DS panicked about going to university

Can’t he go to a university near where you live?

Are you on What I Wish I Knew About University - WIWIKAU on facebook OP? They might be able to give you some good advice on there too.

IMO the non structured format of Freshers, with lots of time with not really anything to do is really not ideal for kids with ASD. Hopefully if he can make it to his lectures and get some structure and routine going, then he might feel a bit better.

I would encourage him (perhaps with you) to consider making a weekly timetable/plan with all the things he needs to do on it, put his lectures on it, put when he's going to go shopping, any clubs he wants to go to even if he's not up to going yet, what time he's going to have lunch and dinner, what time he's going to spend in the library etc. If he can see his week laid out in front of him in black and white, well structured with everything he needs to do on it then he might feel a bit more in control.

Has he made his room into a nice place to be? I know my DS (ASD) would be rubbish at this and literally just have a laptop in there! But if he can make it feel like his space maybe with lego, models, books, magazines, posters, photos or whatever he likes it might make him feel like he belongs there more.

Is he doing comp sci? DS is doing a degree apprenticeship in software engineering and and really enjoying it. I think software engineering is a great job for kids with ASD, DS would be a complete car crash working in a shop, cafe or most other jobs tbh, but software engineering is something he can be successful at. If your DS does decide uni's not working then I know a very pro ASD degree apprenticeship in the SE he could consider applying for next year! (interview questions in advance, OT to organise any adjustments needed). PM me if it does come to that!

Hopefully it won't though and he'll start to find his way. It's such a huge change from home and school for any kid, but for a kid with ASD it's just massive.

Edited to say that i forgot to add that his dad sounds vile and like the last person he needs around him. Why on earth are you still with him OP??

Good news @smalldogdancing

Apologies @smalldogdancingI have not rtft but has your DS applied for Disabled Students Allowance?
(info here https://www.saas.gov.uk/guides/disabled-students-allowance )
(I think you said you’re in Scotland?)

This won’t solve things overnight but would give him access to a non-medical helper - mentor or buddy at first.

The disability team should be advising about this and maybe able to offer interim support while you are waiting for an application to be processed.

I hope he does ok. Good luck to you both.

Well done for supporting him so well, and he's impressive trying so hard when it's tough. I hope it works out for him, but if not then studying near you or through the OU is a good option to investigate.

My ds had a wobble last week before he went for his induction week, like yours is ASD. He did a foundation year last year, sailed through it & came out top of his cohort, but the thought of not being with the group of people who he has become close friends with really bothered him. Thankfully he is now really looking forward to starting his course.

Could your ds pick something closer to home, even do a foundation year to ease him into the new ways of working, ds said that having a year to learn about how they want work presenting, how everything works at university, ie libraries, meeting tutors etc has given him a good grounding before he starts his course. Tutors told them that students who do a foundation year generally do better than students who go straight from A levels.

Sometimes DSA will give students their own academic skills mentor and a mental health mentor (someone to just talk to about wider life stuff and stress. Does he have either or both of these? He looks like he should qualify.

Has he been referred for therapy by the GP? Or could he access it via university, these tend to only be 6 weeks though, but ask disability services as they may have one with more sessions for certain students.

Does he have an LSP? They should have sent him via uni email a copy of the LSP. They will also explain all staff to him and their roles, ask library staff to do an induction, allow him extra time and other exam arrangements of his own room etc, being able to record lectures etc. Also things like not asking questions on the spot, arrangements for things like coursework, presentations. Make sure it includes all of this.

Disabiltiy Services are very good with this adding exam arrangements (extra time, rest breaks, scribe, separate room - ask for all the possible exam arrangements, as universities have lower thresholds), tools so recording lectures, and your dc should also have get some assistive technology from DSA which can help. Has he gotten his DSA2 letter and the equipment yet?

Your DC needs to go to office hours, and have sessions with his academic tutor (great that he went with you, hopefully that means he'll go by himself again). What progress or steps etc were made in that meeting?

Talk to his lectures and his Disability Advisor regularly. It's good you are involved for now, as he gets on and hopefully is enjoying it, works with support services etc, hopefully he can mange more himself which can be good as he gets towards the end of uni, but obviously not a concern for now.

Could he join any sports clubs? Something that's sort of more yes sociable but also your focused while doing it? Glad he's started going to a few lectures

It's so exhausting and hard, you are doing an amazing job. Sending hugs.

@smalldogdancing
You have done amazing supporting him. I can only imagine how hard it is for you as a mum to an autistic DD myself.
They want to do it all but cannot. That's the most heartbreaking thing to deal with. I hope you do little things to relax and look after yourself.
Hopefully your DS will settle once lessons start fully.
Big hugs to you.
Xx

I apologise in advance if I’m repeating at all as I haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to add my bit. My husband and I are both autistic and both went to uni. He lived there about an hour or two away from home whereas I lived with my parents throughout. It was miles easier for me. To be able to come home to my safe space every day was a huge relief. For my husband however his home was not a safe space. His father was an abusive alcoholic. So different situations led to different experiences.

For both of us the entire first year was very hard. University is such a different situation to adjust to so the more things in his life that can be kept the same the better. If he’s got the same safe snacks, the same clothes etc, he’ll feel more safe as more things are familiar to him.

It took me a year to make any friends. Once I found them I was fine until I left. My husband made friends quicker but they left in his penultimate year. This made his last year very hard.

The best advice I can give, which has probably already been given, is to take it a step at a time. Make sure he knows there’s no pressure and that he can choose to do whatever he wants, when he wants. But one hurdle at a time is best. Very best of luck to him, and you.

How's it all going, @smalldogdancing?

You do sound great, OP. It must be horribly hard to watch someone struggling with this.

Does he understand himself about black and white thinking and catastrophising? As when that was explained to me (years later) it did help. Understanding that just because I think something, doesn't make it true. And that my brain is kind of playing tricks on me by seeing things as black or white, when things are usually actually shades of grey. Another thing a therapist encouraged me to do is if I feel shit about something/myself, to go and do it anyway, take that feeling with me if necessary, but don't let it stop me doing the thing.

That's one reason that I said it doesn't have to be a 'perfect' experience to be worthwhile. It can be a struggle and involve missteps and difficult times but still be absolutely worthwhile. Even decades later I am so pleased that I stuck it out and got my degree.

The fact that he is so clever does make it truly worth trying.

I also didn't really have hobbies, but if he can join Minecraft that's great.

An Acceptance and Commitment therapy approach might suit him. There are YouTubes and books if you think that might help at some point.

You sound like a great mum OP

I was similar, OP. Terrible anxiety and panic attacks, suicide ideation. It was a struggle but I managed it. Recently got diagnosed as ASD so that explains a lot.

How far is his uni from home? I managed by going to a uni I could get home from relatively easily (2 hours on the train). I limited my trips home to once a term, but the fact that I could flee if i needed to helped.

It doesn't have to be a perfect experience to be absolutely worthwhile and the right choice.

I think not feeling ready is probably not the feeling to act upon (unless he has a plan for what he would do to become ready in the next year, which it sounds like he doesn't). The experience of university itself may well allow him to become 'ready' on the job. There will be others feeling similar.

Focus on joining and attending societies that he's interested in, if he can.

If money isn't an issue, can you encourage him just to try the first 6 weeks? If money is an issue, there is a cut off point, and if you withdraw before that point, you don't get the student loan debt as I understand it - so if the uni can advise of that date, he could still try up to that point without worrying. He might not have said he's worried a bout wasting money, but it was defo in my mind when I dropped out, and again when I restarted. If my dad had been a bit more honest about what we had in the bank (even though he was redundant at the time) I might have worried less. I felt like I couldn't incur any extra expenses to make things easier and had to manage everything on the loan and the loan felt like a big bad thing in my black and white brain.

Universities have a lot of students with ASD, he just needs to understand he will not be the only one in the same boat. What does he like, any kind of hobby that will have a society?

He can stay home and go to uni. It's pretty lonely and he sees he wouldn't cope. Don't encourage him to leave home. They're so young. Help him find his own path. A little stretch is good but uni away from home is too much.