Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

I once worked under a 'descending flightpath of headcount'. This apparently meant people were being made redundant.
Also had a manager who insisted things were 'within our gift'. What? You mean we can do stuff for people? Great.

Drilling down and unpacking stuff.

We have both "deep dives" and "quick and dirty", neither are fun.

And always have to remain "outcomes focussed"

I once had a bet with DH that he had to get the phrase "let's throw some balls on the tennis court and see if they bounce" into a meeting, and apparently he did

What about "behaviours". Not behaviour, that's what one does. But "Behaviours" - ie things that one does.

Sorry about the use of "one".

I can't stand talking about someone's behaviours. How silly.

Local government bod here. My favourites are:

Good practice = A idea idea.

Best practice = A really really good idea.

We need someone to champion the concept = Even though I'm a senior manager I need somone even more senior to take rsponsibilty for this as I dont really know what I'm doing.

Joint commissioning exercise - working on a project with someone who sits two desks away from you.

Partnership working - working on a project wih someone who sits three desks away from you.

Everything is strategic. If its noy strategic its just not worth getting out of bed for in our place.

Managing client expectations = getting people to accept there is no public money to pay for social care services these days without kicking up a stink.

They give with one hand but take with another Mercedes

Lady, my company actually banned the use of the word solution because it is completely meaningless. Mind you these are the same people who use 'ideation' so hit and miss really

Onehit: my company often seems to prefer us to "do more, worse"

We don't get "rewarded" for doing a good job. We get "recognized". That's always bothered me. Shouldn't they recognize me already? They hired me; my picture's on my security pass...

I read that fucking book FoF.

I should invoice them for compensation because my paradigm failed to shift and I just couldn't gain traction

Integrated solution
Tailored Solution
Any thing which describes a solution, because it is never a solution because usually there is not a problem to solve unless some salesman creates one

But did recently have to explain RTFM. Don't know that this is corporate speak though, I use it in real life too!

The Americans have a lot to answer for turning nouns into verbs.

I have often been invited to an ideation session. With no trace of irony. And we need to 'productise' 'diarise' and possibly 'murderise' these issues challenges.

Love the fuck-up fairy..

OK, if we've introduced Myers Briggs to the corporate speak room 101, then surely the 7 Habits of Highly Successful Wankers People should be there as well.

I had an ex-boss who thought the whole team would benefit from reading it, and we all got given a copy - then had to book group it with someone summarising a chapter each week...

"we made an EBITDA profit of £ 6m"

Which means you made a profit before interest, tax, amortisation and depriciation. So that's no profit at all then?

There was an infamous retail director years ago, who, if not happy with your questioning would just reply by email:

JFDI

(just f*cking do it)
if you got one of these mails your end was nigh!

How about "this will be a great opportunity to expand your cv"

Which means - will you do the job of 2 people for no extra money, you mug

Crying with laughter here - this is a mn classic.

Not quite on the right lines......but one of my favourite 'office cartoon' things here

Tinkgirl I hate it when they make you apply for your own job! Especially when you are being interviewed by someone who you know doesn't understand what it is you actually do, and who isn't bothering to interview anyone else because he is only going through the motions because HR say it would be a breach of inequalities legislation not to. What about career advancement/development - ie, I have been doing a job very well, so why do I have to jump through all these hoops to be allowed to do it permanently? It is especially annoying because no one external ever beats the internal candidate.

Some awful phrases I've heard used in meetings (as well as many already mentioned): top-down, win-win situation, paradigm shift

I rather like 'bleeding edge' though

It's business acronyms that always get me
KPI, LAST, SLA, OOO (out of office)
And I'm always bemused by KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) the actual phrase being a refreshingly direct observation, but the acronym sadly bleeding all the joy of life out of it.

The one I do like though is
PICNIC: Problem In Chair, Not In Computer (obviously an IT helpdesk classic)

Obviously the opposite of insemination, tinkgirl (must change lines of thinking here )

My favourite recently was my boss saying "I don't want to take my foot off the pedal with this one". PMSL as his "action" was to schedule a meeting to discuss the problem in two weeks time. Wow, boss, that's just amazing leadership there.

we need to sweat the budget

dissemination

go on - look that one up!

keep these coming - I will have to complete an application form and attend an interview shortly for my own job so need to memorise some of these.

In my innocence, I thought vanilla (ex ice cream, of course) was an approach to sex . . .