Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

My place is rife with this nonsense. I've been there so long that I'd actually forgotten that this is not a normal way to talk

Some favourites:
Warming up as in "lets warm him up before the meeting" (maybe with a nice little cuddle?)
Sending out documents is so passé - "socialise" them instead (conjures up image of documents in full ball gowns attending debutantes ball)
Paradigm shifts.
Solutions come in 2 flavours strategic or tactical
Vanilla - generic, as in no flavour...but vanilla is a flavour!! grr.
Piece - "action me to own this piece"
Space - "I'm working in an ideas space"
Reach out - talk to
Location agnostic (I'm not sure if I believe in locations?? )
Runway - project plan

We have KPIs - key performance indicators

Why don't they just say targets?

You have all reminde me how much I hate office politics and corporate wankery. Must buy a lottery ticket this week.

Right, I am going to make a list of all of the "best" ones in preparation for our "cross business unit pollination" and we can play bullshit bingo at the meeting

we have - and apologies if these have been mentioned before

silo thinking
operational excellence
strategic pillars
corporate levers
visions and values
ramp ups
go lives
people being on and off message
engaged and positive people (or not!)

plus lots of KPTS (key performance targets) and MI (management information)...its all about the MI apparently.

Job Ad in one of the big newspapers;

'A Coordinator For The Consumption Of Fruit And Vegetables'

Wankspeak for greengrocer if you ask me

Some of these are just americanisms, and some are truely wanky I agree, but some do have a distinct meaning. Like 'price point' and 'stakeholder' - stakeholder is different from end-user (of a product or audit report) - it means something like 'people who matter and/or are interested' - people who could derail a project, experts to be consulted, people who boycott your company, people who breathe your pollution, not just shareholders etc...

( wondering if I've outed myself as a complete wanker by defending corporate wankery...)

My old boss used to talk to me in these terms - I was her nanny

As an accountant who has worked in audit and finance I have had to deal with senior management who use a fair bit of management jargon. The more someone uses these stupid phrases the less I think of them.

My personal number one enemy is 'stakeholder'. Why not just say end user? It also makes no sense to me in that to me a stakeholder is someone who holds the stakes for betting parties and delivers the stakes to the winner.

Not so much corp wankspeak but has anyone noticed how they've all started calling each other "buddy" of late? Even when they hate each other.

Wankspeak is a great one to introduce

Ugh, some of these are tooth-achingly familiar, mainly "going forwards" .

Also cannot stand being asked to "progress" something - just sounds so worong being used that way. Or being "tasked" with something.

V pleased to have learned some new horrors, iintend to introduce "granularity" to the workplace like a virus before going on mat leave .

Has anyone had 'create a straw man' yet.

That one used to drive me mental.

Along with the morning rumble which was a short meeting of completely inane shit and gossip for everyone to watch the body language of any staff known to be shagging each other

Teachers are the worst for clap-trap.

My sister (a teacher) described my 11 year old dd's language as 'inappropriate' today and said she was 'pushing the boundaries'.

My dd had told me to 'piss off', and then karate-chopped her brother in the throat.

Also heard a friend say that her senior manager kept going on about 'eating our own dogfood' - meaning using their own products. He was french, maybe that made some kind of sense in france. Didn't make any sense to my friend or her colleagues!

Was made redundant 18 months ago from my job of 15 years in the finance market and have heard many crap sayings in my time, here are a couple that I don't think have been mentioned before:

We are going to KISS this - Keep It Simple Stupid.

and

Why have a dog and bark yourself - meaning managers passing their crappy jobs that they don't want to do onto the office pond scum (at the time I was in the category of pond scum!).

Reading this thread makes me not want to walk through an office door ever again!

In our reports, our conclusions have to be labelled as opportunities and challenges rather than positives and negatives.

We have 'comfort breaks' (break for going to the bog!)

And all hands - which means the whole team (What is wrong with 'all team'?)

We have the low hanging fruit - means the things that can be shaken out easily (that's people!)

We don't like to throw the baby out with the bathwater

shake the tree more
we are a leading solutions provider...W.T.F

"let's discuss the technical underpinnings of this issue". W.T.F ?

'all hands' meetings.

in my last company we had a 'pulse champion' someone who's role it was to go out amoungst the masses and take the pulse of the workers to report back to management.

Low hanging fruit... I think it means ideas that are 'ripe for the picking' ready to be used?

Oh I've only got time to skim...

Have we had 'functionality' 'litmus test' or 'audit trail' yet?

What's low hanging fruit?

That expression conjuors up awful images in my mind. Bunch of grapes anyone?

Prettybird... you are damn right!... granularity. A corker. Makes my skin crawl.