Disappointed with dd's dance exam result.

There aren't personal attacks.

There are people pointing out the realism of the situation and protecting a 6yo girl from being made to feel inadequate for getting a merit in grade 1.

🙄

OP, no one is attacking you.

Your DD got a merit at 6 years old in her first exam. That is brilliant. What were you expecting? Distinction? I don’t think I’ve ever met a child that got distinction in the first exam so young when they’ve only just started dance.

Also, don’t worry about what she needs to improve on for her to progress. That’s what you’re paying the dance school for. They want as many kids as possible to get high grades. They’ll have feedback from the examiners and know what she needs to focus on for her next exam.

Everyone has to start somewhere and your DD has got off to a flying start. Be proud. When my DD started playing competitive team sports, she was mostly in the D teams. Several years on and a lot of training later she is in all the A teams and captains one team.

But also remember, your DD is very unlikely to want to be a professional dancer. Her training and entering exams is giving her skills that will last a lifetime. The result of those exams doesn’t matter. It’s the working hard at something you enjoy and taking yourself out of your comfort zone that are the most important things.

I don't think anyone has attacked you personally. Lots of posters have pointed out that your attitude will potentially damage your dd's confidence so hopefully you will take it on board and either change your attitude or find activities that don't include assessment or competition.

It's not even about the performing art world, that's LIFE!

No one is the best at everything for a start. She can be working as hard as humanly possible, she still won't be the best. She might need to work differently, it's quality over quantity. She might have a bad day. She might be faced with a genius in the field. That's life!

That's why all these exams are so important, it does teach them resilience. She will be told she's not that great, or someone is better in any sport, at school, with friends.

Of course it's hurtful and it sucks when you are the parent, but it's in her own interest to go through that. She's the favourite and the most important thing in the world for her parents, which is lovely and how it should be. Elsewhere, not so much, and that's fine.

I am not sure how having a 6.5 years old doing dance is enough to be "identified" 😂

Welcome to the performing arts world.

To be blunt, there are some kids who are naturally good, work hard and just have that x factor, there are others who are naturally good, work hard but don't have that. There are thousands who have a lot of fun and enjoy it - but no matter how hard they work, they are never going to be stand out. And that is also fine.

The important thing is how you manage it.

My DD was in high level training from a very young age - she's a good dancer and a stand-out singer. She was never in the same league as the really good dance girls she trained with - and never would be, because she lacks that X factor that some of them had. Even among the best, there were one or two that were just lovely to watch even if they weren't the hardest working or even technically 'the best'.

It did dent DD's confidence. She eventually dropped dance for a year, then picked it up again at school - where she was one of the standouts, as the level was much lower and she was very well trained. She knows full well that it hasn't suddenly made her an amazing dancer - but she's rediscovered her enjoyment and teachers were giving her chances to work on designing choreo and being front centre for the first time. She now does dance purely for fun and exercise.

Six is probably a little bit young to know for definite as some children do suddenly grow into things, but you might be best to keep your thoughts to yourself for now, but think about a less competitive and more inclusive school and a more 'for fun' environment in the future if you find her confidence is being knocked. Both types of school have their place.

If you know what grade other children got then yes that's a problem and the other parents need to shut up. If the school is announcing it then that is not good IMO. Either way, it's absolutely not a failing by your DD, she did brilliantly!

We have no idea if she needs a new school. She hasn't shown any evidence of anyone other than her who is judging and devaluing her dd for not being the best. It reads to me that she is projecting her own issues on to the school.

Firstly, the children can't all be the best. Some are naturally going to be better than others. In this instance, your dd is not one of the best. So what? She can't be best at everything. She did her best, had fun and got a reasonable result.

Secondly, you haven't been told she's not as valued as others. That is all you deciding not being the best equals not as valued. That is a dreadful message to send your child. You also haven't even been told she hasn't done as well as others. You are either assuming that or you have been discussing results with others. You have received feedback. It doesn't mean much to you because you are not a dance teacher. The teacher will be able to see what needs work from the feedback. She/he will work on that in class and help your dd to improve.

I'm sure if you ask the teacher for feedback, they would be happy to explain the results to you. Most parents don't want detailed feedback as they trust the teacher, who is the professional, to know how best to use the results to help the child improve. In 14 years of dd doing dance with results ranging from merit to distinction,, I never asked the teacher to explain the result. I could see quite clearly she didn't do as well in x but did very well in y. I'm not a dance teacher so have no need or desire to know what exactly needs to be done to improve x. I simply said well done to dd and moved on.

The only person setting your dd up for failure here is you. You are telling her that doing her best and enjoying herself isn't enough and she has to be the best to be valued. I would suggest that you have a bit of a think as to why you feel that way and try and reframe your attitude before you destroy your dd's confidence.

OP you’re really missing the fundamental point of children’s activities. It’s about fun, exercise, variety, friends, experiences different from normal school. Parents pay money and spend years going to shows/matches/competitions. Mostly they’re happy to do it, because it gets their kids off screens! Only a teeny tiny number of kids continue their hobby to a professional level. Most of them spend several years being average but having fun, before they move on. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing it at all.

Each and every sport will have those who are better than others.

Every. Single. One.

My ds is a swimmer. He started at 12yo squad swimming. There were 9/10yo in higher squads who were already county champions and children his age heading off to regional championships.

Roll on to now. He's national squad. Each and every swimmer in that squad does that same training and has the same opportunities. There are swimmers in his squad aiming to qualify for nationals and swimmers in his squad who are already British champions. Ds came 4th in a European championship. But only at the 1 stroke he excels at!

Roll back 8 years and he was the poorest swimmer is his age group as he started. Many of those who were county/regional/national champions by age 14 aren't even swimming anymore.

Any competition in sport will pit people against each other. Do you honestly think those who don't win medals at Olympics and world champs should have given up because compared to the next person they weren't good enough?

Seriously - give yourself a wobble. Let your DD enjoy dance if that's what she wants to do. If and when she doesn't let her try something different.

But you are seriously setting up for failure if you think every person who is being taught by the dance teacher you're paying will score top marks.

The same as every single student being taught by the same teacher will not get a grade 9 at gcse.

Don't put her in for the exams then?

If you really believe "any serious dance school makes it clear who their favourites are", find a new dance school. My kids go to an excellent one which values dancing for all. Some of the kids are now excelling; many of the older ones go into professional training and positions. In over half of those cases, you could not tell at 6 who would go on to excel, there were no high scores in exams.

This is in contrast to a neighbouring dance school where indeed the kids are criticised and even pushed out by 7; several transfer over the years to ours. That school sends fewer dancers into a professional route, but sure, they get higher exam scores at low grades.

You were given feedback; you were given the feedback on the exam report.

It may seem like it wasn’t particularly meaningful but my experience is that at this age they do tend to focus on positive feedback, since it’s only for fun and it’s supposed to be confidence-building.

My experience is also that teachers will remove children from an exam class if they don’t think that they will get to the required standard. They won’t just continue to take money from parents and waste everyone’s time. But your daughter clearly could get to an acceptable standard which is why she continued in the class. YOU are the only person here who doesn’t think that she got to an acceptable standard.

You need a different dance school. Dd wasn’t great at dance but really enjoyed it and when she hit the 13 year old friendship issues stage having the dance girls as out of school friends got her through. She did dance all through the teen years gave up in gcse year. She passed grade 4 by one mark 😀. It’s not about how good you are you are totally missing the point.

You’re conflating her being technically good at a hobby with her value (to who?) and that error of thinking means you’re taking a factual assessment as a personal attack.

Honestly OP, she’s six and it’s meant to be a fun hobby. Maybe she’ll carry it on throughout childhood, maybe be won’t. There’s plenty of others out there. Just take the pressure off.

I've never understood the point of competitive dance (Irish dancing, the traditional kind, lovely, but days lost in dark & dusty halls), as I am not a dancer and that was not why my child went (she wasn't really either 😂), but that builds resilience. It's not good to always be successful. Sometimes a little participation in something that gives you joy for the sake of it, whilst experiencing not being the best (by a long shot) is really worth it. That's how I look back on those years and so does my DD - with pure joy. It gave her joy, fitness, the confidence to perform and to try and to fail and to be happy for someone else with grace. Those are all fantastic reasons to stay until she decides it has run its course. Don't let her see you are remotely bothered, let her see you be completely relaxed and overjoyed she is taking part. And she will improve. She may even really surprise you in time. Dancing is brilliant for the body & brain regardless of how 'good' or 'bad' others perceive you.

PS it is a money making thing of course, but everyone's got to survive and those that run it tend to be passionate... As long as they aren't so competitive they are unkind.

This is a "you problem
It isn't "Dance Moms "
She's 6 and has a hobby she enjoys.

These experiences, and how you support and guide her through them, are about nurturing resilience, which is fundamental to psychological stability and the ability to bounce back after challenges, setbacks and disappointments.

If you shield her from normal life experiences (however unfair they may be) she will find it harder to develop resilience.

My dd used to watch dance moms all the time. That never scarred her knowing she wasn’t in the same league as those girls.

Lady I think you’ve been watching too much Dance Moms

"Good" and "valued" are entirely different things. You're the one conflating them.

Maybe she isn't as good as some of the others and never will be. That's fine. Nobody can be the best at everything. She got a perfectly good mark and is enjoying it. That is literally all there is to it.

Wind in your bitterness or you're just going to ruin your daughter's enjoyment by projecting your own issues on to it.

Omg! I'm bowing out of this one

I'm sorry OP, but you are so wrong

Your poor daughter