Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

Totally normal. I’ve had 2 kids at Uni and they both did this. They come back to you. X

I lost about 3 purses at uni. Would have lost phones and air pods but they hadn't been invented. Forced me to become organised.

I’m guessing she’s on minimum loan so you are topping up around £5000 a year as required but finding she’s not grateful at all. That would rub me up wrong way. I’d pay the required but stop any extras and stop bailing her out. She probably will calm down as the year goes on.

Try not to worry. Make.it very clear you will pay for food and accommodation not partying or related losses and tell her to get a job! Re the respect as I said to ds at the same.age my house my rules , uni do want you like providing it legal. I had a wats ap form a flat mate of him passed out in the kitchen from alcohol in his first year. 3rd year now and has the odd pint nothing more. It will settle

Aww I would like to hug you!!

I have 2 girls. They are now in their early 30s. Only 18 months apart, one was a lovely teenager (strategically did not get a boyfriend until after her A levels, never needed a curfew), the other was harder work and certainly needed a curfew. They are now both such lovely girls. I think that one big disadvantage for you, dear OP, is that you are a single parent. You have to stand up to your daughter alone which must be hard. However I am sure that she knows that this behaviour is not acceptable. Make your rules and stick to them.

One of the things I did when they went to Uni was start a Masters. I felt it was important that they knew that I would not be sat at home counting the days for reading week, that I had a life. Turns out that I was a great proof reader of their work and I was the Queen Bee when it came to references. You don't have to understand the subject when you are proof reading.

So many changes going on at the moment, but you will find your way together. Start a private journal and reflect on the changes. I bet if you read it back in 2 years' time it will give you a smile.

And household insurance usually covers students.

Very normal OP.
I went nuts when I went to uni.
My parents were strict and I had a steady boyfriend but I dumped him and did everything opposite to how my parents lived their lives. Truckloads of booze, lots of takeaways, out on the town every night, seeing inappropriate men, acting cocky, wandering round scantily clad in the dead or night . I dread to think 🤣
But everyone did. It was fun. The first taste or freedom is fantastic.

I understand you are worried OP. But isn't this a tale as old as time? It's likely you're daughter has found some freedom and the attitude is new found confidence -even though it may come across as arrogance.
Giving up sports and drinking is totally normal.
What isn't good is the bad manners and disrespect for you. Can you talk to her about that?
Otherwise, let her know you are there for her to talk to. I think the more rigid you are with rules unfortunately the more you could push her away.

This phase won't last by the way. It didn't for anyone I know.
Good luck x

OP my DD is not a drinker. She found her first year at uni very empty because she doesn't drink etc. However I was a complete lash and got into lots of scrapes. After boarding school my DD was a nightmare. Rude, lazy, unhelpful. She blamed everyone for her NEET status. I gave her the big talk. I wouldn't be shouted out or belittled. At 20 she's lovely. Still arsey but kind and a good person. We have a strong bond. Your dd must keep a spare tenner to get home. I think I had a necklace. Very hard to open at the bar. Safety is key. And be blunt if she ends up shagging soneone pissed she may get the clap. That puts most people off. I'm blunt because it makes teenagers listen and run screaming from the room.

"she lost all her bank cards a few weeks ago too,oh and her AirPods,and there was something else that was worth several hundreds of pounds"

Between this and the lost passport is there any chance she has ADHD? This sounds like my DS, who wasn't diagnosed until he started University because I had been holding everything together for him up until then. It all fell apart when he had to fend for himself.

So she is going to have to learn to be careful & buy a cheap pair buds
get a summer jobs and save a bit of money. She’ll recalibrate and be just fine
most folk are muppets at uni, and it’s the right environment to test things and self in a socially accepted way. Since forever students have got pissed, somehow passed exams and come our other side as fine decent young folk.

Look she sounds pretty normal. I don't understand those posters saying rudeness isn't normal for teenagers. Are you kidding me? Teenagers can be horrible rude a LOT.

She's essentially a kid on the cusp of adulthood grappling to work out what that means and how to do it. She'll take her anxieties out on you because she knows you'll love her no matter what.

The drinking would worry me too, can only advise gentle reminders about personal safety.

Think of this as you letting a bird go to well ……….fly

It can’t fly just yet but all the things you taught it will eventually come to the fore and then BOOM it is lift off!

In the meantime this sounds fairly standard I’m afraid. We’ve had two passports and two iPhones to replace.

Damn kids!

As an aside I was at uni 85 to 88 then again 91 to 92 when we got grants. All free

You couldn’t sign on in the hols unless you had no parents or were changing course.
Same with housing benefits etc

Time to start spending more of your time , money and energy on YOURSELF OP!
enjoy!!! ☺️

By the way, never pay off her credit card if she overspends on it (I had uni friends who's parents did this and they'd just max it out again).

@shines1 This 100% with knobs and bells on.

Do not, EVER pay her way out of debt.
I knew people whose parents did this -by the students pleading down the phone- mum and dad stumped up, and another alcohol/drug binge would take place.

Those who had to make their money last were much better.

One shocking young man even had the cheek to say asking his mother for money ''Was as easy as milking a cow''.

These were middle class students, spoiled.

Have a look on the WIWIKAU Facebook site. It seems to be quite common that they are rude, entitled and generally revolting when they return for the first couple of holidays.

She probably has got a loan. My daughter did, and worked, and we paid for her food and travel etc. It's not like the days when tuition was free, you could sign on in the holidays, get housing benefit & accommodation was cheap.

My parents kept a tight leash on me until I suddenly had my own money and independence and I went a bit wild (not saying you kept too tight a leash on your dd but similar effect if she hasn't gradually been used to socialising and drinking and then suddenly let loose at uni).

I wasn't streetwise at all, trying to act more mature than I was to keep up with my peers and so totally out of my depth it did end very badly. I never told my parents as I knew it would be my "fault".

You can't put the lid back on the box, she is out now and probably having a great time. All you can do is advise her how to keep safe, to keep together with friends she trusts when out and tell her to have fun so she knows you are not judging her. She will need to learn fast.

Be there without judgement if she needs you.

Oh, OP, she’ll settle down. She’s just overspreading her wings at the moment and she’ll likely settle down in a year or two. Lots of them turn into dicks when they first go to uni and I say that both as the mother of a student and as an academic of nearly 30 years. My favourite was when my DSS came home after his first semester and tried have an argument with me about how universities were run. Twat 🙄😂