DS probably dropping out of uni. DH horrified.

"MY DS struggles socially which is why we advised him to go to a campus Uni."

I know it's early days, but does that advice seem to be paying off so far grumpy? Am also interested in such questions. I've been assuming a guaranteed place in hall is important in that respect (though recent threads as per previous post have caused me some concern - if you're the only non partyer with a group of 8 party people it may not help!)

Op, has your ds considered volunteering - environmental cleanup groups, for instance? fresh air, people, get to know people slowly.

Calling the phenomenon of high international enrolments a "scandal" and claiming the Chinese students (at the elite uni) "don't speak English" is pretty bad grumpy, TBF. Inflammatory, almost.

It's not somebody calmly commenting on cliques.

Oh she’s new to MN? That explains a few things.

OP is new to Mumsnet. Maybe she's gone out to walk the dog or do the shopping?

And most people have been quite understanding about the comment about the Chinese.

If he’s suffering suicidal thoughts, why are you and your H discussing whether or not he should stay at the uni?

He wants to leave, let him fgs!

Seems to me that she's thrown a quasi-racist grenade and vamooshed.

We don't know the OP's DS is in London, but if he is, I don't agree with people who say it's easier to make friends there!

In my view, it's much easier to make friends at a campus- based Uni or one in a smaller town.

MY DS struggles socially which is why we advised him to go to a campus Uni.

Have you gone OP?

I was in a similar position to your DS a few years ago, top 5 uni for my course but I got put in a shared room with antisocial girls who made my life hell, I had no escape and no opportunity for space in my own to relax. The living and social environment was not for me, but I tried my best to stick it out (for two years) because I didn't want to disappoint my parents but I ended up having a breakdown, dropped out, became suicidal because of the pressure from my parents, didn't leave my flat for months at a time because of anxiety. I am only here now because I had DP to support me. Then I had DD so couldn't return immediately, but I am going to return to my course next September once DD is two, but only because I can't face debts in five figures for no qualification to be honest. I know now I can just power through the work side without the pressures of living with other young people. I wish I had dropped out in the first term and had minimal debts, then I could justify doing something I actually want to do.

Let your DS take a while out to decide what he wants to do, no need to rush to another uni. Most will let you take up to 5 years off a course and return when you want, he may not like the other unis and by that point he won't be able to change his mind again. It is a lot of pressure at 18 to make life changing decisions let him take some time away to assess what he really wants without pressure. I have only recently repaired my relationship with my parents and I do still resent the pressure they put on me to go to university in the first place and their denial that I was too ill to continue. Your DH needs to make sure he doesn't make your DS feel he can't talk to you both or put more pressure on him, you will just end up pushing him away and making it worse.

I think ds does want to integrate does he not, but is having difficulty? The change of accommodation may help though.

I absolutely agree don't choose a university on the basis of the girlfriend being there, as it may indeed not last. But also, don't stay somewhere that you truly are miserable. However, having been reading some threads (with alarm, thinking ahead!) about the difficulties some people are having with their university accommodation sharers, it is true that different problems can arise wherever you go.

OP I think the real issue here is that ds finds it hard to make friends but would like to, and would like a good social circle? That is very common, and one of the 'hardest' social issues to address. If you're in London that is an awful lot of people, so there should be some who he will get on with, but finding them can be difficult. He is doing all the right things though by joining clubs/societies - but some of it is intangible, sending out the right signals etc (I suspect you know this!) Is he enjoying the course academically?

Bluntness 100%

So if all those Chinese students don't communicate in English, then how on Earth do they study in an English university?

They speak and understand English perfectly, but prefer to socialise in Chinese. Much like Anglo-phone expats often do abroad. If there was a uni in Shanghai with 30% US and UK students still in their teens, it's safe to say that most (not all!) of them would hang out together, and not with Chinese students, even if their Chinese was fine for studying/learning.

You need to make sure that if he does apply for another university, that you pay special attention to the aspects of his current uni that has caused this isolation

Call me cynical but I’d guess determinedly not wishing to integrate and possibly even spending time with the girlfriend would be a large part of it.

The thing is though, he met this girl on his gap year. Before he even started, he’s hardly been there and surprise surprise, he hates it, I wonder if he’s given it a chance? It can’t be one huge lucky co incidence that the uni he wants to go to is close to where she lives and the one he is at , which is far away from her, he hates.

I think I’d be suspecting that he simply wants to be with this girl so has determinedly not settled in and is throwing every excuse under the sun so he can jack it in and go be with his girlfriend.

The issue there is if the relationship ends, and he suddenly can’t tolerate being there anymore, but in addition he again doesn’t integrate because he spends his free time with her and is at a loss when the relationship ends.

However it’s his life, he’s all grown up, and he has to make his own decisions and live by the repercussions. However I can see why your husband would be concerned about his decision making process and possibly what’s driving him here. I suspect he’s very very immature. Is this his first girlfriend?

Your DS needs to drop out now. I don't think antidepressants are necessarily the answer. If he dropped out, he could have a break from the stress he's been feeling- spend time with family, his girlfriend- and hopefully feel better. He could apply for another uni, like you said up north, for next year. You need to make sure that if he does apply for another university, that you pay special attention to the aspects of his current uni that has caused this isolation.

Also meant to say it is very very early days.A huge number of students feel isolated and homesick to begin with.he is doing all the right things joining clubs and societies.I think he just needs to give it a bit more time to find his tribe.

It's a scandal no-one wants to talk about but one of the reasons he is unhappy is that he is on a corridor with 5 chinese girls who don't speak English and stick together like glue. 1/3 of his uni is Chinese, and most of them don't have the language skills to communicate in English. 1/3 are international - also v cliquey. And 1/3 are British kids who have been

OP you'll get a much better response if you omit the value judgements about whether high intakes of international students are a good idea or not. And maybe less of the "tall, beautiful, aloof" stuff too?

You're (inadvertently) putting backs up with your attitudes.

I think he needs to look into moving into different accommodation.Just moving to a different corridor might be enough. There are bound to be others not gelling with their corridor-mates.

Madreputa - ability to speak academic, technical English and ability to socialize in English are not necessarily the same. Please listen to people who have been there and are telling you that these groups do not want to speak English outside of their course. It's gotten to the point where it has to be stated that the working language in unis is English. Not only is it shockingly rude to talk in a language that isn't understood by everyone, it's also a massive health and safety risk in lab situations.

Sounds like Imperial.

OP, it seems unlikely from what you've said that it is the Uni causing your son's current issues. He has only been there a few weeks. It seems more likely that he's missing his friends from the gap year meetup. You haven't mentioned him being suicidal in your post.

Is he still in contact with his friends from the gap year? What about this girl, are they in a relationship because you just say he's fallen for her?

I can absolutely appreciate how much we worry about our children, but to say that you ended up on anti-depressants because of your son seems worrying to me. It is very catastrophic thinking which your son may do as well!

Wait until he changes accommodation and see if he is in contact with the gap year friends. If he leaves he may not get funding for that year again (going on what MN has said in the past) so see how a change of accommodation goes before making any further decisions. He is doing the right thing by getting out and about and speaking to a counsellor.

Obviously there are a lot of posters that have provided success stories here about moving Uni/changing course which is lovely and one of the strengths of MN.

So if all those Chinese students don't communicate in English, then how on Earth do they study in an English university?

The fact that universities will admit students with a baseline English level but who will struggle to communicate, particularly face to face, is well known in the sector- these students bring in over £12,000 a year and so they are very unlikely to be either excluded or to be asked to leave if they struggle with spoken English. Their written English may be ok or may be sub-standard/on the poorer side and they get correspondingly lower grades as a result, but very unlikely to be failed. The students are often bright, in my experience, but just don't quite get the amount of language input when in the UK to really make the transition to being bilingual/writing well in the second language.

In an ideal world, there would be a lot more integration between Chinese (or any international) students and UK students- if a lot of students come together and live together, this is reassuring for them in terms of culture and language, but it does reinforce existing groups. I also think UK students can be cliquey as well and exclude Chinese or other international students, especially if there are only 1 or 2 on a course. I deliberately keep an eye on that in my classes and encourage participation of everyone, even those who might prefer not to attract attention to themselves; I also offer one to one study skills or point them to the right courses at the uni which support those studying in their second/third language (as this is a recognized problem).

It's very naive to think just because you can write ok in academic English you have the language skills and confidence to fully participate in every social situation, especially if your own language is being reinforced by use all the rest of the time.

I didn’t go to Uni in London but have many friends who did. It’s not the typical British University experience, and I think it does take longer to settle and my friends tended to have a broader circle of friends and a lot more non-student friends than me or other friends at campus or smaller city universities. If he is very shy, then it is tough but it’s really early days and he certainly won’t be the only one struggling. I’d definitely give the new accommodation a chance.

It might be easy to switch Unis at the end of the academic year but wouldn't it be even easier to just pull out and reapply through UCAS so he can feel the decision is settled and do something else til then? It's only ten months. He could get some valuable work experience in the meantime.

Ps OP I went from huge city to northern Uni town when I switched. It had a much friendlier feel. And that is important. Especially for kids with a tendency to depression, as I did.