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Extra-curricular activities

Find advice on the best extra curricular activities in secondary schools and primary schools here.

Original poster

When DC just aren't talented at....anything

114 replies

Pullinghair · 03/02/2025 21:58

Hear me out before you all flame me alive. I love my kids and try to instill every good thing in them and give them all the opportunities I never had as a kid but still i sit here regularly wondering where I've gone wrong or not done things right.

1st dd 12. Amazing, kind caring. But always been not confident and had really strong personality friends who have dominated over her until this yr where she now has none at all. I've tried loads. When younger age she did swimming age 3-5 ( stopped when she still couldn't do a basic width or keep afloat after 2 yrs of expensive lessons) Gymnastics ( once a week since aged 4 but never selected for comps or anything extra, seems to go largely unnoticed in classes) , extra language. Violin ( aged 7- 11) stopped at grade 1 last yr because she just wasn't progressing enough after years of playing to get to grade 2 the next year. She does netball now but still just seems to be on the periphery of stuff. All things she likes, I ask her every term if she'd like to change or try something different it's always a no she's happy. But I'm soo sad but try not to show it. Friends/ family kids have got medals, seems to be in competition teams, trophies for all sorts or progressing and enjoying their hobbies in general. Mine literally couldn't give a crap and doesn't want to explore other options to develop an interest in something. What am I doing wrong!? Why after years of paying out for hobbies left right and center has it not made 1 dot of difference to her confidence and if anything made it worse because she never has anything to show for the effort she puts in.

Dd2 loves her hobbies similar to dd1 but she too never has got medals, certificates of progression or anything to recognise they've been doing something for x amount of years and got nothing to show for it. to make it worse is generally forgotten about and recently despite me asking her teacher for something she can take part in was sidelined and not even considered in favour of another friend.

Is this just how it is? What am I doing wrong

OP posts:
Monket · 03/02/2025 22:26

Specifically on the swimming, if budget allows I’d look at doing an intensive 1:1 course. Mine learnt to swim very quickly (1-2 weeks of 1 x 30min lesson per day, plus an hour or two splashing around) that way, whereas peers still couldn’t swim after two years of group lessons. Maybe that would give an emotional boost of achievement too?

Original poster
Pullinghair · 03/02/2025 22:21

Wibbley97 · 03/02/2025 22:15

i was parented with the best of intentions, wanted me to have all the opportunities, undercurrent of disappointment that I was consistently very average at best at everything, and then wondered why I suffered with a crippling lack of self confidence and anxiety. Most people are pretty average. If your kids are kind, caring and trying their best at all these opportunities, you have a great deal to be proud of. Could you maybe work more with what you’ve got? Organise for them to help you with volunteering opportunities to celebrate their caring natures? Loads of parents stuck with ruthlessly self centred offspring would envy you what you have - and if you can celebrate your kids and make them feel you value them for who they are, the confidence and friendships will probably follow.

I know I make a big deal about how I'm so proud of their xyz characteristics and being decent kids. But I just feel like I've let them down somewhere and can't figure out quite what I've done wrong.

OP posts:
narcASD · 03/02/2025 22:21

My kids are like this, but at least yours do netball 😀
I've given them opportunities to try drama, dance, performing arts, craft making, gymnastics, netball, tennis, swimming and gymnastics, music lessons, the list is endless.

Some kids just are happy not doing any "activities", we have days out, meals out, holidays, experience days etc and that is enough for them.

If it's enough for them then that's fine by me.

Being content is a skill in itself and as long as they we happy then that's ok.

Shadysun · 03/02/2025 22:20

OMG, leave them be... I feel stressed out just reading it. These things are meant to be fun. Who needs to be "talented" at gymnastics or violin... These things are such niche interests in the grand scheme of adult life, there is so much else to enjoy.

Original poster
Pullinghair · 03/02/2025 22:19

BlueSilverCats · 03/02/2025 22:13

You seem disappointed you don't get to have any "bragging " rights.

Some of the things you mention are concerning/sad like the lack of confidence/friends, but you still seem to come back to "where's my reward" for all of this?

Your kids having fun, enjoying themselves, learning new things(even at a basic level) was the reward. Maybe have a look at hobbies just for the sake of them rather than a lead to something , and they'll show some interest in new ones.

I had the opposite type of kid for years. She got noticed, asked to take part in this, go for her belt, go to that competition, sign up to that club , at which point she freaked out and completely lost interest in whatever the hobby was and quit. Grin.

I think it's more I've tried everything yet still tonight we had a conversation with dd1 about how she feels like she got no friends despite trying everything. And I know it all ties back into this lack of confidence which I just don't know how to fix. She went from having a solid group, all be it really strong personalities that dominated her to changing schools and not fitting in anywhere. I thought clubs would give her this boost outside if school and friends but it's not turned out that way.

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 03/02/2025 22:18

It's hard to keep clubs etc going past primary level if you are not particularly good at it.

I suspect though that you are focusing on the kids you know who are successful and not seeing the bigger group of kids who are like yours.

Be grateful you don't have to ferry them round to their activities or spend a fortune on kit etc.

Just let them be. Mine stopped classes for a few years then one took up rock climbing and the other did ballroom - their choices. They were both pretty decent at these but we all decided not to pursue competitively as they found it too stressful.

Wibbley97 · 03/02/2025 22:15

i was parented with the best of intentions, wanted me to have all the opportunities, undercurrent of disappointment that I was consistently very average at best at everything, and then wondered why I suffered with a crippling lack of self confidence and anxiety. Most people are pretty average. If your kids are kind, caring and trying their best at all these opportunities, you have a great deal to be proud of. Could you maybe work more with what you’ve got? Organise for them to help you with volunteering opportunities to celebrate their caring natures? Loads of parents stuck with ruthlessly self centred offspring would envy you what you have - and if you can celebrate your kids and make them feel you value them for who they are, the confidence and friendships will probably follow.

BlueSilverCats · 03/02/2025 22:13

You seem disappointed you don't get to have any "bragging " rights.

Some of the things you mention are concerning/sad like the lack of confidence/friends, but you still seem to come back to "where's my reward" for all of this?

Your kids having fun, enjoying themselves, learning new things(even at a basic level) was the reward. Maybe have a look at hobbies just for the sake of them rather than a lead to something , and they'll show some interest in new ones.

I had the opposite type of kid for years. She got noticed, asked to take part in this, go for her belt, go to that competition, sign up to that club , at which point she freaked out and completely lost interest in whatever the hobby was and quit. Grin.

Original poster
Pullinghair · 03/02/2025 22:13

horseymum · 03/02/2025 22:10

Maybe you could return to swimming, it really is a life skill and makes holidays, Saturdays with friends etc more fun. Sounds like violin was the wrong instrument to spark her passion, but music is never wasted. Maybe she'd like to try guitar or keyboard instead? Although you do have to practice to make any progress. Gymnastics is hard to do at a recreational level, would she enjoy archery or cadets or something a bit different? Not everyone has to like hobbies but it's nice to have something relaxing that isn't homework or TV. Crochet?

So we had a guitar in the house dd1 didn't touch it. Dd2 played piano and dd1 messed about abit on it at home but said no to lessons.
Dd1 also does guides and swimming again now. She has progressed up on her swim group but everything else is stagnant.

Dd2 still can't swim but I'm not giving up just yet as like you said it's a life skill and I just need to suck it up and pay put but she's been in a non swimmers group for over a year now and it's a painful watch every week!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pullinghair · 03/02/2025 22:10

Pyjamatimenow · 03/02/2025 22:03

Erm honestly hobbies are supposed to be opportunities to meet new people, teamwork and socialise not necessarily about getting medals etc. Nobody is going to be interested in their lack of gymnastics medals when they’re trying to get their first job. If they’re happy going along to their hobbies that’s great. I’d say that was an achievement in itself especially if they haven’t been given much reward.

I know and if she'd made friends at any of them I'd have put that down in the win category but she hasn't at all for dd1. I don't know how to help her either. We did drama for abit to try build her confidence up but that was one club she begged me to stop so i did.

OP posts:
Itcostshowmuchnow · 03/02/2025 22:10

I ask her every term if she'd like to change or try something different it's always a no she's happy

They are happy. What else matters?

horseymum · 03/02/2025 22:10

Maybe you could return to swimming, it really is a life skill and makes holidays, Saturdays with friends etc more fun. Sounds like violin was the wrong instrument to spark her passion, but music is never wasted. Maybe she'd like to try guitar or keyboard instead? Although you do have to practice to make any progress. Gymnastics is hard to do at a recreational level, would she enjoy archery or cadets or something a bit different? Not everyone has to like hobbies but it's nice to have something relaxing that isn't homework or TV. Crochet?

Chilliflakes14 · 03/02/2025 22:06

You're not doing anything wrong but it's completely normal and fine for you to feel this way.

Your DD's sound amazing. You have kind caring children. That is so much more important than winning awards and certificates. They will be learning a lot and benefitting from the activities they are doing. Just keep encouraging them as you are.

Pyjamatimenow · 03/02/2025 22:03

Erm honestly hobbies are supposed to be opportunities to meet new people, teamwork and socialise not necessarily about getting medals etc. Nobody is going to be interested in their lack of gymnastics medals when they’re trying to get their first job. If they’re happy going along to their hobbies that’s great. I’d say that was an achievement in itself especially if they haven’t been given much reward.

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