DS probably dropping out of uni. DH horrified.

Thanks Carl, that is reassuring! And yes I think 'don't expect perfection' is a very good mantra.
In some ways I think it may be harder socially than at school, living in halls - as you are even more on top of each other. (And quite often students in a flat are doing the same courses).

ok keep in mind that the majority of students are absolutely fine.

They're enjoying their independence, their new life, their course. They're not expecting perfection and are being as flexible as they can.

Their mothers are not posting much about it on MN .

However, there is a minority of students who are not happy and thriving. And they should not suffer in silence. Where possible they should be helped to resolve problems.

However there will be some unresolvable issues. And some students may feel it best to drop out. They shouldn't be made to feel a failure.

One caution though. On starting afresh elsewhere: be realistic. Communal living can be tough. Some people, especially those with social anxiety may not not it in any university.

"But in just the same way any group of students - and later on workmates - and then later on school-gate mums - can get into little groups and leave out others. Of course much of the time it is unintentional, but some people can almost "smell" loneliness and not let the afflicted join the herd."

Second sentence extremely perceptive (if I may say so?)! Hmm, so how can the lonely, or even not particularly lonely but just non socially gregarious alpha bods, be helped to make friends? One problem is that some of the students who would be their 'natural friends' ie who are also less gregarious, will have got into a group and be clinging on to it for dear life, so will not be going to welcome interlopers. Eek!

I am beginning to think the whole emphasis on university as social heaven is a) misleading (well, we always knew that!) and b) setting a minority of students up to feel like failures. Something to be said for the European way where it is really a bit more like going to work - university isn't intended to be what (sic) you live. (As far as I can tell, no actual experience of course!)

Meanwhile, I think it really really helps to have an interest or activity that you love; and to be genuinely interested in studying the subject you've chosen. Sounds obvious, but may get lost sometimes.

Haven’t read the whole thread OP but would suggest if he is at a prestigious UNI age could easily transfer to another Uni providing he still enjoys the course and the course is pretty similar? If that’s the case he can ask the UNi he fancies whether they have spaces available on his chosen course, what year he could transfer into etc. If he explains his previous study they should have a Student Money Advice Service who can advise on the Money side of things.
Although love can be relatively short lived so I maybe wouldn’t transfer to the nearest University to this girl as he could be equally as unhappy there if they fall out and she is the only reason he transferred there.

Twas always thus.

There were Sloanes in my hall in the 80s. In fact at first they mistook me for a kindred spirit and a couple of girls invited me to tea. It later reached my ears that I had been found wanting - I had not been to private school and was not rich - I was in receipt of a full grant! (Them were the days...)

But in just the same way any group of students - and later on workmates - and then later on school-gate mums - can get into little groups and leave out others. Of course much of the time it is unintentional, but some people can almost "smell" loneliness and not let the afflicted join the herd.

In the case of OP's ds it's just bad luck really that he's in a situation where the majority of people speak another language amongst themselves. You can't stop people cleaving to the familiar. Before throwing in the towel I would tell the accommodation people or whoever and beg to move.

Lady The phenomenon of the spoilt (only child) Princeling is one that is well known and lampooned in China, and I have seen teenage children who cannot even brush their own hair being waited on hand and foot by helpers in Hong Kong. However that is not every Chinese student, my DDs both have Chinese friends who are both gregarious and shy, wealthy and definitely not (arrived with one suitcase and did not leave until after finals with the same suitcase, his widowed mother had spent every last penny sending him to the UK, 3 Christmas's alone in a student house must have been a particularly sad and lonely experience).

The previous poster has highlighted that wealthy British students can be entitled and with a particular skill set of exclusion which is facilitated by universities letting them colonise certain halls. I would suggest that their banter and antics in halls and sports clubs are a far greater threat to other students wellbeing than any group of Chinese students. My DDs dismiss them as "rahs", have no respect for their illusions of superiority and know to avoid but many students will not be as streetwise and able to spot those who derive status from cliques and excluding .....

This is pretty much the same situation my daughter was in last year at Southampton. She was in halls with some very overly privileged girls who were dreadful to her. They left her out of things and ignored her. She was miserable and 10 weeks in, came home having lost masses of weight (she’s skinny anyway) and suffering from anxiety. I wished she’s come home sooner tbh. She’s now having counselling and takes Beta Blockers as has chronic social anxiety. She’s planning on going somewhere nearer home in the midlands from September 2018 as wasn’t ready to face it again this year. She’s working full time so that’s helped. My advice would be to follow your heart. If he’s struggling and there aren’t any options, get him home and start again next year. He can earn a bit of cash in the meantime and they learn lots in the ‘real’ world. Hope it all works out.

No, it's racism. Time after time people use international students as a scapegoat to try and justify why their child isn't enjoying university.

Using foul language and resorting to silly victim Top Trumps is exasperating and bandying about the term "casual racism" to try to shut down any discussion is pathetic.

And "don't speak English" - they got accepted into a British university, of course they speak fucking English.

Casual racism, lovely.

Of course the international students are going to stick to the people they feel familiar with, for the vast majority of them this is their first time in an environment they are not used to.

Interesting about the rich foreign students.

Was chatting to a dn (different one from one at Bristol!) who attends another RG university. There was some argy bargy when first starting as the Chinese students didn't get that they had to wash up/clean up a bit after cooking. There was a summit and the Chinese students said they all had staff at home and would never do a domestic chore. In fact they asked the girls in the hall if they would do the washing up etc! So if they learnt nothing else at university they found that a) however rich you are it's not going to get you out of cleaning up and b) you're not going to get far asking female peers to do it.

Whatwouldrondo
Thank you.** I am trying to aim her at university services - as I’ve said to her, they are there to help specifically because these type of problems occur and will have a ‘take’ on the situation superior to my own

I suppose it's quite 'stigmatising' to look for help if your problem is that you haven't made friends - that's one problem with using the support services. It's very good to know that they're there though.

Another problem that occurs to me is that if you haven't had the greatest time socially at school you may have been banking on university as the place where it will all be different and you will 'meet your kind and make friends for life' etc and so on. And that makes it all the more disappointing when you get there and discover the same issues can arise - cliques, cold shouldering etc - these happen everywhere. Whereas those who have sailed through school socially may then do the same at university.

So lowered expectations are a good idea I think - and, very importantly, a real love of the course that you're going to do.

Abit University of London have inter varsity halls which take students from different universities which might give your DD wider social options than her institution. From experience I could not speak more highly of ULUs housing and other support services, very professional with a deep store of knowledge and experience. They were truly amazing in helping us with a problem, worth approaching them. They take very seriously their aim to help students with the challenges of being a student in London in order to ensure it is not an experience that puts students off coming to London universities.

I get frustrated that there seems to be little care for students who find themselves struggling and not included in university life for whatever reason

But nowadays (and for at least the last 20 years, in my experience) there is help. There are student counselling services, Senior Residents/Deans/Sub-deans in Halls of Residence, Personal Tutors, Welfare Tutors within Departments, and Welfare officers within Student Unions or Guilds.

My university spends money it increasingly doesn't have to deal with a breakdown in resilience in our undergraduates, We have to mop up the results of 14 years of over-examined, anxiety-ridden, instrumentalist education.

I have the experience, over many years, of mixed responses to advising students to seek help. Some stoutly deny they have a problem, while breaking down in tears in my office. The tears often shift them into thinking about seeking help. Some seek appropriate help and manage. Others deny they have a problem at all. They're the ones I worry about the most.

Thinking a bit more about general issue of shyer, 'non party' students starting at university.

On mn i occasionally see references to the fact that it is more common now to have groups of 1st yrs who already know each other from their school and home social life, going to the same university and then 'sticking together'. So that it's now less a case that everyone knows hardly anyone when they arrive - and it can be harder for someone on their own to break in.

(Obviously I realise there have always been a few of these groups, but I do remember repeatedly being told 'nobody else will know anyone either'. No longer true?)

I haven't heard of this being an issue in rl for anyone I know - but is it a phenomenon? And if so, any particular universities to avoid for that? As always, the socially alpha will overcome it, but the less sos will find it harder.

Oklookingahead we have talked today about looking in the wider UoL community for societies which may attract more like minded people and she’s going to keep at it and that it does take time to settle in London. She will keep plugging away and do some things differentlly

Nephew ‘bummed out’ now has own business instead of a degree chill

I will apologise. I have a family member who went through a similar situation as the Op’s son at one of the most prestigious universities. She had a breakdown. There was very little support and she left almost immediately never to return. I get frustrated that there seems to be little care for students who find themselves struggling and not included in university life for whatever reason. Are our expectations of our children different. Maybe you are right when you say wealthy foreign students will not be looking to work while they are studying. Wealth does cushion life. My relative comes from a very comfortable background but is not mega-wealthy. Do expectations differ between cultures. As I have said there was no help for student or family 10 years ago. Perhaps it is different today.

*Whatwouldrondo you are assuming I have never attended trade negotiations or worked for a multi-national company where I would be likely to meet the parents of wealthy students. There you go with the assumptions again. I have done both. Admittedly when it was a lot easier for young people in this country. But knock yourself out." Then you would know what I was talking about..........

Whatwouldrondo you are assuming I have never attended trade negotiations or worked for a multi-national company where I would be likely to meet the parents of wealthy students. There you go with the assumptions again. I have done both. Admittedly when it was a lot easier for young people in this country. But knock yourself out.

Ask these wealthy children who attend what their parent pay their employees before you lecture me on how marvellous and wealthy they are.

Are you really proud of our education system HouseholdWords? I'm not. It fails so many young people especially BAMA students and those outside the SE. It's OK I suppose if you are white, middle-class living in Hertfordshire etc. but if you don't fall into that category it's pretty fucking shit to be honest.

I know. It's embarrassing isn't it? We seem to have a PM who as Home Secretary had a real bee in her bonnet about "foreign" (hate that word) students. I've always suspected her of that kind of quiet middle England racism. Almost nastier than the EDF because it appears to be so polite.