When DC just aren't talented at....anything

If she enjoys it then leave her be. Medals and winning aren’t the be all and end all.

OP, I don't think anyone would think to throw a flame at you for feeling this way. You sound like an amazing parent who has tried so hard to give them lots of opportunities. It isn't cheap either and please don't be hard on yourself. As parents all we can do is try and open up the world to them and give them these opportunities. Whether they embrace them or not is out of our hands. I agree with a PP who said it's hard to maintain clubs beyond primary age. Both my 2 DS during primary did swimming, Rugby, football, cubs. I remember the days when every evening was taking them to one club or another. They won a few medals for football and at one stage I thought I had a Ronaldo in the making (yes I was one of those mums ) as one won a lot of medals during 2 years. But in the space of a few months both at around the same age wanted to cut all clubs except football and even that now, I see the enthusiasm lessening. Some of the friendships made have gone or disappeared and that stage of them being chosen for lots of things has dwindled down too. The point is it doesn't matter if they excelled at something or not. Whatever they do, it is a part of their learning experience and they don't need certificates or medals to define that. They will have taken things from all those clubs they tried and at least you have taught them that things are accessible to them if they want it.

For the vast majority of people hobbies are for fun and friends, and not for being too of the class.

they sound happy - that is a remarkable achievement in itself.

Violin ( aged 7- 11) stopped at grade 1 last yr because she just wasn't progressing enough after years of playing to get to grade 2 the next year.

Did she choose violin or did you choose that for her? I chose brass for myself and, despite stopping grades at grade four. I'm still playing in my forties.

DD goes to a Young Wardens group at the local Nature reserve it's for 11-16 and is great for learning new skills.

Friendships still won't necessarily form as it's once a month but the do chat whilst they work and it's not a sport so no skill required.

I think I read that she goes to Guides - have you tried supporting her with some interest badges? They're great for creating a sense of achievement, fun activities, she can work towards theme and section awards etc.

I was a late learner when it came to swimming. 3-5 is IMO too young for that kind of muscle coordination. I learned at around nine or ten.

Restart her with swimming lessons. A good teacher will teach dogpaddle with kicking first to get the child moving confidently through the water, and only then move onto proper strokes. Dogpaddle is the intuitive way that every mammal will try to swim with when thrown into water and it's a vital self-rescue stroke for when your daughter messes up her backstroke in the deep end and panics.

My DD is not dissimilar but I really don’t see it as a problem. She enjoys different things, has a go, is stronger at some others but is not too fussed about getting certificates etc. It’s just the joy of doing things, it doesn’t have to be all about achievement. She’s taught herself to crochet and makes stuffed animals at the moment. You need to let your DC them find themselves.

Most of us aren't amazing at sports or musical instruments. I don't know anyone who is, except my brother, who runs ultra marathons, and he only took up running in his 30s. Hobbies are for fulfillment and exercise, so if she enjoys them that is enough.

What strikes me is that you may have gone in too early with some. If she wasn't ready to swim at 3 you might have been better to wait until she was old enough to see real progress rather than slogging through years of expensive lessons. And likewise with violin, it is hard to progress at first, which is not rewarding for a child who isn't very keen (and no child honestly begs to learn violin - it is very much a parental goal).

Btw I don't think hobbies necessarily lead to friendships, unless they are spending lots of time training etc. School is key to friendships at 12, so I would be looking at ways to foster friendships there.

You could also try her with something you learn more at your own speed be it coding or knitting.

Are there any more low key clubs at school she could try (although if she feels a bit lost and is easily dominated I'd keep her away from all things rainbow until she understands herself a bit better, but I know not everyone will agree).

They sound like activities where children have to be quite focused and might not get that much chance to make friends.

But she will have learned focus and persistence. That's great.

Are there any activities she could do that would be more based on teamwork? Volunteering - something where she'll be communicating with a purpose? Possibly a mixed age group thing where you are going along too?

Your post suggests she might make more friends if she was talented, but you don't need talent for all group activities - maybe separate the two issues in your mind?

Is she pretty good at entertaining herself?

My son is 11. Much the same. He remains in beginners marital arts. I taught him to swim myself. Tried a few lessons to improve his technique as it can be interesting at times. It did not go well!

But he's bloody brilliant at playing. Not necessarily in the way any of it was intended though, he does things his own way. Tonight he wrote a story (minus any punctuation but never mind) on his Chromebook and made pictures to go with it so he could read it to his little sister.

He isn't really bored. And so he'll go along to activities but he's not particularly fussed. He's not a child that needs to do things. In lockdown he didn't miss school in the way other kids did.

I just wondered if being self contained is her skill? And if so, that's maybe more valuable in the long run than getting to grade three violin.

This is what I am trying to persuade myself anyway because my children are very much like yours.

How old is dd2? I’d move her to another swimming school if needed!

Did dd1 do much practise with the violin? Lessons aren’t enough to pass the grades.

Maybe she’ll find a sport at secondary school or needs to find more time for whatever it is she chooses. I did piano from age 8-15 and got to grade 5. I didn’t always enjoy it but I was determined to pass the exams. My sister on the other hand would take up an instrument and stop it after a term. I always felt like I couldn’t give stuff up once I’d started. Maybe it’s a personality thing!

Just a thought, but maybe a sport which is more niche might appeal, easier to be a big fish in a small pond. Handball, softball, martial arts, indoor football....
One of mine did karate. Was very good at it, no competition from other kids at school to be top dog. Individual sports rather than team allow individual progress, too. A good club will aim to boost confidence.

Hobbies are meant to be fun. It's a way to keep fit or meet people. Very few will actually be any good.

What are you good at OP?

I do not think you are doing anything wrong. As you say, you are giving them opportunities in life.
I would suggest you invest in hobbies they show an interest in. So, if music is not for your DD, do not stick to it for long. Change to other thing. Maybe art? Writting? Horse riding? What does she like? It is difficult to get it out of quiet kids, but maybe going different places for one or two hours will help to find the places they light up at. She will then find friends, in her own turf. I think she has not yet found it.
Some sport, like swimming, stick to it, because that is important indeed. To keep healthy and as a life skill.

I think you sound more worried about her lack of friend group, which I understand. If she’s hurting about this then it’s hard to stay neutral as a parent. DD struggled in yr6 and it broke my heart for her.
Does she do clubs at school? I’m not sure what hobbies are most social but I’m sure people will have suggestions!

Most kids are just average.

My DM was desperate for me to excel in something like sport or drama. I hated it all and it made me feel like a constant failure to her.

I just wanted to be left alone to read books. I wish she'd been proud of me for that, just for being myself. Why do children need to be forced to be something they're not. I always got the feeling my DM was disappointed that I didn't give her anything to show off over, even if I was just happy as I was.

People should accept their children for who they are even if it's not what you hoped for. They'll remember if you don't.

Mine didn’t do a thing past the usual goes at gymnastics, tennis etc.

My SS now is v sporty and I can see how great it is and the social and the team etc but mine just weren’t into it. Also could imagine if all 4 of them were mad into sports and activities. Expensive and exhausting.

@Pullinghair what year is she in now? Y8?

Are there any girls she talks to, even if not very close? Does she have a phone? Can you arrange some playdates (yes , I know it sounds bonkers at this age) ? Have people come over or take them into town for a bit of shopping etc? She might find it easier to develop friendships 1 2 1, rather than a big group.

I had to do it when DD was in y7 as all her primary friends dropped her in the summer holidays so we had to start fresh with the whole thing.

I have 4 kids - now adults. All very different abilities
The oldest was dyspraxic / developmental coordination disorder and he struggled with all sports as a child/ teenager.
He did learn to swim (I rarely watched as I was often chasing a toddler around wherever the gallery was).
He was rubbish at football and tennis. But as an adult he now plays these sports socially and to a decent standard. His lack of coordination has improved and I think that’s partly because he did do them as a child, just because I thought they were good skills to learn.
He did suffer socially too as he was young for his class, and I do wish I had deferred him

But he’s an adult now and those uncertain, painful years are behind him and he’s doing fine.

My point is - learning skills is throughout life and even if she struggles now - one day it will click and that will give her a huge boost

Have you ruled out any physical reasons why D still can't swim How is her overall coordination? Can she reliably catch a ball and ride a bike? How is her handwriting? If any of those are off you could be looking at dyspraxia

I think you started groups too early and gave up too quickly. Group sessions don't work for lots of children 1:1 sessions to learn to swim. That then opens doors to diving club, canoeing, kayaking, paddle boarding and other water sports.

To develop friends at school and groups they have to spend time together outside the activity. Offer to pick X up from school. Offer to take Y and DD to the cinema before Z activity.

Try recreational groups rather than competitive ones so it doesn't det her confidence, so recreational tennis, taster ski sessions, rock climbing, girl guides. Or team sports like rugby, that becomes single sex from 11/12.

What do you do yourself to model persistence at activities and friendships?

Are your daughters Dyspraxic by any chance? Sounds like something of the traits, not excelling at sports etc my daughter is Dyspraxic and same situation with swimming, 2 full years and didn't get it until her brother taught her on our family holiday!! He's only 3 years older but pretty patient (at times!) and then she just 'got it'. She is very sociable but a lot of children with Dyspraxia can struggle in that area. Just something to think about...
If that's not a possibility I would just let them enjoy. Our neighbour kids don't do any activities at all, nothing. Its not a money issue, the mum just doesn't believe in creating a busy week for everyone. Her girls are just fine tbh although I do think personally they should have learned to swim.