Teachers. Admit it. This is a perk of the job isn't it?

Probably not that funny but was to my mum. When i was 7 or 8 i came home from school and asked "mum am I a protestant or a priest"

Doesnt seem that funny but this was Northern Ireland around the time of the good friday agreement and I lived in a very protestant area.... I had been to Sunday school since I was 3 but never knew what a priest was or religion I was. Not good in NI during that time lol

I know of one little girl who wrote that she went to nofuck for her holiday.

Mind you, its his fault, he keeps telling her stuff without realising she'll repeat it. He is a software engineer/r&d person, but as he works near a bridge, DD believes his explanation that his job is to save drowning children from the river. She even explained it to the visiting district nurse, at length.

My DH is Greek, and last year he went home to help his poorly Mum while DD and I stayed here. She told all her teachers that Greece is having some problems, because they don't have enough money, but that it would be okay because her Daddy had gone to sort it all out. She is in reception. DH was a bit startled when he went to pick her up and her grinning teacher started quizzing him on the state of the Euro.

Teacher: 'Children, what do apples make?

Me, aged 5: 'Cider'

I know this is old but I've been crying with laughter, and have a few to add.

When I was about 6 I heard a poem I thought was hysterical. It went something like:

As I was looking up at the sky
A bird came along and pooped in my eye.
And wiping it so I'd not cry
I thought 'isn't it lucky that cows can't fly.'

I told it to everyone! Problem was I'd completely misremembered the end of the second line and said 'a bird came along and made love in my eye.' it proved a very popular poem and I remember my mum and ban asking me to repeat it endlessly. I was chuffed to bits that they thought it Si hilarious, they'd literally be crying with laughter. I thought it must be the way I said it.

Can't tell you how I felt when DECADES later it dawned on me what I had been saying!

Another time, aged about 7, I held court in my class over the subject of Santa. I swore blind that I had actual video footage of him parking his sleigh on my roof, coming down the chimney, leaving presents, eating mince pies then disappearing in a puff of sparkles. One snotty pupil told me it must have been my dad but I got quite angry at him as I'd just explained about the reindeer on my roof AND the sparkles, then got annoyed as I could see my teacher laughing at me out of the corner if my eyes.

I must bump this as I am CRYING!

My mum was a teacher and took her class to the ballet one day. They were asked to write about it the next day and one girl wrote "the man dancer has a lump in his tights so the girl dancer can stand on it to get on his shoulders"

She also stood up and told the class one day "right, you can all fart your stractions". She came home and told us, finishing with "and you know, not one of the buggers laughed!" Not surprised really, she is quite formidable!

In my (very normal) village primary I happened to be in a class with a girl from a very well connected family (at least until she was whisked off to boarding school at about 7).

It was the year of the royal wedding and the teacher was asking us individually who our favourite member of the royal family was.

We all predictably said Lady Diana, but when it got to this girl, she replied thoughtfully "Well I haven't spent any time with Lady Diana but Princess Anne and the Queenmother are very nice."

She thought we were all choosing our favourite from personal experience like her. I've often wondered what was going through the teacher's head at the time.

These were better in the kids' original writing, but better typed out than not at all:

History
In wartime children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.

Maths
The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls santa on his slay.

History
Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them as ostriges until the war is over. Some prisners end up in consterpation camps.

Religious studies
A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that its roof is doomed.

Religious studies
I asked my mum why we said old men at the end of prayers at skool, I don?t know any old men apart from grandpa.

Holidays
On our activity holiday Dad wanted to ride the hores, but my mum said they were too ekspensiv.

Maths
I would like to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about moths.

Geography
The closet town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train or you can go on a fairy.

Maths
If it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel.

The Arts
?and at the end of the show we all sing away in a manager

The Arts
In last year?s Christmas concert, Linzi played the main prat. I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat this year.

Science
Helicopters are cleverer than planes. Not only can they fly through the air they can also hoover.

History
Then Joan of Ark met her end. She was burned as a steak.

Science
Crabs and creatures like them all belong to a family of crushed asians.

Geography
In geography we learned that countries with sea round them are islands and ones without sea are incontinents.

Religious studies
If you marry two people you are a pigamist, but morons are allowed to do this.

History
Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper.

Geography
In Scandinavia, the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.

My niece put in her news book that her Mummy and Daddy shag a lot. The teacher wrote 'snog?' helpfully in red pen. But my sister said she probably meant 'shout'.

My DS was aged five and told me a boy at school had said the F word.

This story took ages to tell, and ended up with the punchline that ''Jack had said the word Phooey''.

I burst out laughing with relief, and my DS said : ''I know mummy, for a moment I thought he was going to say FUCK!''

had an 8 year old who wrote tha in she lived in the county of 'Sofuck'

A few years ago, youngest ds, who was about 7 at the time, was in the school football team, one winter Saturday morning all parents and boys gathered and took shelter in the changing room, one of the boys dad managed the team and wandered off to find out when the match would kick-off while we all sat there waiting and chatting.

A little sister had come along and was dancing about, managers ds decided to announce at this point that his dad danced for his mum all the time..ahh that's nice we said...'yes, he puts mummy's underwear on and dances around the bedroom for her'

All said in front of a collection of about 14 mums and dads and the rest of his football team!!

When I was 6 I told my teacher all about my grandad the pirate - not my fault, that's what he and my dm told me, he thought it was more interesting than naval officer!

ha well done Toria', glad it wasn't just me!

Not the same person then! This would have been a few years later and a different area.

Our careers teacher was telling us to know what we're talking about when going for an interview as obviously that's not something you'd want to say to an interviewer!

Mimi, when DD was about 3 she stood in a queue in Boots, holding people back on either side, saying (over and over) "Careful...Daddy willy sore" (same reason)

a teacher friend of mine became concerned when a little girl in her class was obviously very tired because she says "Daddy has been coming into my bed and sleeping with me"
When gently questioned as to why Daddy sometimes slept in her bed she replied "because mummy farts a lot and it smells horrible!"

OMG I didn't see your post lol! It was 1991 and in Grimsby.... how absolutely weird is that!!!!

westlake, how old are you and where are you from? Would be funny if it's the same story!

oh and my own lovely DS only last week!

I was picking him up from nursery, he saw me then shouted, in front of his teacher...

"Hello Mummy, don't smack me Mummy, You Smack me ALL the day."

for the record - I never smack although my DH sometimes does (slight bone of contention)

My Reception class a few years back...

"Annie's Daddy had a sleep over at my house last night"

"My Mummy isn't Daddy's friend anymore - he has to sleep at Nannys house because Mummy saw him kissing Billy's Mummy"

This was the SAME Dad! and they are still on/off now - about 5 years later! I really don't know why some people do it to themselves!

Another time a Year Two child asked me,
"How to you spell PONCE?"

I was thinking all sorts when I asked her "What is the rest of your sentence?"

"Once, ponce a time"

At a family gathering, DD aged three announced to DH's sister and three brothers, "The difference between mommy and daddy is that daddy has a pencil on his front."

DH gibbered a bit. Although I would never tell it to his siblings, he is quite generously endowed. At the time I just snickered at the horrible teasing he endured