Should I make my young daughter play the violin or let her stop?

Yogirl1 · 2023-07-10T08:38:24+00:00

So here is the background. My DD has been to a music lessons since she was 2. She used to just attend a 45 minute lesson group lesson every Saturday but this year she started playing violin. This meant having a separate solo and group lesson as well as choir and musicianship. It wasn’t a huge success as the day became very long (she is only 6). We agreed she could leave the school as a 4 hour day plus 2 hour round trip - due to traffic not distance - was too long for DH as well as DD and not something we want to do for next 5-10 years! We have found a new Saturday school 20 minutes from home and can do choir and musicianship at 9-11 and then have the rest of the day free. She tried the classes recently and loved them so she is excited to be going next year. The only time they had for a violin lesson was in the evening which means a 20 minute drive each way to the school, which suits us fine as it saves hanging around at the school on a Saturday (something we did enough of this year!) Trouble is daughter is saying she doesn’t like the violin and wants to play piano. I’ve agreed to piano lessons (at her primary school) next year but l’ve said she is ‘too good to give up violin’ (which she loves to hear) so she has reluctantly agreed to carry on. Playing does happen at home and she loves nothing more than performing her own tunes while stomping around the room and she will practice for 5-10 minutes at a time, but she gets very angry when gets things wrong and complains non-stop about having to ‘stand up’ or that her ‘arm/fingers hurt’ - and then says she wants to stop playing it. She does make some nice sounds and her intonation is pretty good so I think it would be a shame to stop before we have really started. So - should I ‘encourage’ her for another year with a new teacher/less stressful timetable? I never played a stringed instrument so I’m not sure how long it takes to start to enjoy it and this year has been painful and not at all enjoyable for her. Or should I listen to her and let her stop and hope she misses it and wants to start playing again (or decides she wants to play something else). Does a nearly 7 year old know her own mind or is she just on a steep leaning curve that ‘practice makes perfect’ and I should carry on with the lessons for another year? Any advice gratefully appreciated. x

L3ThirtySeven · 10/08/2023 21:52

I did 😅

thirdfiddle · 10/08/2023 21:11

You missed the update then L337.

L3ThirtySeven · 10/08/2023 17:26

Let her stop. Life is too short to be made to continue or push on with things you’ve tried but do not enjoy, it just puts you off trying new things.

My little brother was 1st violin in the school orchestra and was offered a professional spot but went for the Olympic fencing team instead. I’m only bringing him up as you asked how long does it take to enjoy a stringed instrument- he enjoyed it from the very first lesson and still enjoys playing as a hobby for folk music gigs.

Your DD has given it more than long enough. Let her quit.

Original poster

Yogirl1 · 10/08/2023 17:19

You can call it ‘the little girl who tried to play her mum like a fiddle!’ 😆

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chickentikkasalad · 10/08/2023 16:58

Haha @Yogirl1 this is such a great story I might tell my DS as a bedtime story tonight 🤣🤣

Original poster

Yogirl1 · 10/08/2023 15:10

thirdfiddle · 09/08/2023 23:53

Made me laugh yogirl 😂😂 Kids eh.
Glad you've come to an arrangement she's happy with anyway. Perhaps she won't cry wolf another time now she nearly lost her lessons!

Yes, maybe some Grimm brothers cautionary fairytales as bedtime reading wouldn't go amiss 😂

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thirdfiddle · 09/08/2023 23:53

Made me laugh yogirl 😂😂 Kids eh.
Glad you've come to an arrangement she's happy with anyway. Perhaps she won't cry wolf another time now she nearly lost her lessons!

Original poster

Yogirl1 · 09/08/2023 20:12

Thanks lanthanum that is what I hoped! Yes Martha12345 I agree with your DH and I need to be more strict this year about regular short bursts.

Little update is that I cancelled DDs violin lesson for next year and just booked her a 20 minute piano lesson at school.

She was NOT a happy bunny and said she did still want to play violin.

She has been picking it up every few days over the holidays (to plead her case I guess) and so I have relented and booked her a 20 minute violin lesson at school too. I can cancel with half a terms notice, so not such a big commitment as her previous music school.

Turns out she was enjoying me saying 'oh but you can't give up the violin you are too good' Once I stopped saying and just ignored the issue she stopped protesting about practicing. What a little (so-and-so) drama Queen I have!!!

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Martha12345 · 06/08/2023 18:42

My husband is a professional musician so I asked him.
He said that no child would practise if they didn't have to, and he had to be asked several times every day to practise, when he would prefer to be with his friends.
The best thing is to schedule it each day so it is done automatically.
Eventually your child will thank you.

lanthanum · 04/08/2023 15:37

I gave up piano at 6, and started again at 8. Got to grade 8, still playing regularly now. I just wasn't ready at 6.
I took a while to find my orchestral instrument - violin was the third I tried, starting at 11. Switched to viola, got to grade 8ish. There was a while early in my career when I rarely played (just too busy for an orchestra), but I got back into it after 10 years.

Violin may just not be the right instrument for your child, or just too much at the moment. She may do better to focus efforts on piano for a while and come back to violin or take up a different ensemble instrument later.

chickentikkasalad · 12/07/2023 00:50

Well done! Hope your DD continue to have fun and joy in her music adventure!

Thank you for your kind words about DS. Yes we're not far from London so Junior Department is on my thought for the future in couple of years time. Might even bump into your little girl then 😄.

Original poster

Yogirl1 · 11/07/2023 20:04

chickentikkasalad · 11/07/2023 15:41

I thought I could share our experience (sorry for the long post). DS is also 6 and he started violin lessons when he was 4.5 and loved it since. He plays pretty well now on grade 4 and plays in an intermediate orchestra with much older kids. I'm not trying to boast how wonderful he is ( I do think he is lol) but just to let you know it's possible for a 6 year old to enjoy violin and do well on violin. However like what you're thinking, I'd never make him learn it if he didn't enjoy it. He did have a period when he'll get frustrated if the sound is not right or he can't get the timing or bow direction right. But he still never said he didn't like it will absolutely throw a tantrum if I ever dare to suggest stoping violin, even suggesting taking a break for the day would end up in tears . However we've passed that stage now and he's enjoying it totally and his sound is great and his vibrato makes me jealous (I started learning same time as him). Another girl from our Saturday school similar age is not making much progress in terms of techniques but she's enjoying it so much too. She wouldn't agree when her mum suggested stopping. So I guess what I'm trying to say is if she's not enjoying it it may not be her instrument for now. It's always easier to have child led activities. I do believe a 6-7 year old can tell you what they really like and don't like. It doesn't mean they won't change their mind though. DS used to "hate" piano and would not even let me play the piano. One day his violin teacher said he needed to learn piano to learn theory etc and to go to music college, he took it on board, started piano lessons, still doesn't love it as much as violin but he's making great progress and do enjoy practicing piano once he gets it started.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I completely believe you're trying to do the best for your DD. Sometimes it's so hard to know what is for their best. At least if we follow their desire they'll be happy whatever they decide to learn and they thrive a lot more when they're enjoying it. Even if you pause the violin lesson for now, she might miss it and decide she wants to do it again some time later! Good luck with whatever you decide and hope your little girl happiness and enjoyment in music.

What a lovely message, thank you for taking the time to write it. I do agree and the violin is being kicked into the long grass. As long as she keeps having fun at musicianship classes and choir she will find her instrument.
Your son sounds amazing… Grade 4 at that age and after such a short time “Wunderkind”. I hope you live near London so he can attend one of the junior colleges… you should definitely be proud and loud about his talent.

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chickentikkasalad · 11/07/2023 15:41

I thought I could share our experience (sorry for the long post). DS is also 6 and he started violin lessons when he was 4.5 and loved it since. He plays pretty well now on grade 4 and plays in an intermediate orchestra with much older kids. I'm not trying to boast how wonderful he is ( I do think he is lol) but just to let you know it's possible for a 6 year old to enjoy violin and do well on violin. However like what you're thinking, I'd never make him learn it if he didn't enjoy it. He did have a period when he'll get frustrated if the sound is not right or he can't get the timing or bow direction right. But he still never said he didn't like it will absolutely throw a tantrum if I ever dare to suggest stoping violin, even suggesting taking a break for the day would end up in tears . However we've passed that stage now and he's enjoying it totally and his sound is great and his vibrato makes me jealous (I started learning same time as him). Another girl from our Saturday school similar age is not making much progress in terms of techniques but she's enjoying it so much too. She wouldn't agree when her mum suggested stopping. So I guess what I'm trying to say is if she's not enjoying it it may not be her instrument for now. It's always easier to have child led activities. I do believe a 6-7 year old can tell you what they really like and don't like. It doesn't mean they won't change their mind though. DS used to "hate" piano and would not even let me play the piano. One day his violin teacher said he needed to learn piano to learn theory etc and to go to music college, he took it on board, started piano lessons, still doesn't love it as much as violin but he's making great progress and do enjoy practicing piano once he gets it started.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I completely believe you're trying to do the best for your DD. Sometimes it's so hard to know what is for their best. At least if we follow their desire they'll be happy whatever they decide to learn and they thrive a lot more when they're enjoying it. Even if you pause the violin lesson for now, she might miss it and decide she wants to do it again some time later! Good luck with whatever you decide and hope your little girl happiness and enjoyment in music.

Original poster

Yogirl1 · 11/07/2023 08:47

watcherintherye · 11/07/2023 08:16

complains non-stop about having to ‘stand up’

Why can’t she sit down while playing? Orchestras don’t stand!

They always make then stand when playing/performing (guess it’s a short lesson not an all day orchestral rehearsal). Maybe to do with posture and technique, maybe to do with building up stamina for solo performances. Someone more knowledgeable than me will have to answer this. I played a wind instrument and always sat down for my 30 minute lesson until I passed G8 and was sent to a professional musician who made me stand for an hour (I nearly passed out!)

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watcherintherye · 11/07/2023 08:16

complains non-stop about having to ‘stand up’

Why can’t she sit down while playing? Orchestras don’t stand!

Original poster

Yogirl1 · 11/07/2023 08:06

Yes, it was a real shock to the system going from a quick in-out ‘baby’ group lesson to ‘big girl’ lessons taking up 4 hours (mainly due to lots of of hanging around between lessons). I really do think the timetable caused most of the problems. Whether she will want to do it at a later date (or whether she has been put off the violin for life) we will see! I’ll just stick with the stuff she enjoys and wants to do. Helpful to know that your DS is now enjoying it and that it improves with age!

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olympicsrock · 11/07/2023 07:17

My nearly 8 year old son plays the violin . To be honest I think learning aged 6 didn’t do him much good. He has made so much better progress as a 7 year old. We persevered but it was really tough and enjoyable for no one.

Perhaps take a break for 6 months and see if she wants to come back to it.

YackyDah · 11/07/2023 07:10

She's 6.

Let her just be a kid and play on the weekends. Christ.

Original poster

Yogirl1 · 11/07/2023 07:08

Dallasdays · 11/07/2023 06:42

Light hearted, but have you read the Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother? Is all about learning violin... a good, amusing read!

I haven’t but I read a few articles about her back in the day. Hard core mama!!! I recall something about making her daughters practice for 6 hours a day… she must have ears of steel (or a sound proof room). I can only aspire to her level of ‘encouragement’ and then fall short! I’m more likely to be found with a copy of ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’!

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Dallasdays · 11/07/2023 06:42

Light hearted, but have you read the Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother? Is all about learning violin... a good, amusing read!

Original poster

Yogirl1 · 10/07/2023 19:23

Thank you all for your wise words. It's so hard to know when to push a little harder and when to back off!

I think I will send her to do choir/musicianship which is basically 2 hours of fun games on a Saturday morning but I think the mid-week violin lesson might be a mistake! I asked her if she wanted violin lessons next year and she said 'can I say no?' and when I said she could and asked what she didn't like about the violin she said 'plucking and bowing, standing and holding it'. So pretty much everything about it then!!!!! 😂😂
I don't want to commit to a years worth of violin lessons with an unknown teacher (and a 40 minute roundtrip) when she feels like that - so I'll start her on the piano at home over the summer holidays and see how she gets on with that.

She's on the waiting list for violin and piano lessons at school so maybe when her turn comes around she will be eager to get back to it (unlikely!) or maybe try something else (her school are offering group drumming lessons and she's quite keen on that - oh joy!!!).

Thank you all again, you've been most helpful.

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ThePoint678 · 10/07/2023 18:17

I made my children continue from age 3 to 12 and they practiced every day for 15 mins (sometimes more). Sometimes they would get frustrated/sick of it but the more they improved the happier they were to play. It’s a long game. They are now glad they stuck with it. We are not a musical family, but everyone can learn.

Your Saturdays sound they were painful for everyone so maybe the new schedule will make it all more enjoyable.

thirdfiddle · 10/07/2023 18:04

Well you've got it set up now. So maybe give it a try for a term and see where you're at then? The first school sounds quite heavy duty, so maybe a more relaxed approach to violin might be happier. I wouldn't insist long term if she's consistent in saying she wants to stop, but I also did wait a bit for consistence at that age, for starting or stopping anything, to make sure it wasn't just a temporary reaction.

Maybe keep to short bits of practice and make sure she stops, puts her violin down and shakes everything out any time she's getting stiff or sore.

bumblebee2235 · 10/07/2023 17:35

It perhaps sounds a bit intense for a 6 year old.. just reign it in a bit? I'm in two minds, I at one point wanted to stop piano, my parents bribed me with a beanie baby.. I am so glad they did, I got over the hump and it was enjoyable again, now I'm a pianist and left college with a diploma so it became my career for a bit.

But she is doing a lot, whereas I focused on one instrument, then school and a sport. I found that a bit much at times. As you get older it's hard to fit everything in.

I feel only you know your child enough to know whether it is a temporary hump, or they really don't like it :)

Whataretalkingabout · 10/07/2023 15:46

I'm with @Fishlegs , persevere but don't be too hard on DD insisting on daily practice sessions. It is better she practices often and not very long, especially at her age. It sounds like your DD already has some aptitude if she can stomp along and play a recognizable tune so soon. That's great! Keep up the good work. Music adds so much joy to life !