Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

The size of loan you can get is now dependent on your parents financial position. The full student loans of the past are gone.

My DD is 18 and in the forces. She seems to have regressed in maturity and I find it hard to be supportive all the time!
I keep reminding myself although she’s an adult and independent, she’s still a teenager and her brain isn’t fully developed (for another 6-7 years!) so they will do stupid shit and drive us crazy

I’m glad my mum knew nothing of the risks I took when I was 18 and moved across the world. Looking back I think geez that was so incredibly stupid 😅
I used to get really drunk at uni and I’ve met up with guys in their house on the first “date”. Anything could of happened to me 🫣 if I had a daughter and she did all this stuff I would be terrified but I’m still here to tell the tale and nothing happened to me 😅

I don't see tge reason why people assumes just because a child is 18, they should be allowed to do whatever. 18 is no age.

So,what should she actually do and say?

They are allowed to do whatever because they are adults and away from home. You just hope that 18 years of prior parenting sees them through in the end.

You can guide them and set rules while they are at home, but while they are living away from home you don't know what they are doing from one minute to the next. It's just how it works.

Not telling her to say that to her daughter obviously. Just giving scenarios of what might happen and does happen. I was referring to those saying being drunk and having incidents is normal. She can talk to her , it's her daughter. Ignoring it and assuming it's a normal behaviour is what I don't agree with. And some mothers telling her to butt out is what concerns me. Yes, she's an adult but I don't see tge reason why people assumes just because a child is 18, they should be allowed to do whatever. 18 is no age.

Sounds tough OP! Personally, I'd offer advice and hope that some of it sticks

• line your stomach before/during drinking
• sip water alongside booze (would your daughter be mindful of alcohol wreaking havoc on her skin?)
• watch out for your mates on nights out (hopefully vice versa too)
• ask for Angela at the bar if needed

I can guarantee her daughter will tune her out or will get up and leave the room, slamming the door behind her if she tries to say "being drunk will get you raped, kidnapped, murdered, etc".

It will be patently obvious to the daughter that none of these things have happened either to her or to any of her friends so far, and she will dismiss her mother's "advice" as irrational nonsense.

It's better to offer practical tips - stay with your friends, don't leave a party without the entire gang you arrived with, keep your drink in your hand the entire time/ drink only straight from the bottle, have something substantial to eat before you head out drinking, make sure your phone is fully charged when you're going out, make sure you have money for a taxi or a solid plan for getting home (that doesnt involve getting into a car driven by someone who has been drinking) when you're out.

That way, the daughter will take her seriously. Ranting about rape, kidnapping, and murder (especially when you imply the victim is at fault through being drunk) will only start an argument at best and at worst alienate the daughter in a serious way.

You're not crazy for feeling the way you do, you're a worried parent and she's your only child, she will always be your baby but you have to let her spread her wings, try new things and just quietly let her know you're always there for her

This is good advice.

Being drunk can get her raped, kidnapped, murdered etc. I'm sure these same mothers telling you otherwise will come and cry when something horrible happens to their child as result of being drunk.

I find this such a despicable thing to write @Lilly1812.

Thoughtless and uneducated.

You can't know many university students if you don't think that being drunk is normal behaviour.

I don't think it's very helpful or true to tell the OP that her daughter is not behaving normally by drinking and not participating in extra curricular activities during the first year of her university life.

You can't keep adult children under your control for their whole lives. You just have to do your best to make sure they know how to be an adult when that time comes.

I would say if she wants to act grown, let her be grown. Don't constantly contact her, text her saying "if youre going out tonight, let me know you get home safe and have a blast!" That's all she needs.

Do NOT leave the bank of mum open for her and fund her lifestyle, she can get a job, if she doesnt already have one, and fund her own life. Don't drop everything for her and make yourself readily available all the time (unless it's an emergency) You're the parent and you're in control.

You're not crazy for feeling the way you do, you're a worried parent and she's your only child, she will always be your baby but you have to let her spread her wings, try new things and just quietly let her know you're always there for her.

Seeing some of the rude replies on here shock me. Youre doing nothing wrong. She's your only baby and you have every right to be concerned, but her behaviour is relatively normal.

For a bit of reassurance, I went to uni, I went out partying and then I dropped out of uni, moved to a different town with a new boyfriend and lied to my parents for months telling them I was going to uni when I wasn't. When my parents found out I dropped out they lost their minds!
But I'm now 27 with a mortgage, a stable job and a stable relationship (Not the one I got in when I moved here). Let the girl live but don't molly coddle her forever, you may be her mother but she has to learn and she will be grateful for you in the long run.

Don't listen to those telling you being drunk and making a mess out if yourself is a normal behaviour. Its never normal at any age.You are actually a good mother who is worried about your child. Being drunk can get her raped, kidnapped, murdered etc. I'm sure these same mothers telling you otherwise will come and cry when something horrible happens to their child as result of being drunk. Just because your child is an adult doesn't mean you can't advise as a mother. I will say, have a word with her and discuss your worries. Who knows, she might listen to you.

I’d shed an adult at University it’s none of your business. Why are you paying can’t she get a loan?

I really empathise with you although I have no advice or wise words.... I'm sorry. My daughter sounds very very similar and she is only in year 10! She is 14. I'm a single parent too, no other children and I am at my wit's end too. I hope somebody on here can help you, it's really really tough I'm sorry..💞

Freshers are a pain in the ass. Luckily they run out of money after a term

My dd dropped her sports when she started university but she took them up again when she went into second year. I think that whole freshers thing 'sign up to this, sign up to that' was all a bit much.

I let her crack on with her social life etc. Obviously I don't want her dead in a ditch but she has to make her own decisions now.

I also don't get involved with her finances. We had a 'budget meeting' at the start of the first year before she went where we talked about how much money she had after rent. It wouldn't cross my mind to pay for her passport if she lost it.

She will hopefully get tired of the drunkeness and not have the money to continue to that level? Her coursework will be more difficult if she's spending chunks of her weekends partying then recovering so that could be a wake up call or you could get lucky like I did. My daughter's friend turned out to have a big drink problem and my daughter was horrified to see how she behaved and the aftermath! She reigned in her drinking as a result and tried to get her friend to reach out for professional help.

Hiya Am a grandma to 5 granddaughters,they have had all these problems from there teens onwards,The eldest as been the worst 17 it was a nightmare, staying out, drinking you name it we had it.She tried and tried to explain why,we sat and talked to her tried to make ground rules nothing seemed to work .The only thing we did differently was to make sure she knew she was loved and no matter how she behaved we whould always be there for her.Eventually she dropped bout of college and applied for a receptionist at our local Doctors,she is on apprenticeship now.Earning her own money and loveing her job.She as totally changed,respectful,no longer drinking, saveing for a holiday with her friends.It lasted 2 years and now am glad to have a beautfull granddaughter.It isnt your fault its down to her, she is in a big world now and trying to do everything at once,sit her down ask her why,dont fall out see if you can meet her half way.Most of all tell her you love her and tell her no matter what you will always be there..and help her through her mistakes.xx

It’s a rare student who doesn’t cut loose / drink too much / go a bit wild / when they live away from home for the first time. However annoying it was, she won’t be the first or last person to lose a passport.
Giving up sport? So what? She can pick it up again whenever she wants, and if she doesn’t that’s ok. It’s a massive overstretch to imagine her raped or dead. She’s doing what teenagers do. As long as communication is open and she’s respectful when she’s home, there’s nothing unusual here. But what is costing you a fortune? If you think you’re paying for her alcohol consumption it’s your prerogative to stop coughing up.

Don't give her money beyond essentials. If she wants more money, she needs to work. But otherwise you need to leave her to it, she's an adult. Dropping hobbies and drinking sounds very standard for a fresher.

She's testing and trying things to find out who she is not in relation to home and parents. Be patient, don't rise to it, and don't criticise (except rudeness, of course).

I can understand and relate as well.Anyways I think it's time to change tactics with her and the best way to do this is to equip yourself with some tools such as gentle communication.I found a book on Amazon titled how to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.As they grow up unfortunately we need to adapt our approach and learn how to negotiate rather than use ultimatum s.Hope this makes sense.

I don't know all of the details of your Life but I was in a similar situation more than a decade ago.
I have more than one child though and went through a divorce and as time went on and my youngest was the last one at home became hostile ,yelling : I'm going to live with Dad!!!!!" ( If knew this is what HE WANTED")
She also threw objects across the room nearly missing me.
She eventually was ' Spirited away' by EX and new wife.
Where I always ,from then on, felt like The Poor Relation in family dynamics and still do. Hardly mixing in family occasions.
My QUESTION to you is: Is someone in your family POISONING her against you. If so : Hand the financial responsibility of her, to THEM.

That's odd. I stayed in a rented house over the summer and signed on. 2nd year, 1984.