Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

Sounds like you’ve been a great Mum , wish you well

Raging hormones are one thing , rudeness is another and should never be tolerated…Point out clearly that it will never be acceptable

I've had three go through university. First year Sheesh. They get drunk. Break, lose phones etc luckily my husband was chilled about it so I dialled it back.

I would say @shines1 that your daughter gets a summer job and saves for her term time forays and accidents. It really is easy come, easy go.

Come the second year they do quieten down a bit.

Well done on your studies.

And she will come back. At the moment she sees you a stuffy responsible old duffer who doesn't know how to have 'fun'. She's having a mini rebellion. But that sort of 'fun' eventually gets old and all you want is a hug with your lovely DM and time spent gently chatting and listening to each other as you talk about your thoughts on life.

Another poster saying check in with her. The cycle of constant boozing at uni was just a defacto expectation but looking back I wish I'd done things differently. I also was miserable at uni for the first two years. And the final year I just kept going home on the weekends. I'd had enough of that scene.

I wonder if a few sessions with a life coach would help her work out her boundaries, her values and her motivations. Is she happy on her degree course? Does she know what she wants out of life? What makes her feel alive?

She sounds all at sea with all the drinking and going crazy.

Let her know if she ever feels overwhelmed or questioning who she is and what she wants out of life, that you'd pay for help for a few sessions and that this would be something you WOULD be happy to pay for.

Mental health is very very important these days. I say this as someone who had a wonderful kind loving mother and I also went to boarding school. But motherly love cannot solve all ills and questions of the mind. For that you need a professional.

She was in boarding school. It's her first taste if freedom and she's going to over indulgent for a child.

The fact you know about all these things, rather than them being hidden from you, is a sign of a good relationship.

Impossible not to worry but it's a phase and it will settle down. Even if she does test your patience for a little while, keep the lines of communication open. At least she has somewhere to turn if she messes up, that's what's important.

Oh hun, you/she are not unique! They are all displaying this behaviour! Hold on tight/cross your fingers and be there!!
Sorry, that's the only advice I've got sweetie x

My daughter is currently back from first year at uni; been back for Christmas then gone for assessments then back home again to see friends. I can’t do anything right. She was even annoyed with us for being ill. She’s also being lazy.
Im just sucking it up. I remember she was vile during her first term at secondary school. It’s all overwhelming and we are the people she doesn’t have to try with. Not worth falling out over. She’ll get there.

If it helps, I was a very innocent, straight A, polite teen who never caused any issues. I wasn't used to drinking. On my first night of uni, I ended up in A&E, and after that binge drank a lot and behaved recklessly for a lot of university. I'm now 30 and a qualified mental health nurse in a stable marriage with a baby on the way. I'm back to barely drinking and resumed all my usual hobbies like crochet, reading, gaming, and board games. I caused my parents a lot of worry during those years.

The only other thing I'd say is check in with her. I drank a lot because I developed significant mental health problems at university as I'm not neurotypical and never fit in. Self-harm + binge drinking was how I coped a lot of the time. Also, poor mental health can make you rude and irritable! Chances are though, she's just like a lot of students and enjoying the freedom and testing boundaries. There's no other time of life it's acceptable to get bladdered 5 nights in a row and turn up to something after 2 hours of sleep still kind of drunk :D Nagging her about her drinking won't make her stop. Just encourage her to keep safe, be mindful of the risks of spiking etc, and to stick with people she trusts. Like I did, she'll eventually learn binge drinking on a regular basis tends to have consequences.

The rudeness obviously is less acceptable, so do what you need to do to make her understand that isn't acceptable.

She'll settle down a bit once she's in the 2nd year.

But if she's doesn't, remember you are paying for her tuition, so perhaps refuse to.

She's an adult, after all.

Sounds like fairly typical student shenanigans tbh.

Years ago, I phoned my mum one a week from the pay phone on our corridor. She had no idea what I got up to.

You need to renegotiate your new adult/adult relationship which is really hard when you are used to being the advising parent. You need to step back and let her get on with it.
If I were you, I’d ask her to stop involving you in her drama as you worry too much. Obviously reassure her you’ll always be there for her in an emergency but say with a laugh that you’d rather not know the others exploits. She’s an adult now, she needs to make her own decisions but also suffer the consequences.

Insist on basic respect and politeness but try not to “parent” anymore. I know it’s hard. I struggle with this myself. Trying to give well meaning advice when all they want is to figure it out themselves. It’s normal.

A girl I was friends with at uni who had been at boarding school went wild yr 1 with drink and lads. People just put it down to her being at a boarding school. It probably is a huge adjustment for her.

I would be checking if she's ok. Maybe she has fallen out with friends or been cheated on or even as you say been sexually assaulted - these things can lead to big personality shifts- that would be my priority.

Also check she is eating ok - she could be down on vitamins and not used to it

University students are like toddlers. You know when a toddler goes through that rebellious NO stage, and they know better. They refuse to do what you say even though you’re trying to protect them from harm? The difference is we do have to step back. They will make mistakes. Some of them costly, hopefully not unsafe. The more you push even to keep them safe the more they rebel. If you step back, she’ll come around. University is a hugely challenging self discovery phase. I didn’t do so well, fell pregnant but I’m successful now!

My sister was similar, then started obsessing over air freshener everywhere...turns out she was taking drugs, nothing too bad at first but got progressively worse. Addiction runs in our family so as you can imagine it didn't end well.

You know your child best, if there are alarm bells ringing from passing out from alcohol on the regular, safety concerns etc. (as you said you worry she may be raped), it may be better to intervene earlier rather than later.

If you think it may be leaving nest syndrome or you tend to overreact, that's a bit different.

Personality changes are concerning though, as she could be depressed or struggling with something and using alcohol to cope.

Your child needs you most when you like them least was my mantra for years. First term of uni is a time of major adjustment and they may worry they wont have friends and/or cant cope with the work. Home is their safe place so they take it out on you. That doesnt mean you should put up the abuse though.

After Christmas things start to settle down a bit. Hopefully next time she's home will be a bit easier and if you dont bail her out all the time by next year she'll start to appreciate how lucky she's been .

Congratulations! On pass your assignment. Big woo hoo to you

The drinking and giving up sports is normal, she’s living away from home and experimenting. I certainly wouldn’t let my 19yr old DS who is at Uni come in and start being rude and disrespectful to me, or he’d be going straight back out again. If you’re financially supporting her and she’s treating you like that then I’d be reading her the riot act. I’d stay out of conversations about her drinking, other than reminding me to stay with friends and other staying safe advice. I just let my son get on with it, but I know I’ll probably be more worried with DD goes (though son’s been mugged which was awful, so worry about both)

Oh op, she’s just spreading her wings, new found freedom, having fun. Do you not remember this age, were you not like this? I was.

please try not to control her, or dictate, and don’t make her reticent to tell you things, for fear of your reaction or judgment, you will lose her.

shes just a normal kid.

It sounds like she’s going through a teen rebellion phase a bit late. I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. It’s important for her development that she detaches from you and makes her own mistakes. Try to think of it that way.

It’s not uncommon for boarding school students to go mad at uni as they’ve been institutionalised under heavier school discipline and the freedom goes to their heads, they also haven’t had the same level of exposure to alcohol and drugs as day school students.

Asking as curious… Did you not make mistakes at that age?

I have to say that from 16/17 - 22, I was a right cow to my poor mum! I was asserting my independence, I guess, and made a lot of mistakes along the way. Got drunk most weekends. Would go straight to work on 1 hour sleep. Once I was so drunk I fell asleep on a bus, ended up 2 hours from home. Somehow I got myself back. Too many stories to tell.

I don’t say this to be proud of my behaviour, I just say that my mum also put up with a lot. But we are now very close and I appreciate she was always there for me. Even if my DH sometimes reminds me of my blazing rows with my mum when we were first dating (which I’m now mortified about!) I have a career and 2 lovely kiddies and a DH.

Hang in there, be firm with her that she needs to look after herself and it’s not good to put herself in danger. She will get through this ‘finding herself’ stage and the stability you gave her will shine through.

Btw our daughter also smashed her iPhone on a night out I fear this isn’t unusual - you sound like a lovely caring mum who’s brought her up brilliantly and deep down your girl will know that! Mine (with the wisdom of age and experience) now says she didn’t enjoy the first year at all. There was me thinking she was having a ball! hated that drinking culture - dropped her off in her sc flag at the beginning of the first year and I was shocked at all the bottles of alcohol on the table in the flat … she now rarely drinks

@shines1 I am so pleased that you are doing your masters. A reassurance about your first assignment - I got in the mid 50s for my first assignment - but kept my head down and went on to get a Merit for my final mark. You just have to stick at it. I carried on and have done my PhD. So your first mark is just the start of your learning journey. It doesn't always feel it, but it is worth it.

I went completely off the rails when I went to university many years ago, my mum and dad knew nothing about it though as this was pre mobile phones by long time🤣

I do have 2 dses at university though and understand things are very different these days. You still need to take a step back though and allow your dd to grow up, however tough it is. I don’t know what ds1 gets up to and I don’t want to know how he spends the money we give him, it would make me cry I’m sure!

Most of them grow up and stop being rude at some point. Ds1 is lovely now at 21 years.