Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

Oh yes join we had the "brand spirit" specialists come in too! Money and oxygen stealing f*ckjockeys in my corporate speak.

Just sent a note to someone about diarising something earlier today I luurve all the lingo, it's part of the act of masquerading as a specialist in something or other innit...

I must make a note to use granular more often, going forward. We use most of these on a daily basis in my line, never heard of the monkey thing though. And as for the fuck up fairy? You've started a new line their Poncey

I can't imagine ever working for a company like this

I just don't get it.

My DSis place is awful for that

Team work makes the Dream work

We are "going live" on Monday

If you are ill "self medicate" and come in.
What is wrong with take a lemsip and come in or take a paracetamol and come in ooor dont bother coming in while you're ill petal.

I loved Drop the Dead Donkey missmehalia

My old boss was a classic for wanky corporate speak, although her excuses for why she couldn't come in to work were better

analysis, even

OMG, transactional analaysis! Don't get me started

'Cascading information down'

Boss: 'Could you just do my dirty work for me AGAIN cascade this information down the chain for me, please, NewYear?

Open door policies. If I was a boss I'd put a bolt on my door and a big sign saying 'No open door policy here. Fuck off if it's not important.'

Mrs schadenfreude you are sounding like a true ENTP ( rational get things going!)

"Cross-business unit pollination" - someone from another department was coming in to have a chat with us.

Bluesatinsash - had to laugh at your rearranging the deck chairs one, when my friend was being made redundant by the CEO of our last firm (I was next on the list ) she also said it was nothing personal just a business case for rearranging the deck chairs.

He retorted "where? On the sun deck of the f*cking Titanic!"

Oh and let's not forget that warm cost one during redundancy "getting rid of the deadwood" nice.........

Oh god yes, we love Myers Briggs.

"I can't do it the way you want it because I'm a P not a J."

"You need to be more T and less F."

Singing from the same song sheet.

On a sticky wicket here.

But I really, really hate "crunchy and granular" and want to poke my boss's eyes in when he uses those words.

Bump - so with lessons learnt, is that like when the fuck up fairy visits and the good fairy comes and makes it all better?

Managing my expectations - usually means you are about to piss me off
Back of a fag packet estimation - usually mean my staff have done feck all analysis and made it up
Give it the belt and braces - putting a nice colourful border round an excel spreadsheet

Anything to do with Myers Briggs, oh you are acting like such a "behind the scenes guardian" or other associated wanky sayings.

I enjoy using the Arnie quote from the Simpsons movie - " I was elected to lead, not to read!"

Pet hate of mine is, and our Departmental boss uses it all the time ...

Can you link in with so and so on that?

What's wrong with 'Can you go and talk to so and so?'???

I work for NHS and one of the training courses is "transactional analysis" or how to get with folk and not kill your co-workers.

HR is riddled with wank wank speak as we call it. Lots of phrases that are trundled out so as not to offend..

"My understanding of the issue..." - you are totally wrong fuckwit.

*I am challenged" - I'm puce with rage

*let's get this bottomed out" - can we finally put this to bed. Help I've explained it with another wanky phrase

"rearranging the deckchairs" - thinking or a new PLAN!

"take this outwith the meeting" - I will kill you later

"We need our flap jackets and gerry helmets" - its going to be a difficult meeting

"stakeholders" - err the taxpayer generally

"critical" - everyhting that is urgent is described thus

having a 'heads up' - grrr hate it!

Oh god "facilitate" - i got an email last night asking me to 'reach out and facilitate completion'. The fact that i have been working my ass off for the past 4 months on this poxy deal that has ultimately cratered and we now have to exit wuth our tail between our legs seems to have passed the fucker by...

It's all to play for

We're all on the same page

What's on my wheel this week

Let's hot house this

Pass the monkey

I'm so glad I don't have a high flying corporate job! The worst I get from my boss is 'don't forget, a pie is for Christmas, not for life!' all this jargon would go right over my head! I barely have the mental capacity to think 'inside' the box!

My ex-manager used to make me giggle first time i started at where i used to work last june, when explaining something she would say
for example: Im Sorry 'Mr Customer' we dont have that product in stock etc etc.

it used to make me giggle but if i ever get a job where i am trraining someone i will use her wise wording.

"Multiplicative Collaboration"

(working together....)

We spend an awful lot of time talking about 'lessons learnt', like it doesn't really matter if we do a shit job because we are going to have a lessons learnt workshop.

love this thread. at two successive companies I worked for, I had to live through the hell that was "defining" and then having to "live" the company "values" - which were always but always five single words such as "honest" or "driven" or pioneering" or "ambitious" or "ripped off by expensive branding consultancy wankers" oh no that last one isn't just one word is it.

A pack of Powerpoint presentation slides is now known as a 'a deck' ..... apparently.