Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

This is quite normal, esp after the first term. You go a bit wild, drink too much, too many boys etc etc.

Me and a lot of my peers started having a few sneaky drinks, seeing boys, giving up sport/hobbies etc when we were 15/16 and still living within the "confines" of home, which gave some boundaries. So the fact she didn't do this til she was at uni is maybe telling.

Everyone over does it a bit in the first term/year, but I remember in the first term at uni, you could def spot the kids who'd had quite a sheltered life, as they really went for it!

To a certain extent, messing up and overdoing things is how you learn. Then pretty soon you course correct and find a happy medium.

Also, thinking your parents are embarrassing/wrong about everything is also par for the course when you start getting exposed to new people and new ways of doing things. I remember having a bit of a go at my parents about the way they made omelettes, because my new housemate did it a much better/fancier way. An omelette! My poor parents!

Also I remember going from freedom at uni to "rules" and being "treated like a child" when you're home for the holidays, was a hard transition

All that said, the rudeness isn't on though. I don't have much advice on that, but just wanted to say some of her behaviour is pretty normal for many uni students. And most turn into completely normal adults!

OP be constant, as you seem to be, and she will settle down.
Is there any trauma from the past she she may be dealing with and the alcohol is her vent?

I think she is extremely lucky to have a mother that loves her so dearly

To everyone saying ‘why can’t she get a loan?’ The cut off for eligibility for a maintenance loan is way lower than everyone thinks. Tuition loans are different.

Ps. I should say mine went to boarding school aswell and they used these tests which is why i know of them…..just in case MNs are thinking I’m really weird 🤣🤣🤣🤪

I can sympathise.
My daughter is now in her third year at uni away from home. It gets better
It takes a lot of getting used to
Sit tight although it's tough just now..she is learning how to cope away from home alongside a new life and lots of other adjustment.
Just keep being there for her

Why can’t she get a student loan?

When I was at uni I barely spoke to my parents so they didn't have a clue how much I was drinking or not or clubbing etc

I'm surprised she's telling you all this most DC would keep it to themselves

@shines1 can I ask why Uni is costing you a fortune. Doesn’t your dd get student loans.
Secondly
This is quite normal.
I have three kids. One has just finished Uni the other two (twins) started in September. Two of mine don’t drink much but the other never knows when to stop and gets drunk. I realised he gets very drunk when he doesn’t eat much before but if he eats he’s ok. We did a drunk trial at Christmas so I could prove to him how this works.
I know this sounds weird.
On Christmas Eve we all had a few drinks without food and it was clear he was affected by it . We then all took a test to see how much alcohol was in our system. He was well over the limit and was shocked.

Then on Christmas Day we had a hearty breakfast, lots of carbs and then some drinks throughout the day along with dinner. He had quite a bit and over a game of Catan the shot glasses came out. His idea ( can I just say this is not our normal family modus operandi, I’m an occasional Guinness drinker on the two or three times I go to the pub a year, but hey we played along ). We then did another alcohol test and despite the fact he and everyone had had quite a bit he was not over the limit and not drunk.

So the moral of this story is. Most kids go out and go a little mad when they go to Uni but if you make your dd more aware of how she can stay in control of herself and have a drink, firstly by having a good carby meal before she may start to eventually control it aswell and drink less as she’s more aware.

Meanwhile I would allow her more space. I have no idea how much you are in contact with her but I would leave her to make the call not you. If she doesn’t call for a couple of weeks, say, drop her an ‘having fun, working hard?’ Text.

Ps. The tests are available online.

Lots of DC go a bit wild at uni or 6th form especially if they've been isolated at boarding school

If they went to a girls only boarding school then they can become very promiscuous too

Sounds like she's just going through the normal teen years but a bit later than most

I was pretty toxic to my Mum at times when I was a student I still loved her.

But I can only reinforce the don't rescue her financially comments. Getting a job (even holiday only) makes you learn life skills and the kids that I know who got a lot of help struggled a bit with life stuff post Uni.

e.gone friend lost their Jigsaw coat on a night out (an expensive indulgence for a student in those days) and it was replaced by Mummy with another expensive one.

25+ years later Mummy is still bailing this person out despite them being a well paid professional.

Agree with a lot of PP it sounds fairly standard apart from the rudeness. In your position and with a DS who is currently a second year, I would be firm with her on rudeness is unacceptable, on nights out stick with and go home with your friends (look out for each other) and you expect her to get a job in the summer.

Ah she is just having a late adolescent burst. If she hasn’t been a horror till now it’s very unlikely to be perminent.

The drinking - her tolerance will increase and the novelty will decrease and between the how she will hopefully be less of a liability. Overall gen Zs drink far less so there is genuinely a chance by year 2 she’ll have snapped out of it. There’s nothing you can do here. Chances are she’ll be fine. Put it out of your mind.

Rudeness - have some very firm boundaries ‘I’m going to put the phone down now, ring me back when you’re feeling more cheerful’.

I know it’s hard but try not to take it personally, be a bit stepped back. If she’s hurtful tell her ‘that was really hurtful. You wouldn’t talk to a friend like that, so don’t do it to me. Let’s pick up this conversation when you’re in a better mood’. But, don’t be looking to be hurt.

There’s a theory adolescent behaviour is about separating from the family/tribe for a period so you can transform into an adult and then return. You might have a slightly distant couple of years but the chances are she’ll be back.

In the meantime, can you focus a bit on building up your life now you are in a new stage?

I assume as she’s at uni she’s 18, so an adult.

She can choose wether she wants to play sports or not. That’s her decision, not yours.

She can pay for and apply for a new passport. And hopefully keep it safe the next time she goes out drinking.

So try not to stress about those things. They are out of your control.

Is she really turning into a monster? Or is she just not living up to (maybe) high expectations you’ve set for her?

My dd (only child too) was exactly the same when she started uni. Drinking, almost certainly some types of social drug use and getting bloody tattoos.
she did calm down during the 3rd year though- think she realised she actually needed to reduce the social aspect and concentrate on studying if she was to pass her course.
normal to worry, but she isn’t doing anything out of then ordinary.

Also-
There's much more to be learned in university than the subjects you study.

Self care, financial responsibility, getting along with others, keeping exposure to problems with money and personal safety to a minimum, finding a balance between work and play, time management, sticking up for yourself and developing your values are all part of it.

Don't hamper those elements of her development or treat her as a juvenile who couldn't get through a week without your input. Learning from your mistakes is important.

It's also important to keep a sense of perspective. Anyone could end up dead any time, and for women the prospect of rape really isn't something we have control over. Be careful you don't imply if you're talking to her that getting raped would be (1) the end of the world for her, or (2) her fault for not being careful. That sort of speech can alienate young women.

Make sure your fears of something extraordinary happening (death, for example) don't get the better of you, and don't express them to her, or your sensible advice will be dismissed as, "Mum is at it again." Don't be the mum who cried wolf, in other words.

So you are ex forces? That must be very scary to let your offspring find their way but you do need to let them do that. Give them your numbers and safe talk but after that, back out

All of this age group are delayed, they were in lockdown for key developmental years.

Step back.

As a pair, you two may have been closer in many ways than a larger family unit, and that can feel a little intense to a young adult wanting to stretch her wings. One of the ways to do that as an 18yo is to kick against you, be stroppy and disrespectful, argue against the colour ofn the sky if it means she can claim a different view to yours.

This is OK. It's normal. It's not personal (although by god, it feels it!) and if she wasn't secure that you love her whatever she does, she wouldn't risk it.

Step back. Let her drop sports clubs, get hammered with her mates, make a series of truly stupid decisions - some involving hair or clothes or piercings - and generally be a bit of a tit for a while.

Do not rescue her financially, let her discover natural consequences (like hangovers and what happens when you don't study for an exam) and keep lines of communication open.

That's not to say you have totolerate rudeness. But it does help (or at least it helped me) to know it's normal and it passes.