DS is not sure if he wants to go to uni in September

Financially it really can matter. You will be paying for something you will not get and reducing the length of loans for another course. Not all parents can afford the try it out scenario. It’s better not to start then give up. Life will be closer after results day but if he doesn’t want to go then, start talking again. He won’t necessarily be able to sort himself out and I’m not sure he’s bothered about his subject choice either. Reality is setting in.

So normal for him to feel this way. It's a scary time as he thinks he's making lifelong decisions (whereas in reality it probably won't matter if he starts something now and then changes his mind later on). Also the current batch of uni students have had a disrupted time with covid and strikes - he may have heard negative things about uni from current students or in the news?

Do nothing. They all feel like this in the run up to results. He needs you to be calm at the moment, and just say placating 'Oh OK that's fine' or 'Yes I'm sure we can sort something out'.

It's eleven days away. Grit teeth and smile benignly.

Don't frame it as a "year out" then. Ask him what he plans to do if he doesn't go to university. Make it clear that you will not support him to sit around and do nothing but are quite happy for him to decide he wants to get a job (paid or voluntary), apprenticeship, do further non-university study or do something like travel (or whatever options you would be happy with!)

With the pressure off he may actually decided in a year or so that he does want to go after all, and can reapply then. Or he may choose an entirely different path, and that will be ok too.

I would recommend he defers by a year, gives him breathing space, but only on the condition he works

Are you sure he isn't anxious about leaving his home , family friends? This is difficult for lots of young people and all the performative excitement can get really overwhelming. He might just be a bit scared.

Also, have any of his mates, or family, been negative or made fun of his choices? We discovered this about DS1 when we unpicked some anxieties.

I really feel for you OP. Genuinely think our teens have suffered, partly through COVID and are struggling with the need to ‘be successful’. My daughter is the same age, and although she knows what she wants to do, she is terrified of life changing and moving on. In some ways she’s very mature, but in others, she’s happy in her life now.
Do you talk to your DS about what he wants his life to look like? What kind of environment he would like to live in, what activities he would like to do when he isn’t at work, how far he’s happy to be from family, whether he wants a partner, children, pets in future. What kind of home he wants to live in? Sometimes those conversations can help put a framework around a life for him and can lead to more understanding of what kind of work he can do and where.

I agree. I defo think the op needs to back off a bit. He’s clearly motivated and driven, he doesn’t need her breathing down the back of his neck and ‘getting frustrated’ that he won’t take a gap year. While I guess a gap year can be good for a lot of people, I’ve only known them to end in disaster, with people not ending up doing anything at all after the year and ending up in a dead end job. Leave him alone, let him get his results and decide what he wants to do from there

The anger is probably because he feels stressed and confused .

I'd let him think for a bit, and not pressure him just yet.

I was so glad I took a year out, I worked so I had savings and I also , by doing a few different jobs,.learnt a lot about myself and the world and went to university with a much clearer idea why I was there (plus the savings meant I could enjoy it more!)

He could also do with maybe doing some voluntary work to experience something relevant to social work. I did sail training (we took groups of children with their social workers) and helped at youth clubs before and during university. I didn't ever intend to go into social work etc I just did it to "give back" but it also taught me so much about the world and about the challenges some children face

I'd let him think for a bit, and not pressure him just yet.

I was so glad I took a year out, I worked so I had savings and I also , by doing a few different jobs,.learnt a lot about myself and the world and went to university with a much clearer idea why I was there (plus the savings meant I could enjoy it more!)

He could also do with maybe doing some voluntary work to experience something relevant to social work. I did sail training (we took groups of children with their social workers) and helped at youth clubs before and during university. I didn't ever intend to go into social work etc I just did it to "give back" but it also taught me so much about the world and about the challenges some children face

Social work can be a terrible choice for the half hearted! It’s a tough job when you get into it. Often poorly managed with lots of stress due to very high workload. You have to be keen and highly organised to cope. He sounds like a student who wanted something vocational but didn’t know what. I would be wholly unsure that this is the right choice as he does seem immature if he’s getting angry.

Therefore I would just let him step back if he wants to. Maybe a year of maturing and even seeing another route into work would be good and better for him. Has he ever volunteered or worked with children/elderly/vulnerable people? If not, social work is a gamble. If he takes a year out, he would be better advised to sample volunteering or working with a client group and see if this really is for him. Or not. However this needs to be done quite quickly if he wants to reapply or change degree after results.

If he doesn't know what to do for a gap year, university will help him mature and move on with his life. It's a good halfway house. Social work is easy to get jobs in at the moment and won't be replaced by AI so a great choice.

He could work / work and travel for a year. He might decide not to go to uni in the end and that's ok. If he's considering social work I think he needs to really know about the reality of the job, I read on here that it's a career with a large drop-out rate. As long as he's doing something leave him be for now.

So what does he see are his options if not a degree?

Ok! Message loud and clear from your DS. 😬 Like another pp says back off and don’t mention it. It may sort itself out at results day. Also, he may actually want to go just nervous about results, the move etc. Has he actually said he’s not keen anymore?

I think this is incredibly typical of our cohort of teens. They’re putting pressure on to do well and always looking for the next thing. Maybe teens have always found it hard to just ‘be’, and just don’t stop and smell the roses etc. I don’t know, as I only know teens in the current years. We need to rephrase ‘taking a year out’ and a ‘gap year’ as there’s no gap or out about it. It’s actually giving heads and hearts a fabulous opportunity to consolidate, to think, to enjoy. He could continue at the garden centre to give him some breathing space and look at what else is out there in the meantime?

If your and your sons finances can manage it he could always go to Uni, give it a try and then drop out if he doesn't like it. As long as he does it earlier enough then you can get back course fees and accommodation fees in some Uni halls. (CHECK the details with the actual Uni). It also possible to change courses fairly easily in some unis for some courses.

I hope he knows it's completely normal to not be sure what you want to do at Uni. One of my kids hadn't a clue what to do so did maths and then when she graduated she still didn't know what she wanted to do. She had done work experience but nothing grabbed her. After a year she worked it all out and got a grad job. She is now qualified in her profession and very happy in her career. I'm glad she didn't feel pressurized to choose a career path earlier in her education.

I'd be tempted to just step back for the next two weeks, don't mention it unless he brings up the subject and see what results day brings.

He may find that there are more people than he expected who decide to take a year out or explore other options. Sometimes it feels as if everyone is on the 'straight off to university' train but that's rarely the case.

He has lots of options and some of those will be clearer once he has his results. Be ready to talk it through when he gets his results. There's absolutely no shame in having a year out and reapplying next year having had time to consider what he really wants to do.

Taking a year out seems the best thing to do. I can remember being 18 and feeling pressurised to choose without understanding what I wanted to do.
Will the garden centre keep him on from September with FT hours, otherwise he might need to start looking at something else. Or if he’s not FT maybe he could think about volunteering to get an idea what he might want to do?
Looking back 18 is still young. The students who’d had a year out always seemed more grown up than the rest of us.

Definitely take time out. Work, save, travel, and gain life experience. None of this is a waste.

Agree with holding off on a vocational degree if he isn’t definite on that direction as it is a lot of debt to have just for the sake of it.
I would encourage him not to think of a year out as a year just not doing anything. What he would be doing is developing his plan for how he will be sustaining himself financially in future. Travelling etc gives people a chance to reflect on their choices but you can also not travel but research different avenues and what they might mean.
It sounds like the pressure of deadlines/excitement/social norms has taken away the idea of excitement and privilege we have in this country to choose our own way of being. We don’t need to be driving forwards constantly but it can feel like it at this age. To me it seems that it would be the ideal time to be doing a bit of exploring different paths, to put the brakes on and just be for a bit.
One idea might be to look at one year foundation courses at a local college that might still have places to give something to explore while he is still figuring things out. I believe these are normally free tutition up to 19yrs?

Social work is quite a vocation. Whilst I understand his thought process around it directly leading to a job it does mean there’s not much wriggle room if it’s not quite the right choice. I also think it’s quite normal to have worries and find this decision making very overwhelming. Is it the degree choice he’s worried about or is it the uni experience, moving out and away etc? It is a lot and it is quite overwhelming! What is he saying to you?