Are Smaller Unis More Nuturing? Your experiences please

It's interesting that some posters don't think it's a University's job to be nurturing.
We met with a friend a few years ago - who's a Professor at Stanford and he'd just been given this role - to look after the new students - they had recognised that their incredibly bright students were increasingly unable to cope with socialising and looking after themselves and needed someone to help them adjust - he was struggling to remember whether that was something that had changed over the years or whether society was just recognising it more - anyway, they did see it as their job. Maybe you need to pay $50k a year to get that kind of support!

Cardiff Metropolitan University? It has two campuses. I'd say pastoral care was excellent.

Try for big university, small course, perhaps. Best of both worlds for shy students.

Make sure he's passionate about it. Mostly agree lecturers won't work on his social life directly, but do see if he'll have a personal tutor. Is there a society related to the course. Are there field trips. Who teaches the first years, and are there small group classes.

He only needs a few good friends, so agree following his passion should be a priority.

I should also add that my daughter is shy and is neuro- atypical too.
She's had a great time at York.

York!!!

The collegiate system and the styks and styms are amazing.

They don't let anyone hide in their rooms, freshers week was so great (pre pandemic this is)

Colleges are homely and each one us quite small

Highly recommend it

I was going to say a collegiate university too. Like @KingdomScrolls I went to a large Bailey college at Durham and despite being quiet and shy when I got there it suited me perfectly, with pastoral tutor support and two pools of students to make friends with, college and department.

We also had a questionnaire prior to accomidation allocation asking if we wanted to be with other students on our course and whether we were night owls or early birds etc

I would disagree and say go big. The bigger the uni, the more likely he will find likeminded people as there will be more groups and clubs. What does he like doing? My uni was a massive campus one but with clubs from orienteering and rambling, to gaming, religious, amazing orchestra and choir, sports, ballet, musical theatre, all sorts! I was in halls where everything was catered so I had to meet others. I had a shared bathroom with one other person. Didn't want sharing with loads and thought ensuite too isolating. It was great.

It might be worth looking at student satisfaction tables. Not sure how to link to them, but lots come up if you Google it. The Guardian one is quite comprehensive.

I went to Cambridge then Imperial (PhD) and the difference could not have been more stark. Admittedly this was 20 years ago but to go from somewhere where someone on your course would knock on your door if you missed a lecture to check you were ok to somewhere where an 18 year old could be left in their room with flu for a week and not be missed (despite being in halls) was a real shock. I was horrified! So yes, there can be big differences and I would hope that a collegiate university might provide more support. None of my undergraduate friends ended up as non functioning adults due to support, despite what some advocates of ‘they’re adults they should just suck it up’ here might think. And I don’t think Imperial’s massive drop out rate was a surprise given the lack of pastoral care I saw.

My Ds was also very shy (and young) starting uni so I had similar worries about him.

He chose a campus uni so everything was close together on a smallish site. Self catered as he enjoys cooking and that meant he spent time in the shared kitchen.

We encouraged him to bake in freshers week & share his cakes!

We also got him to agree to leave his gaming PC at home so that he was not tempted to spend all his free time in his room.

I think it’s things like the above that will help a shy person make friends. Good Pastoral care is really a separate issue if they have particular issues while they are there.

I went to a collegiate university and it did help. However, the biggest thing that I found useful was joining things. I was part of a sports club and a couple of societies that helped broaden my social network. In simple terms it meant there were more familiar faces and people to chat to in the bar.

DS1 is off to Uni this year and has already left for preseason sports training so by freshers week he will already know a fair number of people.

I just popped on to say, in my experience of a variety of University settings, it is the ethos of the uni itself not the size that is most important. Even given that some departments will be more supportive than others due to various factors like size etc.

Dd can be anxious in some situations. It is helpful to remind ourselves that those social communication issues don't necessarily have to last forever. I can already see a bit of a change in her just through having her summer job which is encouraging

Harking back to the opening post...
He seems fine but I must admit I don't understand him at all so trying to pick a nurturing uni so he becomes more social and confident.

Leaving aside the point that this is university, not primary school - it's up to him to choose where he wants to study- if you don’t understand him at all, then why are you trying to dictate where he should go? Seriously, the process in which the student

• decides what they want to study
• looks at which universities offer it and where course(es) offered look the most interesting / potentially useful
• and the entry requirements are achievable
• and the location / accommodation / social offer suit

really does work for most people.

What does he want to study? Some subjects like e.g. History or Biological Sciences, offered practically everywhere, but others e.g. certain languages, or specific combined honours, at far fewer universities. By all means, be doing some looking yourself (I've loved having a poke around various courses and universities, online and in person, during the process with all three of ours), but in order to to be able to offer informed guidance, not to choose on his behalf.

The UCAS website itself (not just an application fom) and The Student Room are good places for (both of) you to have a rummage.

I think some universities are more supportive of students than others and they should all have mental health support. I hear good things about Edge Hill and Keele, so they may be worth a look if they do the OP's son's desired course. And maybe Hull?

I agree a campus university is probably easier to navigate than one that isn't although a smaller city may be ok too.

I went to a large university in a large city for my degree then a small university in a small town for postgrad. I am a quiet person and much preferred the smaller uni. In that particular town, the university was quite dominant and the whole town had a university feel about it. Everyone went the the same places. In a city, the university was only a small part of it.

I'd think about looking at a campus university in a smaller town. Obviously, there are no guarantees, but he might find it easier to mix in that sort of environment.

My Oxford college had peer supporters, welcoming student events etc. No-one would drag you out of your room, but there was a support structure if you reached out to it. It was easy to get to know people in a college structure. On the other hand the workload was tough and terms were short, which made it a quite pressured environment. I liked it overall but had some friends who hated it.

Does your DS have any specific interests? He might be best off with a uni that has a good club for his interest, that will give him a ready-made social life and a group of people he's likely to click with.

There's nothing worse than being the "odd one out" due to shyness, social anxiety, etc., if everyone around you is a party animal - you either try to join in and get stressed/anxious, or you stay in your room and have to put up with the noise and after-party debris.

My DS chose a quiet flat because he really didn't want to end up in a party flat. It wasn't because he wanted to be anti social or hide in his room. He's quite shy etc but happy to meet up in small groups or 1-2-1. His "quiet" flat has been ideal for him because the others were just the same, so they mixed a lot doing things other than partying/drinking etc. which none of them have been interested in. But, covid permitting, they were going out for meals almost every week, going for days out to the likes of escape rooms, etc.

I think "quiet" is code for not wanting drunken parties, drugs and casual sex in the flat, rather than the dictionary definition which would suggest them wanting to hide in their rooms!

SM is great - my DS had 'met' all his flatmates well before moving in day. But they still had to meet face to face which for some is really hard - especially if they really don't click.

[quote Seeline]@Badbadbunny - no I appreciate that, but if all the students have specifically asked for a quiet flat, there is a fair chance that they are all quite shy and not happy meeting new people. I just think it's better to have a mix of people so that some of the more confident ones can get things started.[/quote]
Things are different now with social media. The first thing they did on moving in day was set up a group chat. They were all posting on it straight away, all from their own rooms behind closed doors whilst they were unpacking and setting up their rooms! It's the modern equivalent of door stops! Makes things much easier for the shy ones as they're often happier posting on SM than dealing with new people F2F, especially in groups, as most shy people can cope OK on a 1-2-1 basis, but struggle if they're in the kitchen with, say, 7 other people!

@Badbadbunny - no I appreciate that, but if all the students have specifically asked for a quiet flat, there is a fair chance that they are all quite shy and not happy meeting new people. I just think it's better to have a mix of people so that some of the more confident ones can get things started.

Suggest he goes nearer to home then its easier to get away. Also campus universities a good idea. My first thought was Lancaster but that's because it was the nearest campus uni to where I lived as a child.

Durham also struck me as a good one. Better academics. Some rumours of being dominated by private school kids who are very snobby though!

He should choose a uni based on his academic prospects and future plans.

Will he choose close to home if you suggest it?

You say you are at the beginning of looking so is he going onto Y12 or is he younger? I would say that most of the kids I have known have grown up a huge amount between starting 6th form and going to uni two years later. There is a fair chance that your DC will have learnt to cope better in social situations by the time he goes.