Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mumsnet classics

Relive the funniest, most unforgettable threads. For a daily dose of Mumsnet’s best bits, sign up for Mumsnet's daily newsletter.

Original poster

Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

354 replies

Chil1234 · 07/01/2011 15:49

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

OP posts:
aviatrix · 08/01/2011 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ormirian · 08/01/2011 20:18

Love 'manage expectations' which is the IT equivalent of a mechanic staring under your car bonnet while sucking his teeth and shaking his head.

Ormirian · 08/01/2011 20:16

My favourite bit of potential corporate speak is 'competetive willy-waggling' which is my word for suits trying to out-importance each other in meetings. I've yet to use it Hmm

preghead · 08/01/2011 20:00

God it's all coming back to me.

Male IT Managers the worse surely.

preghead · 08/01/2011 19:59

oh and "let's greenfield it" as in lets throw it all away and start again because it was a pile of shite (work in IT)

preghead · 08/01/2011 19:56

endless drivel:

low-hanging fruit (hate this one)
think outside the box
one team, one dream
business critical
touch base
diarize

Am on mat leave so have, mercifully, blocked some of it out.

CraigRevelPan · 08/01/2011 19:16

an old maanger of mine from the 80's DID say once that we had to 'unzip the problem and get tooled up'...which is the worst example I've actually heard.

CraigRevelPan · 08/01/2011 18:37

i think it's fairly spread across the genders.

aviatrix · 08/01/2011 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CraigRevelPan · 08/01/2011 18:22

"work smarter, not harder" - erm....sounds like good advice..........oops.

TheCrackFox · 08/01/2011 18:03

"work smarter, not harder"

melikalikimaka · 08/01/2011 17:43

This ones a real one!

'I hear what you're saying, I'll take it on board, I'll go away sharpen my pencil and get back to you!'

Grin
melikalikimaka · 08/01/2011 17:39

I'm not a one trick pony, if fact I have a field full of ponies all running in your direction, willing to do anything for you!

Blackduck · 08/01/2011 16:48

I worked in IT so PICNIC was a fav as was FUBAR'ed (Fucked up beyond all repair) and 'Haven't a Scooby' (Scooby D0 = clue). Not so much corporate speak, but stupid just the same.
I love the scuba in your think tank - made me chuckle....
We have 'the daily shout' (10 min meeting in the corridor), and we too, 'manage expectations' (usually means lying about the deadlines)

Himalaya · 08/01/2011 16:37

Rindercella - what on earth is cadence - I haven't heard that before.

dementedma · 08/01/2011 16:33

CriagrevelPan - can't they just say "we can discuss this later" or better yet, "let's talk about it". One guy actually said to me "we need to have a conversation about who should be having that conversation"

Blackduck · 08/01/2011 16:27

Years ago I had a boss who used 'share' a lot as in 'I want to share this with you' Translation 'I am about to dump a shedload of work on you'

Blackduck · 08/01/2011 16:21

'Diarise' makes me want to stab myself, and, I have just realised that my subconscious response is NOT to put it in my diary!

'Bleeding edge' always makes me cringe too...

CraigRevelPan · 08/01/2011 16:20

oh I use 'conversation' regularly!! It dscribes exactly what is about to take place, surely? Alternative please?

dementedma · 08/01/2011 16:16

love this thread! like others i hate "going forward", "diarise" and "drill down". Also "conversation" as in "the strategic planning group have yet to have that conversation" or " X and y are having that conversation next week".

Takver · 08/01/2011 16:12

Boffinmum, I love your academic meeting-speak, far classier than the rest of us Grin

Zorayda, these are some of the handsignals.

I reckon some of you need the 'confused' one and the 'obscure language' one Grin

Miggsie · 08/01/2011 16:05

"Leveraging our synergies".

I once put my career back years by asking someone in senior management who was presenting what that meant. Apparently it meant he had to bore the arse off us with 100 Powerpoint slides with silly diagrams.

"Agile development of software applications".

I always think of our computer people doing cartwheels and back springs while writing code whenever anyone talks about it. Someone asked me what agile development was once and whether we felt it benefited our company, and I said "it gets written down on a lot of Powerpoint slides so I assume someone actually knows what it means, as far as I'm concerned I tell the developers what they need to do and an end date and expect them to deliver. They do, but I don't check in what positions they sit at their computers while they actually do it". This was accepted as a competent answer and explains why I am currently looking for a new job as I just can't deal with people who would swallow crap like that.

CraigRevelPan · 08/01/2011 16:03

"going forward"....there will be violence.

CraigRevelPan · 08/01/2011 16:02

I did have a call centre manager tell me he was going to "patch you through" to a colleaguei.e pass telephone call on.
He was in an office in Grimbsy. He thought he was in battle theatre in Aghanistan.
Def. in the TAs.

Miggsie · 08/01/2011 15:57

I like "lets stir fry in my strategy wok"

That's a Gus Hedges one as well.

Swipe left for the next trending thread