Theatre mums - coping with rejection??

Unfortunately 99% of performing arts is rejection so developing a thick skin and resilience is really important.

DD got to final rounds in the West End more times than I have fingers and actually cast a lot less than the fingers on 1 hand.

There were a couple of roles she badly wanted and after days and days of auditions was very invested. To give an idea of the competition levels, for Matilda (role of) they normally see around 800 girls a season, for Jane Banks it's around 1,100. So to get down to the bitter end is a slog.

We had an agreement that she was allowed to be sad, throw a full on Verruca Salt tantrum on the floor and cry for one evening, then she had to move on.

Film/TV is even more demoralising as you don't even get a no, you just never hear!

In many ways it's harder being the parent. I've done the 'it's not faaaaiiiirrrr' whinge many times. DD is far more grown up about it.

Generally for something that involved significant work it always earned a reward - something she'd wanted from the toy shop, or bath bombs or whatever, and a big 'not good for the voice' ice-cream.

I was pretty careful not to moan in front of her and was v strict about the 'one evening' rule. She wants a career in this world and that won't happen if she falls apart every time her face doesn't fit. Luckily she adores auditions so I can sell that to her as her chance to be the role and perform it.

Good luck to your DD!

I was a performer for a big part of my life and now my DS is - he is infinitely better with the rejection element and has such a better understanding of the broader picture than I ever did.

I always took the rejection personally and would walk away thinking I was terrible and needed to start from scratch and that it had nothing to do with anyone else in the room. This is total rubbish. A huge element of every audition is how you slot in to not only the director’s
vision, but that vision best fulfilled with the other people in the room. So what if you would be awesome as the big sister role if none of the boys auditioning work as your little brother? Or you’d make a great female lead but the guy they’ve cast as her love interest is a lot shorter than you? In real life, things like that are daft but on stage it’s all part of the deal. Those sorts of things are not your fault, not in your control, and you just gave to try another day.

He sees it as there are things he can control: learning to be the best performer he can be (things like his vocal technique, building dance skills, picking up scripts fast), his behaviour in the audition, his attitude toward whatever happens along the way. Also keeping things in line at school so neither teachers nor mother say he has to cut back on performing because school is suffering. And everything else is completely out of his control. So he tries to guess with rejection if there is anything from the list of stuff he can control that he should focus on toward next time and shake the rest off. It’s stuff he can’t control.

I never had that mindset, even in my twenties, and I think it is so much healthier! Lets him focus on getting better and better without developing some sort of chip on his shoulder about not getting a part. He also seems to really shift from rejection to looking forward to the next opportunity, which is way more proactive than dwelling on what’s already done.

I agree with PP on accepting ensemble parts. They really are still rewarding and if you hold a grudge against the person who got the part instead of you, that’s not at all helpful and will be seen and remembered by others. Attitude is something you can control, so remember that old chestnut about ‘no small parts, only small actors’ and remember the show falls over without the ensemble. Every part is important or it wouldn’t be there!

If all else fails, set a timer. I would allow myself seven minutes to crank up the emotional music and react in whatever full force way was sitting inside me, and then I had to accept it and move on. It took some practice but it did help me with perspective. I think all the mindset stuff above is way healthier though, and only mention this as a last resort as it’s not meant to just be a cover for bottling up big feelings long term. :) It can help get through the day rather than the lifetime!

All the best to your daughter!

My child is autistic - performing is her 'special interest' and dealing with rejection is the hardest part. She really feels the pain as she gets so excited about potential roles and works so hard for auditions.

We encourage her to accept ensemble parts as well as bigger ones and also talk about sometimes she's just not what they're looking for even if she does a good audition. Time is also a healer!

We also clearly manage expectations for the more popular auditions when she's unlikely to be cast (but still encourage).

MT daughter now at Italia Conti we have had a lot of rejection along the way.
It is worth talking about casting type and that the director may be looking for a particular casting type. It doesn't mean you were bad just you weren't what they were looking for that time.
Knowing her casting type will help her to know what roles to go for.

My daughter isn't theatrical, but musical. Still, we have auditions to contend with. We go for the line that generally everyone who auditions is probably good enough, so other things come into play. Whether your chosen interpretation of a piece is similar to that of the panel's preference, how well they think you might gel with others already chosen, and whether the structure of the audition is a good fit for your strengths. Most of that lot is out of your control, which helps in not taking things personally.