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Original poster

Dd off to uni, boyfriend wants to help move her

62 replies

jenkel · 13/06/2023 14:36

Just trying to get a bit of perspective, dd off to uni in September, we have given her a lot of help and support to get there. She has had boyfriend since February, we find him quite difficult, try not to make it obvious and we always make him welcome but he has acted and done a few things that surprises us, hasten to add nothing to hurt dd, we are a supportive close knit family and family occasions are important to us, he barely has anything to do with his family and does not rate family time high on any agenda. Anyway he wants to help move dd into university. It’s also DH’s birthday the weekend she goes too. We kind of think that going off to uni is a bit or a right of passage and we want to be there to make sure she is ok and settled etc. We think of it as a bit of a family time. Obviously we can not stop him going but I have to say I’m not so keen on it, and I think DH would be even less keen. I’m also worried that he is going to be down there every weekend, she is going into halls. Whereas my plan was to actively stay away for a couple of months as she needs to settle in and bond with the people in her halls. So just not quite sure how to handle this one, ultimately I don’t think we have a choice, we don’t want to drive dd away and into his arms. Sometimes I think this age is way more complicated than toddler years.

OP posts:
Hazelnuttella · 13/06/2023 15:06

Are you driving her? Agree with saying there won’t be space in the car.

Or say that you’ll probably cry and you don’t want him to see that. That should embarrass her enough to put her off the idea 😁

redspottedmug · 13/06/2023 15:03

Well you can't stop him but, as others have said, there won't be space in the car. My car is an excellent load carrier, but we have to pack carefully to get 3 seats. Two is better and sometimes it's just the driver with the student following by train-

SirVixofVixHall · 13/06/2023 14:56

CatchThatBallOfFire · 13/06/2023 14:48

How big is your car? Is he coming in a separate car? Because even with basics the car is completely full. Check out the Youtube videos of packing the car for uni. That could be a brilliant reason to not take him with you and move her in. I do think it is a more of a family thing than a boyfriend thing. It is also quite emotional too, you could dissuade her by telling her that her Dad may not want to get upset in front of the boyfriend. Dh was very emotional when we left Ds1, all of us felt bereft on the car ride home.

Agree with this.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/06/2023 14:52

Do not underestimate what needs to be taken to uni. There is unlikely to be boyfriend room so unless he's taking himself? I ended up doing two round trips on the same day (North Herts to Central London) because we just couldn't take it all in one go.

I think it's more likely this relationship will fizzle as she gets settled in so I would just make him welcome for now and watch and wait. Also, I never visited my DD in halls aside from a day she wanted a trip to IKEA. She'd come home for the odd weekend if she felt like it.

CatchThatBallOfFire · 13/06/2023 14:48

How big is your car? Is he coming in a separate car? Because even with basics the car is completely full. Check out the Youtube videos of packing the car for uni. That could be a brilliant reason to not take him with you and move her in. I do think it is a more of a family thing than a boyfriend thing. It is also quite emotional too, you could dissuade her by telling her that her Dad may not want to get upset in front of the boyfriend. Dh was very emotional when we left Ds1, all of us felt bereft on the car ride home.

bibbityboppityboo · 13/06/2023 14:47

It sounds lovely for your DD that she's got her family and her boyfriend helping her move into uni halls! How lucky she's got so many people who want to help 😊

Just not liking him sounds like it'll be colouring your view, her boyfriend probably won't be going down every weekend - and even if he does, a boyfriend is not the same as someones parents turning up every weekend!

Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 14:46

jenkel · 13/06/2023 14:45

Just my immediate reaction would be to go down and see her a lot but we feel that she needs to bond with hall mates etc and parents popping down every weekend is not going to facilitate that. And I worry that if her boyfriend is going down every weekend again that will not help her to bond and make friends

Show quote history

It’s a relatively new relationship and he seems way to possessive for my liking,

OP posts:
Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 14:45

slowsundays · 13/06/2023 14:41

I don't really understand the part where you say your plan was to actively stay away but you're worried he will be there. He's not her parent. He has a very very different relationship with your daughter, both social and romantic, and her bonding with her hall mates will very much include him if she intends to stay with him at the moment. He'll be included in parties etc until she decides otherwise. He's not intruding and if he were, your daughter is an adult and could voice that with him.

Just my immediate reaction would be to go down and see her a lot but we feel that she needs to bond with hall mates etc and parents popping down every weekend is not going to facilitate that. And I worry that if her boyfriend is going down every weekend again that will not help her to bond and make friends

OP posts:
Humerushummus · 13/06/2023 14:43

Nobody keeps their pre uni boyfriend! Never fear. Just be nice and welcoming until the inevitable break up!

slowsundays · 13/06/2023 14:41

I don't really understand the part where you say your plan was to actively stay away but you're worried he will be there. He's not her parent. He has a very very different relationship with your daughter, both social and romantic, and her bonding with her hall mates will very much include him if she intends to stay with him at the moment. He'll be included in parties etc until she decides otherwise. He's not intruding and if he were, your daughter is an adult and could voice that with him.

SunshineAndFizz · 13/06/2023 14:40

You should 100% get her settled in, don't be put off going down just because he is.

Also, nearly everyone I know who had a bf before going away to uni ended up breaking up within the first term. Play it cool and let nature take its course.

slowsundays · 13/06/2023 14:39

If she wants him to help move her in, let him. Be welcoming and accepting even if you're not sure on him.

You can't stop them being together or stop him being there. All you can do is not make it so you're the bad guy here and let your daughter know if she needs you, you're there.

I'm not saying you should roll out the red carpet for him but if you're openly disdainful or seemingly rejecting his presence when your daughter wants him there, you're going to end up the bad guy.