Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

I think you are right to be worried about the boozing. Drinking is fine, but when it starts to cause you problems , then it isnt.
My dd who also started this september got put in a flat with people who have no interests except boozing. The first few weeks she had a few alcohol related incidents such as a head injury, losing the access key to her accommodation, getting lost in the city on a night out and memory blackouts. Fortunately she pretty soon wised up and has not wanted to drink excessively since,
I would definitely have words about her attitude towards you and remind her that you are funding her and as an adult now you expect better.

You are her Mum But she's not your little girl anymore and you will have to adjust to being the mother of an ADULT who makes her own choices which you don't need to approve of . The behaviour you describe is normal Have a chat about being safe but try not to come over as judgemental so that she knows you will always be there for her whatever happens (although as others have said don't pick up the financial debris ) Her actions have consequences and if she's adult enough to make bad choices she's adult enough to fix them This is a new chapter for her and for you

Hello, recently single parent here too. Husband had an affair and left to be with the OW after wed been together for a couple of decades and some more years.
My daughter started University and staying in University halls in September. She went from being meek and shy to being uber confident and finding herself.
With this confidence came an exaggerated entitled to (not always) speak at me/down to me (mother) with her opinions as though she is the parent. I view it as them finding their feet but I do challenge her when she takes this attitude with me. Don't be afraid yo remind her who is the parent and who is being supported in expanding their future opportunities. I believe they will settle down and level out in the second year and that this will pass.
In regards to sports hobbies, as they are finding their feet in their newly acquired 'xbaby adult' phase, they're pushing their own boundaries whilst discovering a new world. They're wrapped up in freshers, first year, forming new relationships, adapting to new lifestyles, not all will keep to their school day hobbies. They need to spread their wings, learn their own life lessons, make their own mistakes (as much as that pains us), but this will help them become well rounded adults. Our role is to support them through, but make sure they know where the line is when they cross it.
HTH ❤️

Eh?

Totally feel your anxiety and frustration.

As hard as this is going to be for you, you need to stop trying to redirect her. I am not saying don't give advice, I am saying the more you push the more she will push back.

You are not going to like what I am going to say but if she is being disrespectful then you have to set boundaries and follow through with them.

Speaking to you like she does is not acceptable. Stop doing stuff for her if it continues.

She is being wild because she can. This is the part you want like. There's nothing you can do about it. She has to learn for herself that what you are saying is right.

Everything you feel as your mum is valid and it's hurtful how she is treating you. Yes, it's worrying that her ventures could take her to scary places or in compromising situations.

Ask her if she will join a location app so you can see she is safe, or of she goes missing you know her last whereabouts. My son was happy to join the 360 app when he worked away in York. He's since moved back and hasn't removed himself, I think he also likes to know where I am too.

However, this is for safety only and not to get on at her about where she goes etc. I think my son kept it cause he knew I didn't intrude in his life. It's reassurance for you too.

It's hard, but you have to back off. Somehing else you won't like me saying. It was hard for me, but I had to do it cause it was making me ill, the constant worry and battles 24/7.

She's pushing back, because you are still trying to parent her when she wants to feel free. Give advise, don't lecture, change your tone with her.

Of course she's going to be getting up to all sorts it's what alot of young people do. Let her make her own mistakes and have her own experiences.

I am not expecting my advice to go down well with you, so I ask you to consider how well is what you say to your daughter, going to go down with her ? Judging by your post I am thinking not very well atall.

To be honest m, I am more worried about you, because I know the mind set you are in, it's horrendous! Everything you feel is valid. What I am trying to say to you is put your own mental health first. Put boundaries in place.

Good luck!

I believe, annoying and as frustating as it is, her behaviour is normal and for you to be worried is also normal and understandable.

The worry does evenutally ease and hopefully you daughter has good friendship to keep her safe.

My DD group of friends - have each other tracked so they know each other is safe, each person has a buddy when going out, they know about spiked drinks and usually don't drink in pubs - too epensive and have pre-drinks before going out. The uni will also have support and advise on staying safe.

The rudness, entitlement etc does get better.. at 30 I'm told. 😂😂

It's just a phase...if she's been ok up to now you're extremely lucky. And if so it also indicates it's a blip. It maybe a blip that will last a while; but a blip none the less. Be there for her; but with boundaries. She'll be ok in the end 👍

You are being a very loud helicopter. She's not a child.

This lot here are nuts. I hear ya.

She's just started a new chapter in her life. She's just gone to University.

I'll assume she's living at home.

She's going to be unruly, she's going to push boundaries, she's going to do a hell of a lot more than just be getting drunk and partying (sorry to say but she is).
She's going through a massive change, finding new friends all while trying to study.

University is a time where kids become adults and learn their own limits. Sometimes the hard way.

You just have to be there to gently pick up the pieces when she can't get herself unstuck.

She's your first kid that's in uni and this is her first experience of the real world.

You're both learning in this new chapter.

No you're not going to like everything she's doing but you can't wrap her in cotton wool forever.

Id say the best thing to do is tough love which is the hardest to do but most effective. If she thinks she can treat you that way and then you still do nice things/give her what she wants or fix her problems then she's never going to learn that you can't treat people you love like that. As shes an only child that could play into it as she knows shes all you've got and that she's your world.... i hope this helps.... i know it will be hard to do but i think it's your only option. Good luck and i hope everything works out for you xx

What a great parent you are! Any idea of the extent of the drinking culture & the danger it presents? I guess you must like it.

Clearly mum of the year... 🤔🤔

This is true. I didn't tell my mum much at all about uni. The purses , ID cards etc I lost, the booze.

My dd is also in her 1st Yr at uni and I hear you about the rudeness. And yet today I have a message from her asking me to sort out some admin thing..hmm.

At least she is telling you this stuff, which shows how close you are, I didn't dare tell my mum anything.

Be firm with the rudeness. If she runs out of money, don't bail her out, she'll have to get a job like many of us did.

It's early days.

I have no new advice because it's been pretty much covered by PP. BUT you sound like a good mum. She still needs you, you are the constant in her life, just be there when she fucks up.

They're still learning to be adults at that age. My one starts uni in 2025 and I'm bracing myself.

Sounds quite normal but the rudeness isn’t nice for you. You could bring your barriers down and tell her you’re finding the changes hard. She might need a big dose of love. It’s easy to get into tit for tat and one of you needs to wave the flag first and open up. Could you plan a meal out and have a chat in neutral ground? Sounds like a tough time for you. She’ll come back to you. It’s just a stage.

@RazzlePuff

no

rudeness is not ok.

she can be supportive without having to tolerate her daughter being rude and disrespectful towards her.

@RazzlePuff I don't agree on this- I think fair but firm is fine- going OTT supportive just breeds a load of rude young expectant people, many happily taking you for a mug-

I was always there for our son- helped him out, listened when he needed help but we certainly didn't pander to him being a twat - and at 25 we are very close still

I'm a mature student at uni. From what I've seen, this is very VERY normal! They go mad with the rush of independence, think they know it all and it goes to their heads a bit. She'll even out.

She needs your love and acceptance, no matter what. Do not push her away with threats and anger. She needs to know she can talk to you - no judgement.
when she does or says crappy things, smile and hug her. When she is expecting you to shout it be angry, embrace her. Do the unexpected but kind thing.
the two of you need an open dialogue. Tell her you are sorry (even if u aren’t) and ask what’s the best way you can support her. Never make it about you.
sports - who cares. At Uni it’s different culture.
Be there for her when she falls, but don’t do the messy jobs for her. If she vomits, she cleans it. Etc.

It’s really hard to get the right balance. My parents were really chilled with me at uni which was great until I had a really tough time and they missed all the cues. The most important thing is to be non-judgemental but always there to listen if she needs. The lack of respect thing isn’t great, but if it’s new she could be feeling stressed.

OP well done for doing your masters. My daughter was bloody awful when she went to Uni . She is now a Mum and completed her masters last year. She is a lovely thoughtful person and I am massively proud of her ..light at the end of a tunnel 😊

She sounds just like me when I was a teenager. Experimenting with alcohol and testing boundaries is a natural part of growing up. If she is seemingly enjoying uni life then I would give her some space. These 3 years are when children transition into adults. She will not be like this forever. Be supportive. I can guarantee you she is more than normal, and you sound like a good concerned Mum.