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Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

Original poster

DS probably dropping out of uni. DH horrified.

259 replies

iliketosing · 28/10/2017 08:57

DS got into an excellent uni, top 3 in the world for his course, or something. Anyway, a degree from here would set him up for life career wise. Except that a degree from an excellent uni is no good to him if he is dead from throwing himself under a train - as I am trying to explain to my DH (sorry I've never posted on mumsnet and am not entirely sure of all the abbreviations.) It's a scandal no-one wants to talk about but one of the reasons he is unhappy is that he is on a corridor with 5 chinese girls who don't speak English and stick together like glue. 1/3 of his uni is Chinese, and most of them don't have the language skills to communicate in English. 1/3 are international - also v cliquey. And 1/3 are British kids who have been consummately unfriendly to say the least. He has always been very shy and possibly, because he is tall and beautiful, seems arrogant and aloof from afar. Inside he's a specky geek. He had a gap year and went off to an organised camp in terror because of his shyness; to his joy and amazement he made friends easily and quickly with about 10 others in the group, all from up North in the UK, and actually fell for a girl from Newcastle. So now he wants to leave the amazing rep Russel group uni (in the South...) and start again next year - at Leeds/Newcastle/up North. I think that if he has made every effort to acclimatise and is still miserable by Xmas then he should leave, incurring less debt than if he stayed the year and then left. And he really is trying - he's exercising regularly, seeing a counsellor, is moving to different accomodation, has joined all kinds of groups. But remains isolated and lonely. I don't know if he should try an antidepressant, I feel sad about thinking this and that perhaps I am medicalising understandable unhappiness. My DH thinks he should stay and be miserable as he is likely to cheer up eventually and will regret forever such an impulsive and crazy move. I wonder if anyone else has been a parent in this situation? I don't feel too upset about it as I started anti-depressants a month ago!! (because of how awful I felt for him.) I feel pretty tefloned now. I wish my DS was too.

OP posts:
Doublegloucester · 28/10/2017 09:13

Give the new accommodation 2-3 weeks? I should have moved accomm but was too embarrassed and was miserable.

User24689 · 28/10/2017 09:13

I think it can easily take until Xmas to make proper friends at uni, so I would suggest sticking it out until then and reassessing.

I'm not sure what field he is studying but I will say that I got my undergrad degree from Newcastle (over 10 years ago mind) and it was an excellent uni. It has a good reputation and it is a fantastic city. He will be switching to another good institution - but if he is currrently at Oxford / Cambridge for example I can see your DH's concerns.

exexpat · 28/10/2017 09:10

How much of this is about the girlfriend? Leaving because he is unhappy where he is is one thing, but if it is more about wanting to be closer to the girlfriend, I think that is a bad move. Relationships are not exactly stable at that age, and if he moves up north and they then split up, is he going to be devastated and regret the move?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/10/2017 09:09

Poor DS. That sounds hard. I agree with you that he should switch if it isn't right for him. Is there scope for him switching now? It is so early in the year they might be able to transfer straight away which could save money.

ButFirstTea · 28/10/2017 09:09

Ultimately your son is an adult and he can make his own decisions about university regardless of what your husband thinks.

Newcastle is a great university, as is Durham, and York etc. All have great reputations and could lead to brilliant careers. The uni you went to isn't the be all and end all for the rest of your career.

I went to a uni I hated for 18 months and restarted my degree age 21 at a former 'poly' and it changed my life. I was happier than ever, got a great degree, met my now partner (together 9 years) and did a dissertation in the field I now work in. None of which would have been possible if I hadn't moved.

Your poor son needs support from you both rather than judgement but this is his decision to make about his life.

Anditstartsagain · 28/10/2017 09:06

I'm of the opinion if your unhappy leave life is to short to be unhappy. If he wanted to leave to nothing I would be concerned but he seems to have a good plan ans good life set up to go to.

He's much more likely to succeed at uni if he is happy

JennyHolzersGhost · 28/10/2017 09:05

Is he enjoying / engaging with the course? If this is ‘just’ a social problem then I think you should encourage him to stick with it. Many people have a terrible first term but then settle in - I did.
If he’s finding the course isn’t what he wants or what suits him then there’s more of a reason to move I think.

PhilODox · 28/10/2017 09:02

Stay and be miserable is never the answer.

He should either leave now, work for the rest of the year, and transfer elsewhere. Or, finish the year then transfer.

Life's too short, and he won't fulfil his potential if he's in misery.

Hoppinggreen · 28/10/2017 09:02

A degree on its own from ANY university is not enough to guarantee an amazing career, especially since he might change his mind and decide not to work in the field his degree is anyway.
If the Uni doesn't suit him then no matter how good it seems on paper then it's not right for him, it's not that uncommon for students to change universities and there are some excellent ones outside The South
However, there is the possibility that even if he is very academic Uni in general isn't for him as well
If he's really unhappy then look into the practicalities of moving