Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

I also wondered whether she had had quite a sheltered/restricted time (why are bringing up her sports? She is old enough to choose whether to do them or not) and coupled with Covid perhaps this is why you are having a rather dramatic backlash, which sounds more like something a 14/15 year old would do. She may also be slightly overwhelmed by college.

All you can do is be kind/supportive but hold some boundaries in terms of what you will accept in terms of rudeness etc. If you think you are a bit too enmeshed, maybe you need help with that.

I am in a similar boat with my once sporty, calm dd. It’s a shock to see the dd you adore become someone new. I think they need to do this to properly grow and leave us. Biologically. The closer they are to their families the harder it is. I am sure she found it hard to leave you - and worries about you on sone level.

Have you asked her why she is drinking so much? Because it is fun or because it’s actually stressful and overwhelming. If you can instigate a chat with no judgement and sound so super relaxed. What are the nights out like? Who are her friends? I offer a friendly listening ear, looking nonchalant but quietly making a careful note of what I am hearing.

It is overwhelming starting uni, so much to get used to. Where is she based?

I would insist on good manners / tell her you are always there for her. Day or night to call you if she is in trouble. Trust her to settle down in time, once the initial excitement and freedom has worn off.

Her being nasty to you is probably a reaction to your being rather over-anxious. Stop worrying and she'll calm down. In my day you didn't stay at home to go to uni and it was a very good thing, considering the way my parents flapped when I went back to stay with them.

I can understand why you’re worried op, but the majority of her behaviour isn’t unusual. Most students go a little wild in their time at uni. I’m sure my parents would have been
horrified had they known what I got up to! I was never rude and disrespectful though. That’s not on. Perhaps she should get a job to take the pressure off you a bit?

Ah. It's a massive change. I was a single mother to my dd from when she was four. You can't help but feel very close under those circumstances. When she went to university she gained the independence and power to be who she wanted. When there are just two of you at home, and one is the adult, the child gets to conform. At uni, she's out of your range of influence. Her friends will encourage her to reject any 'control' you might have.

To manage it, you need to step back. Right back. Have clear and consistent boundaries about what you will spend/provide, and how you will be spoken to (I didn't keep to my boundary on that!). And fill your life with other things. Your own interests. Your own hobbies. Listen if she talks to you, give her your opinion if she wants it, go to her if she says she needs you and apart from that, keep away. If she is ok with you visiting, do that. But not to tell her how to live her life.

I learned this as I went along. I got a lot wrong. Good luck!

The sport can be tough as you turn up used to being quite good and then (Uni dependent) can find out that first team is "county players only need apply". Or otherwise the culture doesn't suit- DH played rugby for a town club as he's not a big drinker and the Uni team were massive boozers. Also a lot of people associate team sport with "PE" and school or CBA with getting out of bed to train at weekends, so bin it off in the first year and then sign up in the second year when they're partied out a bit.

Also a lot of DC are utter dicks when they return from Uni in first year- amazed my parents didn't strangle me- I was such a sneery little know it all. I improved.

On the one hand there have been incidents that worry you - on the other hand, she has told you about these. Unless you have found out all of this information because she lives at home and has been carted home drunk, I'd say that's a win for you.

It's pretty normal to be a bit of an arse when you first go off to university. Remind her that language and attitude can be hurtful and you don't appreciate being treated badly. Ask for a friendly spirit when you talk or when she visits. Make sure she understands that you're supportive of her spreading her wings and becoming an adult, and that therefore bailing her out financially isn't something she should rely on. Don't make bailing out pr continuing to support her fornfees and kiving allowance a quid pro quo for a respectful, affectionate attitude. That should be a given.

Drop the worry about sports. They're time consuming and you're not guaranteed fun or the same atmosphere you enjoyed when you were in school doing sports with your school friends. People change and there's no harm in being able to walk away from something that doesn't fulfill your expectations.

P.S - most of them do settle down after the initial euphoria of being independent.

My DD is a couple of years older but has mentioned that the younger Uni students having a hard time (and I HATE blaming things on covid/lockdown) but lots of these students didn't have a chance to go out/experiment with drink do stupid things at home so they are going a bit wild at Uni.

I think the dropping sport and drinking too much is a fairly predictable rite of passage. She may go back to it but not if you tell her to!!!

Having said all of that she needs to be respectful and treat you well at home.

Also-Uni students DO know absolutely everything in their first year-lucky them.

I think you need to try and take a step back-the point of her going away is to test boundaries, make mistakes and learn from them.
It must be so hard for you without other DC to distract you so you have a lot of emotional room for her-I think it is part of you adjusting to the new normal as well as her.

This is all quite normal - which doesn't make it any easier to deal with, I know.

I find it helps me to sort things into a) things that, while I may not like them, are not my province any more, and b) things I really do have a right to object to. So drinking too much and losing things, giving up hobbies - those aren't your choices to make any more, so if you make a fuss about them you won't achieve anything except to sour the relationship and discourage her from telling you what she's up to.

Things that you do have a right to draw boundaries around include rudeness towards you, damage to your property, disrespecting your things etc.

I don’t get people saying it’s none of your business. As long as she financially dependent on you it’s 100% your business!

I definitely let lose during my first year at university. I’d spent my whole schooling at an all-girls boarding school which was ridiculously strict so university (and boys!) were a big novelty. I failed 2 subjects in my first year and that’s when my parents put their foot down- I either get it together or they’ll stop supporting me which meant no university, no housing, no spending money!

Is she still living at home? How is her uni work? The threat of my parents cutting me off always worked for me- it would’ve meant no more partying with my friends! I’d maybe cut her a bit of slack (to some extent) until you see her grades.

I’d recommend cutting back some of the financial help and letting her get a part time job, some of the silly mistakes are more likely to be learnt from if she’s paying for it and help her be a bit responsible. I had an alcohol problem in my first year, I just went too wild and when I ran out of my loan and needed to get a job it was the best thing to happen to me.

I am absolutely dreading dc going to university and it’s a couple of years away yet. Of course I want him to have an amazing time and all the opportunities in the world but it is a big step for mums as well as them ( I think anyway). So to feel that your dc has changed for the worst must be difficult. I haven’t been in your position personally but I think what I would do is speak to her when she comes home. Of course she is going wild at the moment, it’s a whole new world with lots of partying and new experiences. But I still think it’s reasonable for you to talk to her about how she can keep herself safe and that your concern comes from a place of being her mum , that all mums worry and your not trying to control her. Ask her how she is finding living away from home and how the course is going, general well being type questions to gauge how she is. You are working hard so she can have this opportunity and the financial means to do it without a massive struggle. That deserves some respect and I would be reminding her of that.

@shines1 hope your OK, hugs to you
Some good advice on here
I have some experience but she was younger 16 to 17 wanted yo party I was always wrong.
She is now in 2nd year at uni age 20 and very mature doesn't go partying now at all.
Has pt job around study pays for everything herself.

Stand firm and don't give up on her.
It's good that she communicates alot don't.

Why are you paying for everything? Does she nit have a student loan? Can she not get a job? Don't work yourself until the ground for her ro take you for a mug.

The first few terms always seem the worse as it's all so full on with trying to make friends, partying, freedom. Should settle down by the second year I think,

Try not to worry, she's an adult and although still young has to make her own choices. But it's very normal. I only know what my son was like because he'd tell me all the stories about it. If he hadn't, or didn't feel he could, I'd still be none the wiser!

I think preplan what you will financially help her with - a taxi fare if she's out late (although lots of unis have deferred payment schemes to keep students safe) but not for bailing her out if she overspends on alcohol other than a small grocery purchase - say £20 on food she can cook.

But just try to pause before leaping in and allow her to develop problem solving skills with a "I'm sure you will work it out". Stepping in too early, too much actually prevents normal development and those lessons knock some of the abrasiveness off.

3 of mine went to uni and it was a scary time but all now function as adults.

Oh, and do enjoy the humorous side when you can (eg if they have invented quinoa, or Chinese food when they have refused anything except beans on toast in the past, or introducing you to politics, or Jane Austen etc 😄)