Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

I have no idea why you’re receiving such mean spirited replies. You come across really caring
At 18 she won’t be articulating how much she needs or loves you because you’re consistent
Fact is she feels safe to rebel she knows you’ll be in her corner
In time she’ll look back and absolutely cringe at her antics and ditziness losing a passport

It’s hard but she’s finding her feet and you have to take a step back and let her get on with it.

I can remember finding my poor parents utterly pedestrian when I was a student.

My eldest had barely had an alcoholic drink in his life before he went off to uni, and then was drinking himself sick with regularity. I can remember saying to him ‘don’t get fat!’, remembering how we all porked out on beer. He did the opposite and got really skinny. He drank too much, took loads of drugs but was undoubtedly not as bad as I was at his age. He remained as nice as ever, but he definitely put us firmly at the bottom of his list of priorities, and rightly so.

They come back, literally and figuratively, and are all the better for it.

Maybe another way to look at the situation after the last two decades is this is finally a chapter for you. You have done all you can as far as parenting is concerned and the rest is now up to her.

What are your dreams? Ambitions etc.
i think that eases the journey ahead. You will many things to look forward to, besides keeping the nest warm for when she returns. You have given her everything, so maybe it’s time now for you.

Mine are only tiny so I’ve not experienced this with them yet and I didn’t go to uni but all of my friends who did go went completely off the rails in their first year. Between the three of them they were arrested for being drunk and disorderly a couple of times, shagged anything that moved, one broke their hip on a night out and one borrowed their parents car and got it nicked outside the uni. All in their 30’s now with their own families and respectable jobs. All close with their parents but I have no doubt they were tearing their hair out as well when they were students!

Your DD will be fine I’m sure.

shes a lucky young woman to have a smashing mum who gives a damn
shes pushing boundaries and testing things out inc booze,new pals & risqué behaviour
by all means feel free to set reasonable boundaries that’s ok

I get that. Although I’m surprised it’s drink usually it’s smoking that kids hide from parents.
So next time she visits have some wine together with a meal. Make it normal.
Dont finish the bottle so she sees you don’t always have to.
My dh occasionally has a glass with a meal and our kids too since they were about 15/16ish ? Two of them have always been take it or leave it the other not so. They were also allowed two beers at school on a Saturday once they reached 6th form.
our little Christmas game seems to have worked ( secret intel from his twin 😉)

Good luck

I have a DD of the same age who has also just started uni, was also at boarding school
and who has also had a WILD first term….! I also have a DS who is 2 years older and in his last year at uni and so I’ve seen it all before…! First year wild, lots of boozing, lots of getting it wrong, no sport (and he loves sport), 3 scrapes involving trips to A&E… also made great friends…. time of his life…. Second year calmer… more sport, financially more savvy… third and final year now, head screwed on, positions of responsibility within uni, working hard, super fit, strong friendship group and making plans for the future. Total turnaround from the first year. I am hoping that my DD will do the same and yours too…. We do support financially but not generously - they work as well… I stay in touch regularly, have to keep my mouth shut about drinking, no sport etc.. (hard… but they do get bored of it…). Rudeness - that is what I would work on if I were you - try not to nag about all the stuff going on at uni - it’s normal… but pull her up everytime she speaks to you rudely - that is not on! And don’t do stuff/sort out her scrapes for her… if she gets into a pickle - support her while she sorts herself out…. Good luck… watching your DD leap into adulthood will be a bit of a rollercoaster. xxxx

I think the fact she was in boarding school is playing a part here- my son went to state boarding school from 12 to 14 and it was great in many ways but very structured compared to a comp - he then found it weird in the comp. I think having all this time and freedom isa novelty for her and without you on the doorstep too- you sound a really lovely lady but I suspect because you didn't see her all the time when you did you felt possibly overprotective and needed to have a bit of control- understandable too- I think you need to make sure she realises she needs to clean up her own messes and be polite at home if she wants your financial input

This makes sense as when I started uni it was the girls that had gone to same sex schools/boarding schools or had very strict upbringings that went absolutely fucking wild when they first got to Uni. I'm afraid you'll have to just let her get it out of her system whilst just reinforcing that she needs to keep herself safe. She will calm down OP I'm sure though I appreciate you must be worried sick

It's so hard and such an enormous culture shock. My eldest struggled so much with MH problems and bullying in the later years of school, my whole life revolved around their wellbeing and worrying about them. When they went off to uni I cried buckets, I didn't know where to put myself. It's not only their lives that change, it's ours too, and we should be allowed to talk about that.

Whatever crap you're willing to put up with from your daughter she will keep giving you. Ask yourself if this was a girlfriend would you put up with her being rude to you? If she's using your money to drink and party with, maybe reduce how much you give her. Perhaps a part time job would help to keep her occupied. Personally I wouldn't put up with an adult child that I'm funding being rude to me. Not at all.

Two dcs at uni here. One started in September, the other the year before that.

The first year is well known to be a time when students get drunk and drink too much. Seems to settle down in the second year as they find their own limits/settle into some routine.

My dcs have never really told me about their drinking sessions but reading between the lines, it’s clear dc1 has been drinking too much some times and got sick etc….
dc2 has and still is drinking too regularly to my liking, even if not big quantities iyswim. This is in part because having a pint or two after an activity (he us involved in a few clubs) is a social event at the pub…
I never say a lot around that. If I’m commenting, I’m doing it the same way I’d do with a good friend - maybe concerned but not judging iyswim.

For the rest, you can’t spend your time worrying about her safety. Nor can you control the environment for her anymore. It’s really up to her to look after herself - even if it makes you worried sick.
Also up to her to sort out any issues such as loosing her passport. She’ll struggle but she will be more careful next time!!
Just let her know you are there if she needs help. Like yu would with a friend - an adult. And let her handle the situation. Ask her what she is planning to do etc.. but don’t step in.

It’s hard to step back and let them ‘fail’. But your dd will be ok.

That sounds hard. I did a very similar thing when I went to uni, lost myself a bit, tried too hard to fit in but I soon got over that phase (as did others I know) and calmed down. I can understand why you’re worried though

OP my daughter says she went a little wild for the first year or so at university but she now looks back and regrets it! I was blissfully unaware as she told me nothing! I did tell her she had to move hall though as she was keeping Uber in business travelling between her hall and the ones her friends were in. It’s all perfectly normal - she will find her tribe and settle down. DD is now a first year junior doctor. She did return to her sport (tennis) joining the team and playing matches. The violin stayed in its case where it remains to this day! They do experiment first taste of freedom and all that for some of them

I really feel for you! I agree with the others that you shouldn't get her out of trouble if she overspends or causes herself a problem. Obviously you would drive through the night to rescue her, that goes without saying, but if she rings and says oh I've spent a couple of hundred more I should, then don't rescue her. Say oh well what are you going to do now? She can't say she's an adult and then behave like a child and expect you to get her out of any trouble. I would have to bring up the low tolerance with alcohol issue with her. I think in the end it's a matter of gritting your teeth and getting through the next couple of years I'm afraid. I found that stage much harder than the baby or toddler stage.

I went completely off the rails at university. I was a nightmare and really, I was having a complete mental/emotional/psychological meltdown. I was actually suicidal, although I'm not saying your daughter is! What I am saying is that her behaviour might be a sign of something else. A part of it wad that I felt that I'd grown up too quickly and had made too many mistakes that couldn't be undone. I felt like there was no turning back. I desperately wanted my mummy but felt that I had burned too many bridges and had to keep going on with my behaviour and never look back. Im in my 40s now, and our relationship never recovered because I ended up withdrawing from her because I felt I didn't deserve her love anymore. She never really knew my feelings and just thought I'd pushed her away. Years have passed and it has mostly all been swept under the rug. I think that all I ever wanted was to hear the worlds 'you'll always be my baby and ill never stop loving you'. She showed it in many ways, but I needed to know for sure. I needed to hear it.

Maybe your daughter does too.
Just a thought.