Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

In my old company, the Sales Director used to be full of bullshit cliches.

We used to play "cliche bingo" at the main sales conferences/updates we had to suffer go to.

One of his favourites was "punching above our weight", which I've not yet seen on this thread (admittedly only skimmed). This thread has reminded me that "granularity" was another of his favourites.

As a sales force, we had to spend more time on "corporate governance", filling in various (different) spreadsheets/databases on where we were in each the sales cycle of each of our opportunites, how much we expected to be bringing in, by month, exactly when we expected each deal to close than on actually getting out there on selling. We were then judged on how well we had forecast everything - and bollocked if we got it wrong.

All that happened was that you "hid" prospects and then only "forecast" them once you had already won them......

When I worked in the health service, they used to make a great thing about setting up "diagonal slice" meetings

By that, they meant a meeting where different levels and functions were involved, beacsue the NHS is so fragmented and hierarchical, they could only get relevant opinions if they consciously setting up working groups to do so.

Where I had worked before (ICI) we just called it a working party and were not bothered by which levels of people were involved as long as they had something appropriate to contribute.

I have to admit that I do use and like SWOT analyses. However, that is because my background is Marketing (note: that does not equal "promotion", which is only one element of marketing) and I also get pissed off at the misuse and incorrect use of SWOT analyses.

'from the get go' - what the hell does that mean anyway?

Everything everyone else has said and:

Side of the desk = doing it your own bloody time because you a) need the job and b) if you don't do it your the poor slob who suffers.

BTW I always saw 'it grows organically' as you had to pour shit on it to work

UseToWorkForABankTiggaxx

crikey. 301 reasons to be a SAHM.

Ooh ooh Binfull I've got one for you- a friend in my old co came up with "my vag is in a vice" as the lady equivalent to "my cocks on the block".

In another company our Sales Director used to stand up at the start of every single meeting for the agenda item 'Sales Director address' and state that "I haven't prepared anything so I'm just going to shoot from the hip" complete with finger shooting actions. Every single meeting. Twat.

just going off your own evidence, aviatrix.

For the best take on corporate life, take a look at 'Dilbert' by Scott Adams. The most accurate account of the office for anyone who has worked in a big corporation. Its brilliant.

It made sense of my many years spent in a cubicle working for a US company. And I think I came out fairly sane!

Googoomama, am PMSL.

I used to work in car dealerships. The sales team in BMW were forever asking, "What'e the scenario?" and "What's the SP?".

Has anyone mentioned '360 degree feedback'.....grrrrr. That and 'label and link' and 'on average over time' are my most hated. There are so many more that I could mention, if only I could remember them. I'm another one who worked for an American company...never again.

Gosh crystal I work in a female orientated environment, so I need an equivalent:

Get your flaps on the tracks?

Suggestions please?

Put your cock on the block

lets take a raincheck

I could never work out whether that meant 'leave it for a while' or 'give our top priority'. I used to sit in meetings pondering but not daring to say anything because ecveryone else seemed to know what it was. Took me years to work it out1

Ooh, ooh, Preghead, you're right. That person was an IT manager.

Wankiest thing I ever heard anyone say was "Let me throw you a concept grenade here..."

The same person also later described a possible design decision as "creating a rod/back interface situation for us".

Yeah I think vanilla in corporate speak has the same meaning: the basic misionary position model (of softwear, consulting, analysis, product etc..) no sprinkles, no hot sauce, no cookie dough.

I wonder if both terms came independently or if there was a transition from the icecream meaning, through the S&M world to the boardroom. I wonder if anyone traces how these words spread.

When I worked, I hated being called "guys" especially when it was teamed with 2 claps of the hands by my dick of a boss who had wandered into the office.

He also used to say, "make hay..." and expect us all to finish his sentence.

What an asshole.

I was very interested in seeing the term "vanilla" used in corporate speak.

I used to do quite a lot of bondage sex and all sorts of stuff that now I have small children I don't have the time or inclination to do. So from about ten years ago on the bondage/domination/submission/masochists or bdsm scene (even perverts have corporate speak) vanilla was used as a derisive word for a sex act that was a bit boring or ordinary.

So next time a boss uses the term maybe it will be helpful to imagine them tied up in leather because thats all I can think of when I hear it and I thought I should share the joke.

Jujubean, i could tell you all about where the term vanilla comes from, however it is a bit rude and I am not sure how to namechange yet. When I find out the namechange stuff will "touch base" he,he.

"Bend over and take a haircut" = oh dear, we need to lower our prices

At my place there seems to be a consensus that the words "me" and "you" are too direct and rude to be used.

This results in phrases such as:

"I'll await advice from yourself"

"We need to meet with yourself to discuss this"

"Please read the paper prepared by myself"

WFT?

looks like your experience is limited then.

"Just wanted to touch base...."
Being that I was 8 months pregnant by him and standing in our hallway nor was I colleage I wasn't to impressed.
I'm taking notes from this thread and plan to spout a few back to at the most random of times see if he notices.