Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

This is great advice. I was a a mature student (28) when I started as an undergraduate. Inevitably, most (not all) of my friendship group were also mature students. We all loved it, never missed a lecture etc!

I think she's just spreading her wings.
When she's home set some boundaries around how she talks to you, but also consider how you talk to her in these situations. I know it's difficult.
A lot of teenagers can get silly with alcohol and go on to be perfectly normal members of society (I was one!)

When mine were at uni I found the best phrase to use with them was “you’ll figure it out”. And they did.

my son went to uni in the USA so lots of different worries there and despite being arrested by campus police,which was terrifying, he did figure it out and learned how to behave.

my daughter was wild in her first year, but soon settled down, worked part time and loved her course and made lasting friendships.

Both of them knew that they could call any time and we would figure it out together if it was big stuff, but mainly they did it themselves.
Your daughter will be fine, just keep the lines communication open and take care of yourself.

Oh I’m in the same boat. My daughter talks different, acts different, drinks a ton and told me to F off over Xmas because I told her not to roll her eyes at me. So I’ve put it down to her being independent for the first time in her life. She has moved 200 miles away. I don’t overly worry about her drinking as her uni friends sound really decent. They’ve helped her multiple times when drunk. There’s no point me telling her to not drink so much because she won’t listen. I know I wouldn’t have at 18. I think if I were u, which I seem to be, just let it ride out. Give advice when necessary but ride out the storm. I was so rude and irresponsible at that age, but I think I’m ok now!

As a uni prof I can confirm that far too many students see it as a lifestyle where academics and studying come last. Without fail, our ‘mature’ students get far more out of the experience than 18yr olds who are not ready for uni life. Coming to uni after a gap year really helps. Perhaps give her an ultimatum or just stop paying and have her intermit and make her work for a year or two and return once she is no longer so self-destructive and irresponsibly

You can't "not allow" someone to behave a certain way if they're away at university. If you make continued financial support contingent on certain approved behaviour, they'll just stop telling you what they're up to.

The only thing she can do is speak sensibly to the daughter about drinking and taking care of her personal belongings, and be firm at home that language and attitude need to be respectful.

@shines1 I can’t speak from a parenting perspective but from a badly behaved daughter perspective.

I was putting myself in some very risky situations due to friendship group, drink and drugs. After 2(ish) years my Mum sat me down and very clearly and calmly (and emotionally) told me all about how she felt and that she was waiting for a call from the police to tell her I had been raped or murdered. She told me about men who intentionally go out looking for women who are vulnerable and hunt for them. She was a true crime fan so gave LOTs of examples.

I definitely dialled down my behaviour after that and was more cautious about my behaviour. Don’t get me wrong I was still behaving badly at times.

20 years later I’m tee-total and panic about overdosing on vitamin D and magnesium supplements and follow all the rules. Maybe you could have a honest and vulnerable conversation with her?

I also have a daughter and I’m dreading the minute she is old enough to leave the house without me. I have no idea how I’m going to navigate all this!

My brother turned into a drug addict at uni, said it was rife there and had lived a sheltered life before going. He ended up dropping out and coming home where he had no access to drugs and got clean. He works a normal job now, has no degree though. But is happy. Sure she will work it out.

Is her mental health ok acted like that before I sank into depression

Now she's no longer a child you need to create your adult relationship, which involves setting boundaries for both sides.
You need to accept that she has autonomy for how she behaves in terms of her studies and social life, and you will only now be able to advise not instruct, and learn to cope gracefully when your advice is ignored. You can set limits on how much you'll do to pick up the pieces though, and make that clear, eg, not providing limitless cash or sorting out admin from lost passports etc, but always there in an emergency of she feels unsafe for example.
In the other side, she needs to accept you are a human being not a second class citizen/bank/servant/emotional punch bag, and as such need to be treated with courtesy and respect, and that if she can't do that then you won't engage until she does.

Hi, you’re getting a lot of bad advice., normal doesn’t equal good or healthy as the “new normal” is skewed to the pathological with so much depression, addiction, mental health issues etc. You are totally right to be worried.

At 18 she should be working a job and learning the value of the money she is wasting. She should save and pay for her education so she values it. Besides that she will learn character lessons

What is being taught in uni is nonsense to the point where a regular college degree is not preparing anyone for a successful career, it is almost useless, and yes, unfortunately it is”normal” for people to have an extended, pathological adolescence frying her brain with booze, etc.

In my experience the people who are the most successful are the ones whose parents tell them to work and pay rent. At least for a year. Uni is toxic but it’s a big industry that parents l/kids are bamboozled into supporting with some false idea that it is necessary to have a good job, life, etc.

if she isn’t an academic on track to becoming a licensed professional where the degree is essential (medical doctor etc) I would make her work and learn some humility. It really is not in her best interest to let her keep in this path.

It's difficult when they first leave for Uni and it must be even harder for you as a single parent. It takes them a while to find their feet and often this means mixing with people who don't necessarily have the best effect. Try to be patient (I know it's hard) but she will hopefully find her right balance and calm down. The drinking culture is massive at University and it's easy to get caught up in it. I hope things improve between you.

As a parent you need to stop trying to be an engineer and start being more of a shepherd.

You cannot design and refine how she is or what she does but you can guide and nurture.

Hiya, teenagers are hard work in general so I think once they finally get to be an adult they may potentially go a bit nuts.
I think all you can do is guide her and offer advice and check in. However if she's being disrespectful that's not on as whatever age she is you're still her parent.

What I would say is just remind her to be safe. Always go home with friends, walk in groups and if she's been drinking to be extra careful.

My eldest is a 15 year old boy, however I remember at that age I was not the nicest person. I'm a well rounded adult now. My mum still tells me off for things like vaping and I'm 44 with my own house, car and two kids 😆 🤣. That's just what mum's do, just remind her you do it because you care. X

It’s not about ‘allowed’ by the parent. 18 = adult under the law. She can make all of the choices she is making and no one has the authority to stop her 🙄

My Dd had a major attitude change when she was 17, just as you say rude and disrespectful, so thankfully got it out of the way before she went to uni However she did fully embrace uni life, thankfully there was a pub next to her halls so she and her friends didn't have far to stumble home🙄. I drummed it into her to keep herself safe, and I also made sure we kept communication up so I knew she was ok. Other than that nothing you can do except hold your breath and wait for it to pass. My Dd is 3rd year now and has a lovely group of friends. If she doesn't settle down towards end of first year I would be having words though, because years 2&3 are the marks that make your final grades. Good luck

Hi, collage/university students this is actually normal behaviour, young 18 years olds plus like to party, they overly drink they overly party and try and cram everything else in, so no longer have time for sports (sometimes) this over spending and drinking best way to end it is help with the fees of university and nothing else she will be forced to provide for herself which is what this time in her life is about. When you stop being bank of mum and accepting her way of talking to you she will walk over you and it will get worse (I know people in their 40s (no kids) who still use bank of mum) this is your time to enjoy your life, make sure your bills are payed your food your social activities, before helping your daughter, at first was different while she learned how to manage money/time in real life, let her stand up and become independent which she needs to be or you will be there when time comes left holding her kids while she has fun.. look at the long run, we know what we need to survive and the skills we need to survive real life she needs to learn these things to. And can’t fully rely on you for rest of her life. If I was you I’d book myself a holiday and enjoy myself if she has to be rude well then get out there and live for you! She will soon learn x

Oh, for heavens sake. The OP will have already advised her. The only option now is to let her learn from the consequences of her own behaviour, or do you have a magic solution to this age old problem?

Oh gosh, I went through this with my DD. I feel for you, it was incredibly tough.

Some people will suggest this is just normal teenager stuff but you know your daughter, right? It sounds like she's going through a rebellious, detachment phase like mine did. It was torture. She refused to look after her own welfare and I nearly died of fear trying to track her down etc.

In the end I had to adopt a strategy of neutrality around it all. Not engage with it. Hope for the best. The reality is I had no control, and I had to accept that. It was such a tough time but reflections on it now it's over.

They just don't get it, especially when they see others doing "the same". She had wild friends who would stay out all hours, get drunk, do drugs, etc.

She did apologise afterwards for how hard it was for me. She now doesn't do it that often, it's settled down.

But I agree it's hard. The main thing for me was accepting I couldn't control her but I could put boundaries in for myself.

This is a bit of a long watch but it does make perfect sense …
our DCs are adolescents until age 27. It’s all good and well saying ‘she’s an adult’, she doesn’t have an adult brain yet though. As for the rudeness…I’d recommend a short sharp shock to let her know that isn’t acceptable!

Even then it would only be your business to a limited extent. Of course this hurts and worries you, but there is nothing you can do about it. She will learn from having to deal with the consequences of her own behaviour. I hope you didn’t sort the lost passport for her. You need to take a step back and allow her to learn the hard way. Don’t try to advise her. She will have heard it all before and won’t listen. If she is living at home, tell her she must speak to you with respect and do her share around the house (she would have to if she lived in shared student accommodation) or she has to find somewhere else to live and importantly, mean it!

I was a nightmare from 17 until my early 20s. I feel bad now I have my own child re how I was towards my parents. Drinking, socialising, boys and party drugs were my main priority and I saw my parents as an obstacle and as people who didn’t understand me to be honest. Looking back though it was pure immaturity and self centred behaviour. They just let me get on with it, learn my own lessons and the phase passed. Am sure she will come out the other side.

I know someone who was at Leeds university when the Yorkshire ripper was killing women, one night a victim was killed behind their property. They said at that age you feel immortal