Teachers. Admit it. This is a perk of the job isn't it?

Sephrenia, I like your story! Being paid in cigarettes if you KNOW your teenager smokes, well, I've heard of worse parenting failures tbh!!!

When I was doing a school exam one of the questions in biology paper was to draw the male reproductive organs. I drew it erect and I couldn't understand why invigilators were laughing and walking up and down past my desk. I think I had everything correctly wired up and correctly labelled though.

sephrenia PLEASE don't feel you have to get it removed....
I don't really see why you should censor your experience, if you wanted to share it.

I guess I did. I'll get that post removed.

'my mummy says she wants to be in prison.'
me - 'oh, erm, OK. Gosh (etc etc)
'she says even murderers in prison get to eat their breakfast in peace.'
god how I empathised with that woman.

Your mother paid you in cigarettes?

I think you may have misunderstood this thread - everyone else's parents hadn't actually done anything wrong....

When I was in year 10, I used to babysit my two brothers for my mum so she could work overtime and as payment, got 10 cigarettes a week. This worked fairly well and I babysat for months.

One day however, it went wrong. Mum had bought the cigarettes for me as usual and had sat on the sofa in the living room behind me and started peeling vegetables for tea.

At this point she decided to snatch the cigarettes from me for a laugh while taking a break from peeling. I was trying to snatch them back and she was trying to stop me and we were both giggling madly. We both forgot that she still had the vegetable knife in her hand though and as I reached for the cigarettes, she tried to push my hand away....with the hand she was holding the knife in.

Mum went white, I howled and I swear I've never seen her move that fast either before or since. Needless to say, she hit the first aid kit at light speed and soon enough, I had a rather oversized plaster on my arm for what was, in reality, only a small cut. I didn't mind though because I got loads of ice-cream that night as an apology.

Next day I was at school and it was P.E and inevitably, the teacher saw the plaster and asked what happened to get it.

Without thinking I replied, "I tried to get the cigs off mum and she stabbed me."

As the teacher turned purple I realised what I'd said and tried to explain but it was a little late by then and social services were called. It was all straightened out in the end but I've never let her live it down and still win arguments by saying, "you may have done that but you stabbed me so I win"

Needless to say, I never babysat for my brothers again

Fortunately in a letter to her ex-nanny not schoolwork, but when we got our current dog she wrote about him, explaining that this one hadn't been 'newted', unlike the dog the nanny had known. Complete with diagrams, of course.

My nephew told his nursery that the red mark on his leg was where his nan (my mother) had slapped him.

She really, really hadn't. My brother and SIL had no idea why he said it.

There was the parent's evening where DS's teacher said 'He's told me about the times you have 'sofa days' where you snuggle up under a duvet and watch films all day, how lovely' but her eyes were saying 'that's when you have a hangover, isn't it?'

Oh and the time DD answered the door to the postman one Saturday morning and announced 'Mummy was sick because she had too much wine'. Never could look him in the face after that.

I was still am a bit of an annoying know-it-all as a child. I remember us having our first sex-ed type class aged about 8 or 9. The girls had been separated from the boys and our teacher asked us if anyone knew what a period was. Queue me sticking my hand in the air and matter of factly informing my class mates that a "period" is what American children call their school lessons

You can't fault me for being wrong but hell I still cringe at the thought 20 years later

Years ago when DH was about 10 his mum & dad took him out of school for a few weeks to go on a family holiday travelling around Europe. Part of the deal was that he and his brother had to write a holiday diary.

DH hated writing anything at all it was filled with very short sentances....until half way through the diary he went into graphic detail about the nudist beach they had seen and all the topless women who were playing volley ball and sunbathing. He even accompanied it with a very detailed drawing of a topless sunbather, the detail in the breasts was quite impressive. Bet that kept the teaching giggling for a while

My DS told the Ed Psych that he attended lots of adult parties, and that he made movies but they were too violent to show anyone!

But after he locked himself in the toilets for an hour and yelled 'don't hit me' at the SENCO who was trying to get him out I was sure they were going to report me to SS....

This is nothing to do with parents, but a few years ago, one of my Year 9s wrote about the (imagined) day that Jamie Oliver visited the school to promote healthy eating. She was a bright, conscientious girl and the piece was really good, but her pen kept failing her; some parts of letters were missing. This wasn't especially funny, but I almost wet myself laughing when she wrote about how Jamie had encouraged everyone by shouting, "Hey guys! Let's get cocking!"

I had a 6 year old pupil once who wrote smoe interview questions for the local curate from her church. Unfortunately her adwriting was a bit dodgy, and she'd written, "when did you first start being a cunt?" and "have you always wanted to be a cunt?"

Some of my Y3 pupils used to pay me compliments about my appearance. I was less impressed by:

"Have you got a cold, Miss AngelDog? Your nose is all red."

"You look like you've just got out of bed, Miss."

I've just remembered how I got my own parents into trouble. We moved to Wales when I was 6 and I was struggling to learn Welsh and English at the same time and mixing the words a lot, plus I had an Eastern European accent which was hard to understand. I cut my finger quite badly one morning on the butter lid (how?). I struggled to explain at school how I'd trapped my finger and told the staff 'Menyn bit me' (menyn-welsh for butter). They heard 'mummy bit me'...

OH so many!

• a personal favourite, circle time (yr 1):

-The day (same class ) they brought in battery operated toys for a project (I was a young and naive new teacher)
Was funny though handing it back at home time!

-Show (same class in yr 2, god they were mad) 'This is a scan of a baby. My sister is having a baby. Do you remember you taught her last year (actually 2 years before) in year 6 Miss?'

-Recently (I'm the child protection officer) a child was sent to me. He said his step-dad was beating his mum and assured his teacher he'd heard it happen a few times, she was even lying on the floor once. After some questioning it dawned on me what they were really up to!

One of my Brownies has a very sexy mum and hunky dad, dad works away several days a week. Brownie loves to tell us about the joyful reunion of mum and dad at weekends - "and when I went in the bedroom, Dad was wearing mum's pink frilly pants on his bum!" was one classic.

Nothing bad here to the best of my knowledge so far!

Though my story books tell a tale! I had many stories about my mum being late and making up lies to tell my dad. They were true (still are!). My mum fostered cats and I wrote about one kitten "She gave him away just to make me cry, I'll hate her forever". My mum was heartbroken. It wasn't true (I was a bit miffed) but I knew if I got the teachers waterworks going I'd get a better mark!

My mum was handed a piece of work I did on parents evening once. It read "If I was a millionaire I'd buy..." and we had to choose things for all our family. My brothers were going to get planes and flash cars, my mum was going to get a chef. But I wrote that my Dad really wanted a stripper. (wallpaper, clearly!)

One little boy in Reception came to school with Mum's pink vibrator in his bookbag.
Another girl came to school with a roll of £50 notes she'd taken from Daddy's side of the bed.

And once I was teaching a yr2 class about 3D shape. I asked them who could describe a pyramid to me?
One little girl's hand shot up. She's not normally the type to answer my questions without a lot of prompting, so I let her answer...
"I know what one of them is! My mummy has a pyramid every month!"

Oh I've just thought of a corker.

My BIL has always had an interest in aeroplanes, particularly the Spitfires and Messershmitts that were used in WW2. He had many books and DVDs on the subject, which my little nephews loved as well. When it was Father's Day my nephew had to make his Dad a card at school. The teahcer was a bit perturbed when he decorated it all over with lovingly drawn swastikas.

My SIL had to explain to the teacher that her DH wasn't Nick Griffin - just a German bomber anorak.

My parents got an initial assessment visit after my sister told the school (pre Harry Potter) that she was made to sleep in the cupboard.

"The cupboard" as it became known is a small double bedroom complete with fitted wardrobe and window!

She had decided it was a "cupboard" because it was much smaller than the rooms my brother and I had.

But hey, it's shit being the youngest!

When I was helping out in dd's class they had the fire fighter come in to do a fire safety talk. The undertaker's little boy announced that his daddy has a fire fighter's outfit that he wears on Saturday nights in bed to make his mummy feel safe
My dd brought home the Christmas card she had made at school again addressed only to me (I bet school think I'm a single parent) As an afterthought I suspect, she had an attempt at a humorous one for her daddy. On the front it said "Daddy this Christmas will be the one in your dreams, laying on the sofa...." Inside she wrote "Get up you lazy bogger!"

My dd (about 3 at the time) had an insect bite from eating a picnic at nursery outside on the grass.

She wouldn't stop picking it and it got really sore over the course of a week, much cream was added but it still looked a big red angry patch.

Nursery asked to speak to me because dd told them that it was where I'd poured a kettle of boiling water over her

Luckily have known nursery for a long time so it was fine but I just couldn't believe she'd said that!!

One of my charges wrote one which had us crying..

'my mummy has dangly tits and she washes them out in the sink at weekend.'

Tights, I think too.