Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

Hilarious! We get all of these (civil service here too). My boss is always bloody well saying 'granularity', 'crunchy' and 'bandwidth'. It's so annoying that I put in his appraisal feedback that he would sound more intelligent if he talked properly.

Where I work everything is called 'strategic'. Like by saying it's strategic it will become strategic by magic. Really annoying.

I hope you all read Lucy Kellaway in the FT? Hilarious commentary on corporate bullshit. She did a whole column on 'Going forward' once. It was brilliant.

I like GOD though. 'Let's set up a bilat between GOD and the PUS is pretty funny'.

Maybe there's an opportunity for cross fertilization between management wanky corporate speak, and new age hippy bullshit speak.

I have [oh the shame] caught myself asking people 'whether they feel the energy is right for this now'

Not only did we play bullshit bingo, in an ailing floral retailer I used to work in, but we had a director who loved using jargon and wank speak. So we started to introduce our own made up ones, or any that were appropriate to see how long it was before she was quoting them in other meetings. Usually you needed to get them in three or four times before they were quoted to someone else.

Do more with less / efficiency savings = you're all loosing your jobs but there is the same amount of work to do.

I think my favourite is "Multiplicative Collaboration". Tried to read it outloud to DH and actually couldn't pronounce it. Tried again. And again. Still can't say the first word.

A stretchy monkey?!!?! Thank goodness that hasn't reached the civil service yet (perhaps I should be the one to introduce it? In the first situation in which a bit of jargon might be called for, regardless of what it might mean?)

Vanilla = too bland, too straightforward. Ex Navy chap went on about things being too vanilla in a meeting recently.

Ok, I challenge you all to a game of corporate-speak bingo next week at work. 1 point for each big of jargon you spot over the week. 10 points for mentioning an acronym you've made up yourself. 100 points for introducing fuckfairy and then by stealth getting someone else to use it.

and I keep getting 'challenged' to 'do less, better' Pardon?

UKcanuck: It could be. Just a bit more smelly. I wish I had the guts to say it.

Wouldn't it be funny if we all went in to our next meeting and came out with one bizarre made-up phrase and delivered it as if it was common geek-speak?

I am just loving this. Far better Friday night entertainment than most of the shite on the telly. Lady Blablah, am particularly fond of some of the ones you've listed. I'm puzzled by the constant reference to monkeys, though... and flagpoles.

I'm sure I'll think of others in the fullness of time. I hope to add to this at a later date.

This has made my night. Thank you all.

takvar
God yes! If you aren't proactive how will you ever raise your profile and get rewarded for your forward thinking?

You're in prison Quattro. Now try to get out of that envelope .

Sadly, proactive is happily doing the rounds in middle england corporate life. I am always saying "do you mean "active"". Then relapsing into my Bryan Ferry fantasy (old gimmer emoticon).

Does this idea have any resonance?

How the fuck can an idea resonate?

And DO YOU KNOW THE WORST OF IT? It was me what said it

Lead me away now. In chains

Do people still use 'proactive'? As in 'we need to be proactive on this' = 'we need to go and do something about it'

That used to be my pet hate back in the day when I had to go to meetings.

We have a "war room". In reality a room without windows and a lock where people can leave confidential papers without the cleaners etc seeing them. And I bet they smoke in there.

I haven't ever been allowed in the War Room.

Where I work (Quango), we don't get paid, we get rewarded.

My line manager is very keen to "unpack" problems.

I have never got the one about the ducks, but I do like and use "Quick and Dirty".

Sweat lodge? Is that like hothouse?

engineering reminds me, at DH's old company which was aerospace engineering and populated with lots of ex military types an emerency meeting about a problems was 'the war room' I kid you not!

This is so funny. Very that I sometimes use these phrases - but it's contagious!

I'm also civil service and love the endless acronyms. Funnily enough, the only phrase which hasn't been turned into an acronym is the 'Business Unit Recovery Plan'. Wonder which genius thought that one up!

ooh ohh just remembered another one:
'be the change you want to see'

arrrrgh

reach out to XXXX - er, phone them?

ok, if he washes his face. or, he covers his costs.

anything including the deathless "leverage" (WTF) or "gearing" (ditto). How the boys like their engineering analogies.

I am drowning in corporate wank speak....

'Heres a build' - think build means an idea!?
'Transactional Conversation' - talking about work
'My challenge to you is' - here is a problem that I can't be bothered to deal with, you sort it out.

and most of the others mentioned here.

We also do a great line in acronyms:
BDM - Business Development Manager
BDD - Business Development Director
TC - Telephone Conference
VC - Video Conference
OGSM - I'm not even sure what this is? Objectives, Goals, Stategy and something beginning with M (monkeys?)

I am also loving the fuck up fairy and hope to introduce her to my colleagues in the near future

What about that old classic "onwards and upwards", generally used to cover up some fucking hideous mess

One of our old MDs kept talking abouthow the companies fortunes, 'we were like planes stacking up over heathrow just waiting to come in'

Years later, they're still stacking up there.

Same company had a corporate song. Used to play at at the beginning of conferences and on the monthly update video we used to get.

Wankers.

Core competencies
optimising processes
exploit strategic opportunities
constructive feedback
embrace change
foster creativity

There may be no I in TEAM, but there is a U in C*NT.

This may have been added as have not read whole thread but we had an HR woman who could only say "we just need to park this and move on" whenever anyone was unhappy about anything....which was most of the time....idiot

Eeeww @ 'let's sweat lodge the issue'