DS probably dropping out of uni. DH horrified.

^The exactly was with ref to Tilapias post about how easy it is to change after a year etc.

He's only been there a few weeks - these things take time to settle. To drop out so soon over an easily remedied social situation would be premature and a bit much, unless he is truly hating the course too.

At his age his girlfriend shouldn't be a factor, and could be hindering his personal and social life.

It took me until just before the Christmas break to settle into uni life when I went. I remember writing a totally depressing blog in the October about how I could go days without actually properly speaking anyone. I would have been making a massive mistake if I had dropped out and went home because of that - what helped me was speaking to Student Services, and being offered support and ideas for making friends.

I pulled out of my first degree... best decision ever. I HATED it I was so ill and unhappy. My parents were worried... but I went back to do and different degree at a different uni and it was a much better fit and I was more informed about what I was looking for.

Just as an aside if he does make the decision he wants to leave - things might have changed - but check the whole fee thing. Because I completed the first term - I had to pay the first years fees in full, whereas if I had pulled out before the Christmas break I wouldn’t have been.

^ Exactly.

My niece dropped out of uni at Christmas. She was settled. However, they had exams straight after Christmas, and she suddenly thought she didn't want that pressure. She is now at a different 'university' (college offering uni courses) in a completely different field and is doing well. She is probably more employable then she would have been after her previous scientific course.

I would advise for your DC to see what changing accomadation is like. If not change, better to be hap.

Hi OP

It’s relatively easy to switch universities at the end of the first year. I would encourage him to stick it out for the rest of this (academic) year, with the promise that if he is still miserable he can definitely swap.

That way, he’s given it a reasonable chance. And his current year will count towards his degree, so he won’t have wasted the effort and money he has put into this year.

More sensible IMO than dropping out at Xmas and having to start all over again.

He hasn’t been there very long. If he’s in London he has ample opportunity for meeting 1000s of people.

I’d get him to stick out the year personally.

I think lots of young people struggle to adapt to university life initially, but most of them do settle in eventually. However, there is a small number who don't settle, for whatever reason. If he is really unhappy and things don't improve, then I don't think he should stick it out no matter what. A good degree is worth having, but not at the expense of his mental or physical wellbeing. Ultimately, it's his decision anyway, and not your DH's - he is an adult, after all.

Having said all that, I don't believe that two thirds of the students at his university are Chinese or other international, especially at undergraduate level. Even at the most diverse institutions, the proportions are nowhere near that high.

I can understand that it’s frustrating to be on a corridor with students who communicate with one another in their common mother tongue. However, I imagine that assuming they’re mainland born and raised ( as opposed to ABCs or BBCs or Uk boarding school educated ) they’re experiencing a fair bit of culture shock and likely to cling to one another initially. There’s also the face issue whereby Chinese people can be shy to speak to native English speakers due to their concerns over their imperfect English. Has your ds tried to initiate conversations with them in English?

I'm another who thinks he should stick it out a little longer - at least long enough to see how much (if at all) the change of accommodation helps.

I'd also be wary of dropping out for the sake of an unspecified course at an unspecified northern university: has he researched alternative courses, to be sure that he'd actually enjoy them more? What does his tutor say? And is he sure (as far as one can be at that age) that the girl in Newcastle would welcome him being nearer? Is he sure she wants such a "present" relationship, rather than a long distance one?

And I agree with the PP who cautions against catastrophising. If he is having suicidal thoughts, he needs an urgent referral to mental health services. If there are students who can't converse in English, that would be odd, but are you overdramatizing here? I have a hunch where your son might be and, if I'm right, all undergraduates will have passed a whole battery of tests, including English, so if they converse in their native language that's a choice, not an indication of lack of English language skills.

So if all those Chinese students don't communicate in English, then how on Earth do they study in an English university?

Would there be any chance of him moving to different accommodation with more of a mix of nationalities? I think it is perfectly natural that the Chinese girls want to speak to each other in their own language when they're together but it is isolating for him. He could make the effort to get to know them, as my DD did at her school and ended up making some lovely friends.

My Dd is now in her first term at uni. She doesn't particularly like anyone in accommodation and doesn't mix with them at all. Instead, she's joined quite a few clubs and societies and has made her friends there and is having a great social life. Her best friend at uni is Chinese.

I agree with PPs, you need to find out more. I don't think wanting to be near his GF or other friends is a good reason. He can visit them from time to time. If he's not enjoying the course, that would be different.

I don't think you're being dramatic at all. I would also be very concerned.

Could he move out of halls completely?
I hated halls and moved into private accommodation of campus with a couple of new graduates from a completely different subject to mine. Made my uni days much more bearable.

Sounds like Imperial to me. FWIW I worked there for a decade and found it highly unfriendly, but as academic staff, so not the same

On the other hand, we are still early in the first semester. It would probably be more sensible to complete the first year and then if still unhappy transfer to a similar course at another uni on the second year OR start again for the full three years on a different course, IF he is still unhappy next summer.

Ps three other people I encountered (out of hundreds of undergrads) did the same as me. It's not uncommon!

I can guess exactly where he is. With the grades to get in there he will easily get into an almost equally amazing and prestigious course elsewhere. If he wants to leave and reapply let him, it's his life! Just make sure he does something with the enforced gap year - work or travel.

I was isolated and lonely at University and quickly realised I had made the wrong choice - for me.

Left at Christmas and went to a different Uni the year after. Was very happy. Much more sociable Halls set up, which is really important. The first term at this other uni is all but forgotten about. Just one of those things. I paid off the loan I got for that term years ago.

Your poor DS. Your husband isn't considering his mental health at all. University is about so much more than just getting a degree. I was in a similar situation (in a flat with 5 v religious girls who I had nothing in common with). It was horrible, I felt completely isolated and ended up leaving and not going back.

No- the OP said they lack the language skills to communicate in English.

Hi @iliketosing - didn’t want to read and run, you must be really worried. I think it’s worth your DS moving accommodation if he can before trying another uni-I’ve been there, and it’s awful having to share a living space with people with whom you’ve absolutely nothing in common / who just don’t speak to you, you just feel so alone. Also I would strongly suggest that he tries out all the clubs/societies that he can, I can relate to being shy but there have to be few friendly faces around (it’s never too late, I met some of my best friends in third year when I joined a sports society that I had never tried before).

See how it goes til Christmas and then move on (or potentially re-start the year?) if it doesn’t improve? Newcastle and Leeds are fab unis, by the way, and a year out is no bad thing, but I wouldnt necessarily recommend that he moves to follow his gf (I went to uni with my long-term school bf and we split by the following Christmas-if it was meant to be we’d have been fine at different unis I think). Wishing him - and you - all the best.

My DS is similar to yours. He’s up north at Sheffield. He absolutely loves it, so much so, he is now doing his PHD there too. Fabulous place to study, great city and he’s made fantastic friends.

You only get one life, why be miserable when there are so many other great places to get your degree!

He needs to choose the Uni he wants to go to and contact them. See what they would allow/recommend from the following:

Transferring now or after Christmas into the equivalent course, perhaps making up some extra work - compare modules etc.

Finishing this year and going into second year there.

Stopping now, working and starting next year as a first year.

Having a plan will help, although it is a little early to have given it a chance and he is confusing missing his holiday friends with the lack of new ones. It sounds like the camp was unusually easy to make friends for a shy person and perhaps the uni is more typical, all it takes is one really sociable person in the camp and they essentially did it for him. How has he been the rest of the time when joining clubs or new groups? I'm only asking because if he is just scared of the new and usually tries to back out, I'd encourage him to keep at it - otherwise make his get out plan.

The gap year was an artificial environment and if he thinks he can recreate that by moving up north he's in for a shock. His biggest issue appears to be social anxiety and difficulty mixing. Until he can address that, he's going to struggle in life. So my advice would be to focus on getting him support to help him resolve the root cause which is not the foreign students or the uni but his confidence and social skills.

As pp have pointed out Cantsee this is about how these students communicate when in halls.The OP's ds can't speak their language and is therefore feeling isolated.