Teachers. Admit it. This is a perk of the job isn't it?

These stories are just brilliant - my sides ache from laughing so much. Thanks everyone and keep them coming x

I still laugh when I think of my rather straight-laced friend who, in an RE lesson aged about 15, answered the question of "and what did Mohammed do on the hill at sunset?" - instead of Mohammed meditated on the hill, by saying; "Mohammed masturbated on the hill"

Absolutely classic, the rest of the class fell about in tears of laughter while my friend and the teacher tried to pretend she'd given the correct answer and continued on as normal!! :o

Mum was mortified to go to her first parents' evening when I was five and be greeted with a picture I had drawn showing Dad and my uncle doing wee wees out of trees onto their sister...Dad (for some reason best known to himself) had told me this story about Bad Things He Did When He Was Little. I was greatly impressed and decided to immortalise it in Art.

I had a little boy tell me how his dad wore mum's underwear and ran around the house... Wasn't quite sure what he meant, but both me and assistant tried to show any surprise... (until we went to th staff room)

Was also told that "my mum and dad do the sexy a lot"by a 7 year old and when another one went "ewwww" in disgust he turned to her and said: "Your parents did the sexy too, you know. Twice, for you and your brother!"

The best was however, when I worked in reception... with 4 and 5 year olds. I asked for daddy's name and the little girl insisted her dad's name was "Dad". Then someone else said: "Yes, but what does your mummy call him, that's his real name." To which she answered: "Cuddles" Very cute.

And... showing a picture of some reindeer and asking the kids what they were, one of the little ones brightly said: F**ing deer! Again I avoided my assistant's eyes and the class didn't bat an eyelid. That afternoon at pick up time I told the mum in question who proceeded to get v angry with her husband, for swearing in the car when driving through the park!

Hoping my kids will keep teachers entertained with less offensive incidents...

i'd like to think so.. nowt to so with my mother having a hangover the previous week! love this thread!!

lol. practical tho, more use than a prayer tbh!

in primary three at catholic school i was asked to give examples of what you would do when someone was sick(ill- the answer they wanted was to pray for them, help around the house etc.) my answer was "get a basin"

I still have a piece of work I did when I was a bout 6. My dad was ill and in hospital and was in a 2 bed room on a male ward. I drew a lovely picture with the sentence "went to see daddy today, he's in bed with another man"....

I'm so glad to know they're still doing this stuff at 15 :o

dontlet - I know im still laughing about it now!!!.

Seraphina's mum can't have been all that bad... They were having fresh veg for tea after all! We had potato waffles mostly iirc!

"no DS2 of course vie not told anyone. Well, no one except a thousand or so random people on the Internet..."

Oh god.. 'paedometer'.... I'm cryng!

Oh im loving these.....we had another 'funny' last night .....ds2 has got a new ipod,raving about its applications he announces its got a 'paedometer' and he has been checking it all day so he doesnt believe there are a lot of paedophiles where we live .....anyway I look at it out of curiousity and its a bloomin'pedometer .....ds2 is 15 and v embarrased about this - so dont tell anyone ...

My mum was doing circle time with a class at her school discussing that the children had been doing at the weekend. It was all going well til some little boy told her hr had been robbing with his dad and they had got a lawn mower from the vicar's shed

brilliant thread!

i work in a school for teenage boys with EBD.

one lad was making a card for his mum. he said "miss..how do you spell violence?" i, a bit concerned, asked why he wanted to write violence in a card for his mum..."roses are red, violence are blue..."

another time, we were discussing water cycles and condensation.... he knew what condensation was..its what you get when you fall over and sue the council!!!

to a teacher "fuck off you paedophile" teacher says "do you know what a paedophile is?" kid says "yeah, its a dinosaur!"

my fave was just last week..we were saying we would be having a sing song of some carols... kid pipes up..."oh! i LOVE that one (and sings loudly) 'on the first day of christmas, my mother gave to meeeeee!'"

I teach primary 4 and we were writing descriptions of Santa's workshop last week.

One piece spoke about the 'noisy machines making toys', 'the elves singing', 'the sparkling Christmas lights and Santa and Mrs Claus making love'!!

(the next line said 'Christmas trees' so I'm hoping the boy meant 'Santa and Mrs Claus making LOVELY Christmas trees'!)

At one place I worked the ordering system was outsourced to Swindon and I thought it was Sweden for about a month.

Have I mentioned how much I love GetOrf recently?

I think the Sweden/Swindon confusion is fantastic

And "I am a teacher and once I put the word symmetry on the board and asked the children if anyone knew what it meant (year 1). One little girl called Kimberley put up her hand. Is it where you take flowers to dead people miss?"

For some reason the thing that makes me laugh about that is the name Kimberley

The Christmas story now features baby cheeses Ali, no crisps for a bed, being watched over by Asians ...

There's a pleasantly multicultural theme emerging here, I feel ...

When my OH was baptised our eldest got it into her head that Daddy was going to be drowned. Not sure where that came from as she'd never seen a baptism before. She was also asking if Grandpa (my grandad) was going to be drowned as well (he was helping at the service).

Mum took her to school the next day and we decided it was best she explained to the teachers what had happened before she upset anyone.

Mum: I need to tell you something before Eldest says anything.
Eldest: Daddy drowned on Sunday
Teacher's hand flew to her mouth, she gasped and turned white.
Mum: No, no, it's OK, he hasn't drowned! He was baptised on Sunday and Eldest has been calling it drowning.
She then had to comfort the poor teacher who was in shock!

DD1 is in nursery, and has been practising her carol singing all weekend. So apparently Ali's in a manger with no crisps for a bed.

These are fantastic! The dad sitting on the armchair picking his teeth had me in hysterics!

I used to cringe when I went to pick DD up from nursery when she was 2 or 3 as the nursery nurses were always eager to tell me what she had been saying that day. Highlights include how mummy drinks too much wine, daddy likes beers and pizza, daddy kicked her( ) and she also told Santa Claus that mummy hits her round the head! It's a wonder I've not been paid a visit by social services...

I also remember writing an essay for Higher English when I was about 16 and describing how I'd went to watch Jools Holland in concert, and how mighty impressed I'd been when each of the band members stepped to the front of the stage to display their enormous talent. My English teacher found it very amusing but made me change it

My big brother, aged 4 or 5, wrote in his news book, 'My granny died last night'. On the opposite page there was a picture of her sitting up in bed with a big smile on her face