DS panicked about going to university

TBF I was the same, in fact I couldn't actually cope with it and left. Unfortunate.

Great update @smalldogdancing
Your DS is getting his bearings.
Only one thought to add on to the really positive and helpful comments is that during freshers week it is absolutely OK to skip the social stuff that is geared towards non autistic extroverts. The Minecraft society and others will be full of like minded people who aren’t into the get drunk playing beer pong and then roam the streets being silly in the wee hours. University isn’t like high school where there is pressure to fit in- it is about finding your tribe and being free to be yourself unapologetically and still find friends.

I would start to slowly try and move more of the admin onto him if possible because they will mainly be contacting him etc and though it's good to have you for support, if he doesn't respond to them or has no clue how to navigate support services then it will likely put more pressure onto you, and him as well. University Disability and support services are great but they expect a level of reaching out to them first, and he'll need to slowly learn how to navigate them himself, so I'd try and slowly work that in, like ask him to do x. I'm aware that parental support will be needed for longer, so I'm not saying just stop getting involved but try and give him more to do, whilst you still support by attending meetings etc.

When is the meeting with Disability services? If it's not too far away you may be able to organise moving in earlier during the meeting, as it's a normal accommodation they often give. Plus it will make it easier to settle in, when it's quieter.

That's a fantastic update. Thanks for posting @smalldogdancing

Where i live, not the UK many people live at home and go to university. It sounds like a good solution in this case. Well done him for getting this far

What a great update! How did your meeting with disability go? (is that the uni disability team?) Hope they are lining some good things up for him - I have been assured by several people now that autism support steps up a bit at uni for many students.

I'm guessing when he moves in, it will be a weekend, then that following week will be freshers and then the next week will be when lectures and the courses properly start. But even on freshers week he'll have course inductions, course socials, looking at digital skills, how everything will work etc.

You could ask the Disability team @smalldogdancing about moving in a few days early, they sometimes allow it for students with ASD or disabilities which mean it will be easier for them when it's less crowded. The same with registration, he may be able to pick up his card etc in a seperate building and have his own slot, as will other students so it's much less crowded, and it's for those who may have difficulty doing it where everyone else does. Most universities have a specific transition schedule for students who are autistic.

How has his online registration stuff been going? Like the forms, personal details, emergency contact, turion fees, picking modules etc. Doing that might help him know what he's in for and he'll be less fazed.

I've only just come across this thread.

As a total stranger, I just have to say, I'm so thrilled for you son. Sounds like the one visit really helped. Hopefully you'll have time for a couple more visits before he starts and they will all help.

If he goes, will he live in halls? If so, I'd talk to him about moving in as early as possible. You take him to move in, take him out for dinner that night, stay overnight, find the supermarket and help with his first shop etc. Makes sure he knows this plan in advance.

My thinking is, if he's one of the first to move in, the place might feel clamer. Then, if it's a week or two before his course starts, maybe you can go back for one more day with him, or did I read that you may be able to visit after work sometimes? Maybe that was someone else.

I think a couple more visits and the Minecraft Club could really help him to feel more secure. Wishing him all the best.

That's great. Has he been refered to psychiatry and given some antidepressants? Have you enquired about any therapy yet?. DBT could be really helpful.

What about the motivation angle? You say he does want to go, but why? I don't mean big up "oh you'll have a lovely time" etc but get him to tell you why he wants it - to remind himself.

What does it mean he doesn't get on with his dad and it would escalate?
What is his father doing?

You're exhibiting some black and white thinking there! It's normal for an autistic young person to take a bit longer and need some extra steps. EHCPs can run until age 25. Gap years might need to be about building skills and confidence to get the building blocks in place for them getting a job later.

My autistic eldest was working from 16 and is planning to start uni at 18. My youngest won't do either of these things on that timetable but it doesn't mean he won't ever be able to. We were given a rule of thumb of consider DC 2-3 years behind developmentally in primary school, but the gap has widened through the tumult of teen years. He still has plenty of growing up left to do.

Would watching some "day in the life" videos on YouTube or Tik tok help? Then he can see some daily routines of other students and sone surroundings. Maybe look up his accomodation on there too, someone has bound to have filmed a tour. Seeing it and hearing other students might make it less "unknown".

Is there a uni closer to home so he can commute?

Can he do a distance degree like the open un8versity so he doesn't need to leave home?

There are plenty of remote jobs he could do such as administrative and support roles to earn a living.

So what happens when he doesn't want to go to Uni or get a job next year? And the year after? And five years from now?

Unless his autism is so severe that he can't function in society without care, at some point he's going to have take responsibility for himself, get a job and move out. He just doesn't want to.

I was very anxious about going to university and a weekend trip up there before I started really helped. I spent a fair bit of that weekend taking a video to show my grandma around the university. Now that I think about it, having that to focus on distracted me from thinking too much about my anxiety whilst familiarising myself with the town/university.

My ds went off to university in Edinburgh but hated his course. He dropped out at the end of the first term. He re- applied to other courses but chose to say at home in Glasgow . He is socially able but I think he preferred the familiarity.
He ended up getting a degree and a great graduate job. But he says now that effectively starting his course age 19 instead of18 made a big difference to his maturity levels , and he thinks the eventual outcome was better because of this.
Sometimes they are just not quite ready for the changes that uni brings. If that’s how your ds is feeling then there can be benefits n deferring for a year

Had a similar experience with my daughter, in the end she decided to go to local university as she felt able to cope with that rather than moving away