Dd off to uni, boyfriend wants to help move her

Nobody was allowed to stay in my daughters halls. They had security too. No that's not a good idea and I doubt her housemates will appreciate it either!

I have to say the transition from child to adult and the introduction of important relationships outside of family/that compete with family has been by far the hardest part of parenting so far for me.

Of course you should be there too but I don't think BF can be excluded, unless she wants that.

That said when I took DS to to Uni it was very in and out. I wasn't there long at all.

Ooh. I'd probably try to gently discourage that. It's up to her, of course, but the first few nights are when people find their tribe. I still have friends who I met in the halls bar/ SU in freshers week 26 years ago! She'll only have that experience once and I suspect will have less of a good time if she's looking after him.

I have to agree you really are overthinking everything, they might not even still be together come September / October. I can imagine your daughters departure to uni is on your mind because every week will bring you one step closer to her leaving home. However you cannot control and plan everything now she is a young adult.
As for visiting I never visited mine, tbh they preferred to come home.

Now that is a bad idea.
A very bad idea.
That first night is VITAL.

My daughter's uni left a huge welcome pack in the kitchen with games and cans of beer and coke to break the ice.

Also worth bearing in mind that whilst occasional visits from guests staying over are rarely not allowed, they are often limited to a couple of nights a month/term.

And, however lovely your daughter is, having her boyfriend staying over the first night has given the rest of her house/floor/landing/corridor the impression that she's flaky, she can't cope without her boyfriend being there, she's not going to socialise with the others etc etc.

That's a good idea.

As grandparents are close by, I'd probably go with 'we're visiting X in November. Do you fancy meeting up for lunch?'

Be available but let her call the shots.

PS parents popping down to see them also generally means meeting them and taking them for lunch rather than anything else, so you are unlikely to stop her from bonding by doing that.

I went to see mine in November and as we're a long way away and I had days off work, I stayed in a hotel for 4 nights. We met every evening for dinner then back she went to campus (probably to get dressed up and go out ) while I toddled off back to the Premier Inn.

Surely parents,and boyfriend visiting are very very different things. 😂 Teenagers don't want their parents hanging round, watching what they're doing, taking to their friends. 😂 How embarrassing. But if course they want to be with their boyfriends. Until they don't.

As for making friends, it'll be fine. When I first went off to uni, I had to live at home for the first few term. I still made good friends and had a great social life.

I work at a uni. Trust me, you'll feel so much calmer knowing she's got a boyfriend in those first few weeks of freshers.

I do get what you're saying about him being there though, there's always one flat where one girl's bf practically moves in and it makes the other girls resentful that they've got a spare wheel/new freeloading room mate. But for what it's worth, I've met more girls trying to process awful encounters they had in freshers with other boys than I have those who regret having a proper boyfriend in first year.

You're overthinking everything.

It's June. She's going in September. They've been together only since February. They might not even be together in September.

If they are, and she wants him to be involved in her moving in weekend, then you need to let him. After that, it's up to them whether she sees him every weekend or not.

I don't really understand your point about you visiting her either. It all sounds very regimented. Just see how it goes. She might want to come home every other weekend, she might not come home till Christmas. She might want you to visit before mid November. She might not want you at all.

Moving in really in any case isn't that much of a rite of passage. (that I think would be Fresher's week) It's chaotic, there are people everywhere, it's fun and energetic but you just chuck the boxes in, take them to Sainsbury's and for some lunch, then leave them to it. Anything they've forgotten, they get from town in the following days. You can bond over a borrowed fork as well.

When I got a new boyfriend in my first year at uni, my parents just stopped visiting me as much because they felt he he was always around and weren't keen on him. The boyfriend didn't last but I felt rejected by my parents and our relationship never really recovered. Remain present in her life (and discuss how often you should visit, as she settles in) and wait things out.

@StarchySturgess1 I think you meant me!

You really must not use money to control who she sees @jenkel . Now she is an adult, ask her!!! Paying doesn’t give you rights. We paid. Thousands and thousands of parents pay. She should be acquiring another life. We waited until we were invited. We didn’t ever assume we could pop in. Will you be demanding she works in your town after graduating too? Where does it end? You pay because you are helping DD on her way. To be independent. Once a term is not too bad but you did not originally say this. You have also said how close family is and want to exclude her boyfriend. It sounds like you wish to check up on her.

If he’s got his own car he load up, brilliant why not, it will help out. If he’s planning on getting a lift with you I’d say no there won’t be room.
having a boyfriend visiting at uni is totally different to family visiting. He’ll presumably just go out with her and her friends. She’s 18, you sound overinvested

This is a bit of a leap. Earlier you said Just my immediate reaction would be to go down and see her a lot which implies much more regularity than once a term. @jenkel is right in that visiting too often is a bit stifling and it needs to be led by her.

I also think it's a bit rubbish to use the "we're funding it" as some kind of bargaining chip about visiting.

As far as the boyfriend goes, she's unlikely to stay with him but you can't really control whether he comes or not, it's up to your daughter. You can always say "we're going to book dinner for just the three of us on X night as a going away/good luck treat" and emphasise that it's just for you two and your daughter.

@jenkel To be honest, you sound controlling. Let DD decide. You really should not even think about visiting all
the time. There will probably be a natural break up anyway! Just let her sort out her friends. You aren’t in control at uni.

Does your daughter want BF to help ? If so I think you just need to accept it .
We took all three of ours to Uni and each time I followed on the train so having 2 cars will probably be helpful TBH .
Also we really didn’t hang around because mine all wanted to settle in without Mum and Dad there fussing !

Definitely go for the emotional/crying angle then to DD. He can visit her on the weekend when she is settled and has sorted her room out.

If you have an inkling he might be bad news then i think you need to follow her lead and keep anything than can be construed as negative comments about him strictly between you and DH. If you happen to sense that she might be reticent to have him come with you you could say to her something like "is everything ok? If you'd rather he didn't come then I'm happy to be the bad guy so you can tell him there's no space in the car?". But other than that, just go with what she wants and make sure you seem happy with that set up. Let him be the one who ruins the vibe or makes things awkward so that she can learn to spot red flags. If you seem off in your manner than she (he) can pin any problems on you and it becomes difficult for her to develop her spidey senses for bad relationships. New uni friends will hopefully tell her if they find him weird or controlling! Obviously continue to ask careful questions and chat to her about how things are going, and be available for her to express any doubts to.