see to it within the hour as he doth even now sit down for hys evening meal and by chance I hath some bromide in yonder broom closet....

Crosse Postes, Sephrenia!

Twould it not bee possyble to saye that Our Goode Lorde hath provyded thine husbande wyth the means in whych to render thee wyth chylde?

After alle goode sister, everyone knoweth thatte our Saviour was born unto a vyrgyne himself and thys therefore shoulde be of no great surpryse

Saggy, ye do notte tell hym. Ye say that it was a chylde of Godde and shall be the next sayviour to mankind, thereforre negating the need for Ye Fuccke Offe Rucksackes.....

sephrenia - sister i implore thee to add tincture of bromide to his mead. Thus will he be visited by an affliction most sore to occupy his mind and divert it from the musings of the sisterhood!

Update on saggy's peeing on a frog post:
Noble mumsnet goodwives, my lord fechest me a payre of frogges this eve. I passed my waters into a vessel for ye holdinge of ye sweet provender, and annointed ye beast appropriately. Twould seemest that I am with child. Ye problemm that I be havinge now is that my lord husband be set on castinge me from the hovel house. It seemes thatte he was pecked by a goose last harvest time, and is now unayble to sow his seede.
I have been denounced as a whore, and amm to bee flogged around ye towne at noone, unlesse I nayme the man who has cuckolded my lord.
The dilemma be that the father of ye child be the squires son. He is a fine creature, and tipped me a groat for the pleasure. How do I tell my lord?

Carmina, thatte will be a housefulle of itemmes thenne. And our nearest streamme is verily foure myles awaye. And the shocke of losing Normane Ye Foremanne wuld cause my deere sonne to have ye fytte......

somuchtobits; gather all offending items into your petticoats and walk gaily to your nearest stream

• impending doome... cursed alchemy!

Good sisters, I must warn thee of imending doome!

My Lord and Master hath declared thatte we be nothynge more than a neste of vypers and thatte he hath sente parchment unto the WYtchfinder General Hopkins beseeching hym to vysyt our faire boards thatte he maye easily finde hymselfe the wytches thatte he hath long been searchyng fore.

Guard thyselves sisters! Report thine errant musings thatte they be removed by MNHQ poste haste!

(Also dear sisters, what punishment mayest I inflict on mine Lord and Master before that accursed General arriveth in our faire land?)

I praye ye Mumsnetteres may be able to assiste me in my plyghte. My deere sonne doth delight in playinngge with ye Playmobille toyes. His favourite charactere is a manne who goes by ye name of "Normanne Ye Foremanne". This charactere is a slovenly being who labours not at hard work, but prefferres instead to imbibe ye hotte beverage. I feare that this Normanne is a devilish influence uponne mine Chylde.

Please could anyone advyse me on which coorse of actione to take, o Wyse Mumsnetteres?

MissBeehiving I am sorely grieved that your husband doth abuse you so. I implore thee to change the locks on said implement without delay, and to procure some black hessian sacks from the local smithy, within which to deposit his worldly goods.

These left on the step of your abode on his return from the crusades, with an illuminated note, scribed by the monks of the parish:

Fuck Thee,
Thou Utter Arsehole

will communicate thy wifely displeasure most pretty.

Nay lequennie - I fear I am with child, and thus my days of jollying and debortury are behind me, > twas just 1 summer ago I swung like our corgi in spring time

Tis surely a most vexed question Mistresse AnyFuleNo. Whilst the tellings of Sir Jeremy are most diverting, a wife who toilest in the byre must surely be assured of a place in heaven?

tis the role of all God fearing women to toil, whether tis in the fields with the beasts of the earth,or in the hovel with a hungry babe gnawing thy drooping dugs. Whichsoever road thy choosest, keep in mind that the lord and master will brook no refusal to his needs, and that thou must be ready at all hours of the cock (!) to perform thy wifely duties with good cheer - MissBeehiving excused.
Be of stout heart - the outpourings of thy master will augment thy meagre diet of gruel and dirt and will provide thee with much needed protein,shouldst thou swallowest!