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Original poster

Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

354 replies

Chil1234 · 07/01/2011 15:49

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

OP posts:
cestlavie · 07/01/2011 16:16

"Stretching the monkey", how funny...!

Sure that wasn't an analogy for something else!

Ewe · 07/01/2011 16:16

"Can we take this offline?"

What the rest of us would call having a conversation in person/via phone. Why not just sodding do it, don't email me to ask if you can. I sit opposite you!

Grr

FreeButtonBee · 07/01/2011 16:15

I've recently had "this will raise your profile" i.e. you can do all the donkey work in the vain hope that someone above notices and gives you a pat on the back.

domeafavour · 07/01/2011 16:15

granularity is my favourite at the moment.

TheSmallClanger · 07/01/2011 16:14

Deliverables. Sadly not from Ocado.

"Leadership" and "leader" are over-used as well. I prefer managers. At least you know where you stand with them.

queribus · 07/01/2011 16:13

Stretching the monkey

Stakeholders

Facilitate

Low hanging fruit

God, I hate my job!!

Deliaskis · 07/01/2011 16:13

One at our place at the moment is 'deep dive', as in 'can we have top-line info for Friday and then a and b can do a deeper dive next week'.

Yeuch!

D

5inthebed · 07/01/2011 16:13

"grey area" means I have no idea, was used quite a lot in the bank I worked in a few years ago.

MardyBra · 07/01/2011 16:12

I'm going to buck the trend and start thinking inside the box

MardyBra · 07/01/2011 16:11

One I heard and actually quite liked:

"You can lead a horse to water but if it doesn't drink it dies"

B52s · 07/01/2011 16:11

we have 'low hanging fruit'. Hmm

ANTagony · 07/01/2011 16:10

"Perception is reality"

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 07/01/2011 16:10

Volunteer-led = free.

missmehalia · 07/01/2011 16:09

Oh, yes!! Ducks in a row!

missmehalia · 07/01/2011 16:09

Grin Ormirian, brilliant.

cestlavie · 07/01/2011 16:09

Would be good to speak to them to "check their temperature"
It's "in the ballpark"
Why don't we "run it up the flagpole and see who salutes"
Let's make sure "we're all singing from the same hymn sheet"
Need to check "we've got our ducks lined up first"

Seriously, WTF, "ducks lined up"? People use it all the time I haven't got a clue what the analogy means. What happen's if your ducks aren't lined up? Like maybe a stray mallard wobbles off the end. Does that just make you look hopelessly chaotic, cos actually the epitome of organisation is neatly ordered fowl?

missmehalia · 07/01/2011 16:08

Rolling it out

Ormirian · 07/01/2011 16:08

I hate 'take ownership' too.

I also dislike 'hit the ground running' as it carries an implication of fit hunky men doing out-doorsy things, not flabby be-suited executives sitting on their backsides talking.

missmehalia · 07/01/2011 16:07

Customer focused.

Ooopsadaisy · 07/01/2011 16:07

"Are we all attuned to the target-based thinking arena?"

What a wanker.

I left shortly after she launched that little verbal lovely.

badcoverversion · 07/01/2011 16:07
missmehalia · 07/01/2011 16:07

Oh yes, taking things forward. Pushing the envelope. Get the potato on the fork. Everything is a 'journey'. Ugh.

Have you got a window in your diary? (Always wanted to reply, 'if I did, I'd climb through it and never come back!')

Did anyone else watch Drop the Dead Donkey when it was on years ago? Gus Hedges was just fantastic for corporate speak.

'Put this in your think tank and see if it blows bubbles' was a particular favourite of mine.

madonnawhore · 07/01/2011 16:06

Old boss to me: "Can you gain an understanding of the situation and then verbalise it to the client?"

Translation: Can find out and tell them?

TeeBee · 07/01/2011 16:06

Organic growth...operational excellence...explore strategic opportunities. Oh do fuck off!!

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 07/01/2011 16:03

Going forwards...

Next time I'm in a meeting I might preface going through minutes of the last one with "Going backwards" and see if anyone flickers.

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