When DC just aren't talented at....anything

I think everyone should have a) some activity that keeps them physically active b) some activity that gets them outdoors (obviously, sometimes a) and b) can actually be covered by the same activity) and c) something they can do indoor in crap weather that is not just staring at a screen - drawing, writing a diary, painting model figures, ukelele, what have you.

Provided those bases are covered, I don't think it matters whether they are passing "levels" or getting badges or whatever.

I think you can insist your children are involved in something outside school, but some people are not the competitive type.

I think it’s worth pursuing trying to find just one hobby she enjoys. We tried loads with my DD and felt pretty exasperated until she tried climbing and is very good at it. She hasn’t made friends there and generally protests going every week but her self esteem and confidence in general has grown massively as a result. She hated swimming because of sensory overload at the pool and didn’t like any forced socialising with team sports or other sports clubs. I do think there’s something for everyone but you may need to look outside of mainstream sports that other kids enjoy which is absolutely fine.

Your kids don't need to excel at anything. It's perfectly ok to be average. The happiest people I know aren't necessarily the smartest or most talented, they're the ones who have found their niche and get pleasure out of worthwhile social interactions with others as well as doing their own thing. They don't need to impress others or justify their existence.

I'd personally tear my hair out if someone made me do violin for four years

I mean come on

The poor kid!

Just leave them be

If they are happy I wouldn’t be getting stressed about it but I will give my usual advice for kids that lack confidence and self esteem and that is to get them involved in horse riding . If they stick at it and you pick a school with a pony club centre or similar there is usually a bunch of like minded children to make friends with . Plus horses are the best confidence builders , they listen and they really help .

Absolutely, I was a non-sporty child who was forced to go to gymnastics, Brownies, etc etc (didn't mind swimming), when I would have loved to stay home and peacefully read books without being forced to socialise and do sporty things. My grandmother who brought us up had been a high level sportswoman and always made me feel a bit of a disappointment to her for not being sporty. Did not do my confidence any good.

It's a human feeling so no criticism here OP. It just sounds like the main source of the pressure you're feeling and putting on yourself and kids is because of the people around you. You sound in competition. It's hard not to if you're around ' winners ' regularly.

Your kids sound decent and they're happy. You just can't buy that.

My senses are going off slightly that something else may be going on. Not because they aren't winning medals btw. It's like you're assessing if there's something different or a need they may have and you can't figure it out. It's just the sense I have from your post. The teacher saying ' oh look they're academic' really doesn't answer the niggling questions you're having.

I really dislike the way schools often seem to favour the ' winners' and medal earners. I think that's typical. I still think my school PE teachers didn't even know my name but their heads were firmly up the arse of the leading sprinters and medal winners. Sometimes thst makes this more frustrating and an issue.

I once read the best thing to wish for your child is that they are not exceptional at anything.You want a rounded normal individual. Being a child prodigy is a curse

I think the most important thing is that your DCs are happy OP. Most children will not excel at their hobbies. If they are enjoying them and keeping their minds and bodies active then that's a win in my book. In fact having a child who is very good at something brings its own challenges and "elite" youth sport/performing arts etc can be very toxic environments that can be difficult to navigate - it's often not as great as it looks.
I do think it is a shame that their efforts aren't more recognised though. I coach a kids sport and my adult DD is a dance teacher and by coincidence we were talking about this sort of thing today. We were both in agreement about how important it is to recognise all our pupils and to praise effort, resilience* *etc as well as attainment. There's always a range of abilities in any club or class but in reality those who are genuinely talented are few and far between and it is the "ordinary" kids that are the backbone of the group usually. Reward schemes need to ensure that it isn't always the same few kids who get everything. I happen to have a few super talented kids in my coaching group at the moment including the current number 1 ranked competitor nationally for their age group but they get treated like anyone else at club sessions. I actually gave my student of the year award last year to a youngster with very ordinary attainment but an absolutely great attitude. I don't think I have ever coached a child in whom I couldn't find something to reward. I don't know the answer sorry but I do understand why you feel sad. Showing up regularly is credit worthy in its own right. As long as your DC aren't asking to stop something I'd keep going. They may bloom later, or develop other interests, and even if they don't, as long as they're getting something out of an activity it's still worthwhile.

My DC have tried loads of different things. Different things have “stuck”… lots of things haven’t.

Mostly in my experience, clubs don’t lead to friendships. But they can enjoy the company in the activity itself.

I personally have preferred non-competitive sports and more community-based activities. Scouts, guides, army cadets, sea cadets or St John Ambulance cadets have worked well for mine and my friends’ children. My DD also loved a sewing class she did for a while.

Also various water sports (sailing, SUP, rowing, etc) can be great sports for “non sporty” kids. Once they’ve learnt to swim!!

Dont worry OP. They can’t all be superstars.

My husband is a top climber ie written books and very well known in the climbing world. My children have never been interested ,husband just accepts that they have other interests,if anything his passion has deterred them .
He does have a yacht and one son does sail and gets involved in the round the island yacht race of the IOW.
Husband has friends who live locally and absolutely none of his friends children are interested.
Just and nurture their interests .

If she's doing Guides, netball and swimming it doesn't sound all that bad. Guides is pretty varied and social. Does she go to a group with kids from school?

My DC don't particularly excel at their activities either. DS(10) is mad about football but is not a particularly strong player. DD(7) also plays football, but she is very hesitant and timid with it. She mainly does it because all her friends do, but I suspect competitive sport will not be a long term hobby for her. DD is progressing well at swimming, but it's been very slow with DS - 4 years and still only in stage 3. Both enjoy Cubs/Beavers for the social side. DD seems to be progressing well with piano so I hope she keeps that up. DS was quite good at it too when he tried it, but unfortunately he had zero interest.

If someone doesn't have a talent, you can't make them develop one. With enough practice they might be competent but not a patch on someone truly talented (I know talented people have to put in the graft too). Plenty of people aren't talented at anything. If everyone had a talent there would be nothing special about it.

Hobbies and activities should be things they enjoy and find fun. Some kids like being busier than others. Some love reading and arts and crafts at home and that's fine, it's still an activity.

My mum was obsessed with the idea that I needed lots of extra curricular activities that she was convinced I would continue to use and develop my whole life. There was piano, tennis coaching, skating, swimming, choir singing ...for years, bloody years. I was no good at any of it and not very interested either. One day she was having a go at me for my "defeatist" attitude and I asked what hobbies she had. She had to admit she didn't really have any.

Now I'm a grown up and I don't play any instruments, I don't do any sport (just some gym and dance classes for fun and fitness), can't cycle, only really swim on holiday (crap technique as hate my face in the water( and guess what, I'm happy. I'm also a partner in a law firm which is ok for someone whose mother thought no one would look at my cv without a long list of sporty hobbies! My husband doesn't have any hobbies except gardening. Lots of my friends don't either. It's really not that important. Your daughter is HAPPY, she told you so and that's brilliant.

No I think there's a big different between facilitating and encouraging your child and being a full-on tiger mom. My DD could have probably done well enough at gymnastics but we ditched that as the ethos didn't sit well me* and she wasn't motivated enough to want to do it.

*gymnastic club ethos is not good.

Jeez how awful these ''clubs'' sound.

Just let the children be.. DS had no clubs, but had hobbies {definitely not clubs} he was {IS} passionate about, stick to those.
I don't get the clubs obsession.

The ones with medals are probably the ones with tiger parents making their children practice endlessly to the detriment of the child's mental health, physical health duento injuries and normal childhood.
The kind of thing where they make young children swim in chlorine, or 4 year olds practice gymnastics at home, or 4 or 5 year olds do football lessons with footballs thrown into their heads doing nothing for these (typically) boys' already likely impaired intelligence (judging by the genetics of the parents especially).
The kids will grow hating sport and probably hating the parents, with no independent or critical thinking and few problem solving skills.
Rereading your post - you may have pushed them into it too young, they are burnt out.
Don't put them into anything any more unless they actually ask.
And of course it will take years to learn to swim if you start at 3. It's sad to see 7 and 8 year olds hating swimming because they'd been forced to do since age 3 . And that's pretty much all of those.

It is tricky but I wonder if you're under-estimating the amount of effort that comes with 'talent' - one of my children is excellent on the violin but its taken us 4 teachers to find a great teacher and a heck of a lot of support from me when she was younger but now she's motivated to practice without my involvement, my other daughter does well at team sports and has competed nationally but... she was motivated enough to practice 3 times a day, I've never pushed her, in fact its me that's reluctant to take her and watch her play a match / train in the dark freezing weather, she assures me its never too cold to play sport 😂

Encouraging kids to have a good work ethic is important.

Re swimming - how often did you take your daughter to practice or just have fun in the pool between lessons? you can't leave it all up to the teachers.

Confidence is about feeling comfortable in your own skin not winning. It’s something I’m mindful of as one of my children is very successful at their hobby and excelling at school so I have to balance out the championing them while still letting my other completely average at this stuff children that hobbies are for fun and I love them the way they are.

Do one on one with the swimming. None of my children could swim a length at 5 and they are all decent swimmers now.

It’s a worry that she can’t make friends. Could she join a non competitive environment? Gymnastics and the like isn’t great for friends. How about scouts or a club type thing where they are not competing and just socialising. I’d try and drill down about why she can’t make friends. What is causing her this issue? If you could help her here it would definitely be a win.

If they're having fun then that is more than enough. If they're not having fun, save yourself some time and money and call it a day! I don't really think kids need extracurriculars just for the sake of it. Attending school all day everyday and going on the odd day out with family and spending time in nature and with friends is plenty to give children a happy and well-rounded childhood. Think of all the most successful (in terms of career, lifestyle etc) adults you know. Did it make a difference what hobby they did as a child? Do you even know what hobby they did as a child?

I was also really shy at 12, hopeless at sports (still am), not remotely musical and rubbish at swimming. My interests/abilities were in art, writing and the outdoors. Maybe your daughters simply aren't sporty or well suited to a competitive environment. Performance based activities (like drama, sports, dance/gym) tend to favour more extroverted/dominant personalities anyway, so your eldest might be struggling socially because she's not among likeminded people.

It's fine to not have found their 'thing' yet - they are both so young - and as others have mentioned they might not be ready yet for some of the hobbies.

What about something less intense, that focuses on building friendships rather than individual performance?

Have you asked them what they’d like to try? It’s ok to try different things and then not like them. It’s also ok to know how to do many things ok instead of be Olympic material in one thing.

To improve confidence, your DD needs to feel she is ok the way she is. She doesn’t need to have a talent. She doesn’t need to be competition level swimmer or gymnast. Hobbies are for enjoyment, not status. Have you perhaps given her the impression you are disappointed and on a quest to find her talent? Have you ever said everyone has a talent?

Please be careful with how your kids learn to value themselves and the importance you put on doing hobbies and being good at them.

I was very good at some things as a kid and very bad at others. I felt a huge amount of pressure from others, both my parents (who didn't go to uni and wanted me to have a better education) and from people who bullied me because I was shit at 'important stuff' like PE (I was very crap at sports as a kid). For the things I was good at it was very much "look at Stripey, she is the one who is good at X!" Or "don't be friends with Stripey, she's the one who's shit at Y!". I therefore learnt that my worth was about what I could or could not do, and not who I was as a person. There was none of this 'you don't have to be good at your hobbies as long as you enjoy them'. I was doing them to please others to to show my worth to them or myself. Also, as my parents were struggling with money but their best for me, I had to be very grateful/openly told how much they had sacrificed for all of these hobbies/things they were doing to make my life better.

This is not said to blow my own trumpet, but I was and still am an excellent artist, can run a 5k faster than most of the country and am quite good at an extreme sport. I've bike-packed in many cool places around the world, went straight out of university to run a dream conservation project in Africa, and now have a successful self-employed business. I'm mostly quite fit and a size 8-10. I will have paid off my mortgage aged 40 by myself. Most people would say I was winning at life.

But none of this is or was EVER good enough to me. I feel like a failure most of the time. I have cripplingly bad self esteem. No project I finish is worth celebrating, I just see the mistakes. If it's not perfect, I'm shit. I hate myself. I am depressed. I feel out of control. I can never be genuinely happy for me, my achievements. People tell me I should be happy but I just cannot feel it.

I genuinely believe through counselling that this is because I grew up valuing myself by my achievements, measured through people's outward opinions (good and bad). I wish I had just done stuff I enjoyed and not known if I was good or bad at it.

I think people mean well when they push their children or get them to do things that they're good at, or don't allow them to do things they're bad at. But for some some kids (like me) it can be extremely damaging and have a significant effect on how they value themselves, and can rob them of happiness in ways they should be feeling positive. Obviously this is only my experience and your children may be completely different (and you clearly care about them a great deal) but perhaps just be mindful that you aren't unintentionally teaching them that they have to be good at stuff to be liked.

Most people have average kids 🤷‍♀️

I had absolutely no hobbies and my children had fleeting interests,tennis,she was actually really good but got bored,more interested in socialising ,now in a job that I cannot identify because it’s a sensitive job and I have to be very careful what I say 2nd child went to rugby but hated it but now in a job that is his passion ,3rd son embraced any challenge,played rugby in first team at Uni ,embraced his Uni course,got a first and now in a brilliant job he enjoys and earning silly money .
it does all work out eventually.

She’d be unlikely to swim a length at 5. They’re just not coordinated enough at that age. I used to let my kids do whatever they wanted - karate, ballet, choir, football, gymnastics, brownies, scouts, violin, flute, swimming…you name it, they did it. Most of it drops off but if you’re lucky some of it sticks.

This story from Kurt Vonnegut sums hobbies up beautifully:

https://meetgroove.com/reward-of-learning/

Hobbies are a chance to learn something new, make friends, have experiences outside of school or the home. They give kids confidence and a broader perspective. It doesn’t need to be through winning medals or being competitive - it can come from scouts, a book club, dancing, singing - anything really that they enjoy.